one click leads to another
As usual my boredom will lead me to the internet. The one place where it looks like I'm still doing work, while passing away the time. Not that I'm not working. You know how we're supposed to take breaks once in awhile.. well I consider these modifications to my sites those breaks. :)
Anyway, I was trying to figure out how to change my myspace page to look less... sterile. I joined because my hula brothers and sisters are all on there (yay hula!).. and then I remembered one of my other friends was there too, so I found him.. and then in his friends list saw a few more of my friends, clicked them, and saw more people, clicked them... and before I knew it, I was adding friends like crazy, doing some catching up, and had a million pages up.
:) Granted I didn't sit and read most of the profiles only because I already know them. But it's fun to see the recent pictures and see what they're up too. Life gets a bit boring and the internet has become my phone/window/letter to those friends who are too far to physically see or hug. Anyway, if you get bored check it out. www.myspace.com/jadeheart/
Monday, August 15, 2005
.....
it's one of those days where you end up doing some soul searching.. here's what i found out about myself:
good thing there's tests out there to help you remember who you really are.. hehe.
it's one of those days where you end up doing some soul searching.. here's what i found out about myself:
You are |
 |
The Keys to Your Heart |
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. |
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. |
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. |
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. |
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. |
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. |
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. |
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
 You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming! |
good thing there's tests out there to help you remember who you really are.. hehe.
Friday, August 12, 2005
test
there are days when one gets bored at the office.. and wonders what it would look like if one stuffs the squishy thing one sits against inside one's sweater..
preggers!!!
--jadeheart
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
self-analyzing culture
I know culture affects who we are and who we become, it is both a cause, catalyst, and a result. One could mix in up-brining with culture, but techically, you can lump all of it together into one thing, you.
We joke, we mimic, and mock or pride ourselves in who we are and where our background comes from. Look at Margaret Cho, Russell Peters, Chris Rock... our ethnicity, our race, and our stereotypes make us laugh. Why? Because half the time it's true, you get it. You hear your mother's voice in Margaret's. Those How Do You Know if Your Asian lists?.. At least 90% of that list pertains to my family.. mother had short, permed curly hair, shoes at the door, played an instrument, the list goes on.
What isn't quite so obvious, but has recently over the past few years presented itself in a more personal and tangible way is how my culture "dictates" the way I react to certain situations.
1) Guilt.. oh boy, I could write a whole book on how my life seems to be lived in guilt. I don't know if this is a predominately Chinese feature, or a result of my Chinese American upbringing. The sense to honor our parents and make them proud can also lead to feelings of guilt for me. The American side says, be more independent, you don't owe anything to anyone but yourself (not that I really believe that, but the thought is there). The Chinese side says don't make waves, accept, roll with it and do better for my family and community. What elders say goes.
2) Don't cause trouble, falls in line with listen to your elders, don't ask too many questions. Does this mean when I get older I get to tell younger people that? But then if we're raised not to do that, how do we know when we get to have that 'privilege'. I guess it just happens, coz one day you start to realize you're turning into your parents.. not always a bad thing, not always a good thing.
Anyway, so my situation as of late: miscommunication with a co-worker leading to my unhappiness at work and wanting to leave. Not that I would, I have a responsibility to our clients and anyone else leaving the agency right now would just not be a good thing. But yeah, back to miscommunication, I think sometimse she expresses herself in the wrong way and I interpret it differently. Either way it had led to mistrust and frustration on my part. As much as I know I should 'confront' someone when I"m feeling this way, it's difficult being I never do stuff like that. Most of the time I'm so easy going I'll roll with it, or deal with it in a way where confrontation becomes unecessary. I don't say I ignore it (sometimes I do), but there are ways to say things or actions that can be taken to reach a compromise. There was no way around it this time, I had to talk with her. I've always known miscommunication generally leads to negative feelings, but while you're feeling them it can be hard to see clearly. Talking it out with the ED helped me realize just what I was feeling and why and what I needed from my co-worker to help me better understand the situation. Hopefully this will all work out, I've already talked to her and it was a good talk.. we'll see what happens. At least now I know what I need in terms of communication with people and I think this has helped me sort some stuff out about myself.
I strongly value honesty above all else, never lie to me because finding out the truth later hurts much more. One can never fault someone for being honest at least about important things. :)
I know culture affects who we are and who we become, it is both a cause, catalyst, and a result. One could mix in up-brining with culture, but techically, you can lump all of it together into one thing, you.
We joke, we mimic, and mock or pride ourselves in who we are and where our background comes from. Look at Margaret Cho, Russell Peters, Chris Rock... our ethnicity, our race, and our stereotypes make us laugh. Why? Because half the time it's true, you get it. You hear your mother's voice in Margaret's. Those How Do You Know if Your Asian lists?.. At least 90% of that list pertains to my family.. mother had short, permed curly hair, shoes at the door, played an instrument, the list goes on.
What isn't quite so obvious, but has recently over the past few years presented itself in a more personal and tangible way is how my culture "dictates" the way I react to certain situations.
1) Guilt.. oh boy, I could write a whole book on how my life seems to be lived in guilt. I don't know if this is a predominately Chinese feature, or a result of my Chinese American upbringing. The sense to honor our parents and make them proud can also lead to feelings of guilt for me. The American side says, be more independent, you don't owe anything to anyone but yourself (not that I really believe that, but the thought is there). The Chinese side says don't make waves, accept, roll with it and do better for my family and community. What elders say goes.
2) Don't cause trouble, falls in line with listen to your elders, don't ask too many questions. Does this mean when I get older I get to tell younger people that? But then if we're raised not to do that, how do we know when we get to have that 'privilege'. I guess it just happens, coz one day you start to realize you're turning into your parents.. not always a bad thing, not always a good thing.
Anyway, so my situation as of late: miscommunication with a co-worker leading to my unhappiness at work and wanting to leave. Not that I would, I have a responsibility to our clients and anyone else leaving the agency right now would just not be a good thing. But yeah, back to miscommunication, I think sometimse she expresses herself in the wrong way and I interpret it differently. Either way it had led to mistrust and frustration on my part. As much as I know I should 'confront' someone when I"m feeling this way, it's difficult being I never do stuff like that. Most of the time I'm so easy going I'll roll with it, or deal with it in a way where confrontation becomes unecessary. I don't say I ignore it (sometimes I do), but there are ways to say things or actions that can be taken to reach a compromise. There was no way around it this time, I had to talk with her. I've always known miscommunication generally leads to negative feelings, but while you're feeling them it can be hard to see clearly. Talking it out with the ED helped me realize just what I was feeling and why and what I needed from my co-worker to help me better understand the situation. Hopefully this will all work out, I've already talked to her and it was a good talk.. we'll see what happens. At least now I know what I need in terms of communication with people and I think this has helped me sort some stuff out about myself.
I strongly value honesty above all else, never lie to me because finding out the truth later hurts much more. One can never fault someone for being honest at least about important things. :)
Friday, August 05, 2005
butterflies in the stomach
They're back! That nervous feeling you get before a competition, before going on stage, knowing you've been practicing and you're about to share a part of yourself with however many are watching...
I'm so excited! I love that feeling! Going out on the field for colorguard (yes laugh if you want), getting that rush as the music fills you up and you are performing in front of hundreds of people. The best part of that was winning.
The second time I remember that feeling was performing for a talent show during UCI's SPOP program. All the summer orientation staffers would practice to do this show, I've played a 'hoochie' in Kung Fu theatre, although later playing the head bad guy was much more fun. Then there was the hip hop dance group we created for the show, that was fun. But the best part? Being able to sing in front of 500 people, something I had always wanted to do and wasn't sure I'd be able too. One of my fellow staffers (or Hot Travis) as he was called played the guitar most beautifully and I sang Bizzare Love Triangle, the Frente version. I remember how nervous I was, but I loved it.
Now here we go again! Hula performance tomorrow. It's great, that anxious, excited feeling, remembering what it's like to have a good performance. YAHOOO!! The costumes are made, making the accessories, I feel like so much of me has gone into this for a mere few minutes on stage, but hey.. YAHOOOOOO all the same! For those of you who are coming to watch, MAHALO! Thanks for the aloha and support.
See you tomorrow! www.kaohanaaloha.com
They're back! That nervous feeling you get before a competition, before going on stage, knowing you've been practicing and you're about to share a part of yourself with however many are watching...
I'm so excited! I love that feeling! Going out on the field for colorguard (yes laugh if you want), getting that rush as the music fills you up and you are performing in front of hundreds of people. The best part of that was winning.
The second time I remember that feeling was performing for a talent show during UCI's SPOP program. All the summer orientation staffers would practice to do this show, I've played a 'hoochie' in Kung Fu theatre, although later playing the head bad guy was much more fun. Then there was the hip hop dance group we created for the show, that was fun. But the best part? Being able to sing in front of 500 people, something I had always wanted to do and wasn't sure I'd be able too. One of my fellow staffers (or Hot Travis) as he was called played the guitar most beautifully and I sang Bizzare Love Triangle, the Frente version. I remember how nervous I was, but I loved it.
Now here we go again! Hula performance tomorrow. It's great, that anxious, excited feeling, remembering what it's like to have a good performance. YAHOOO!! The costumes are made, making the accessories, I feel like so much of me has gone into this for a mere few minutes on stage, but hey.. YAHOOOOOO all the same! For those of you who are coming to watch, MAHALO! Thanks for the aloha and support.
See you tomorrow! www.kaohanaaloha.com
Friday, July 15, 2005
Off with her hair!
So I decided I'm finally going to do it! Two things that I've had on my list of "to do before i die" items.
1) Cut my hair short! And that means above my neck.
2) Donate my hair to cancer patients!
Well a few days ago I actually noticed the length of my hair. I hadn't been paying attention, since I was my hair in the morning I'm usually not quite awake yet. Then it just goes into a bun so it's out of my face so I can get my work done.
Anyways, I took it out one day and looked at it and thought hmm.. I wonder how long it is. Generally organizations only take 10" or longer, those are "Locks of Love"'s requirements anyway. So I tied my hair in a ponytail and got out my trusty measuring tape. 10" for the longest bit and 8" for the shorter layered pieces. So it looks like I'll have to wait another 2-4 months so that more pieces are 10" long. They can't really use shorter pieces, although those will be separated out and sold, the money still goes back to "Locks of Love".
So yeaup, that's my goal, in the next 2-4 months, try to think loooooooooong (there isn't anything I can really do to make my hair grow faster). And maybe by November you'll see me with really short hair! Yikes!
If anyone's got any cute short hair cut ideas, let me know. :)
So I decided I'm finally going to do it! Two things that I've had on my list of "to do before i die" items.
1) Cut my hair short! And that means above my neck.
2) Donate my hair to cancer patients!
Well a few days ago I actually noticed the length of my hair. I hadn't been paying attention, since I was my hair in the morning I'm usually not quite awake yet. Then it just goes into a bun so it's out of my face so I can get my work done.
Anyways, I took it out one day and looked at it and thought hmm.. I wonder how long it is. Generally organizations only take 10" or longer, those are "Locks of Love"'s requirements anyway. So I tied my hair in a ponytail and got out my trusty measuring tape. 10" for the longest bit and 8" for the shorter layered pieces. So it looks like I'll have to wait another 2-4 months so that more pieces are 10" long. They can't really use shorter pieces, although those will be separated out and sold, the money still goes back to "Locks of Love".
So yeaup, that's my goal, in the next 2-4 months, try to think loooooooooong (there isn't anything I can really do to make my hair grow faster). And maybe by November you'll see me with really short hair! Yikes!
If anyone's got any cute short hair cut ideas, let me know. :)
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
'getting over it'
- its a funny saying.. do people really 'get over' things, feelings, people, situations.. what does 'getting over it' really mean? dealing? letting go?
these days I feel like it means to learn to life with whatever 'it' is. it is a change of emotion or feeling about a situation. it can easily fall back as you move past one emotion into another. it feels like a
changing of the mind from one moment to the next. so many things swirl inside my head and almost 2 years later i've reduced it to only a dulled sense of the pain that hit me that day in october. the day when the 'the world isn't fair' revealed it's true self to me and introduced it's depth into my life. dramatic? of course as it should be.
let me let you in.. i wanted to rage that day but i couldnt . i knew that it was no one's fault? that death is the only true certain-ty that no one can escape. not to be feared but to be accepted. but that ever supposedly irrational side of emotion wanted/wants to argue otherwise. i know others who have had hard, 'unfair' lives and it occurs to me that there really isn't a measurement to 'unfair'. which leads into my empathy that often saves some poor soul from feeling the wrath of my grief. my patience is shorter these days and sometimes judgement pops into my head when others complain and that ever pervasive thought 'you have NO IDEA about unfair' screams at the forefront of my brain. but that sense of 'they can't understand because they haven't experienced it' will follow rapidly, closely followed by 'vicki, you probably don't understand their hardships and "unfairs" either, who are you to judge'. and the anger will fade but that thought doesn't disappear it just recedes back until it impetuously finds it's way back again.
I can only hope that someday 'getting over it' will mean that my patience will lengthen and the intervals between the 'you have NO IDEA about unfair' thoughts will grow and grow until it's negligable and replaced with a tender sorrow. no more anger. just a saddness that I know I will never forget followed by the memories of her love that keep me safe and looking towards the future. making her proud and being me to the best of my ability.
--jadeheart
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
auto-pilot
i start driving and blank out come into my eyes a few miles down the road not sure where my head has been only realized i've just kept going.. it's life's auto-pilot.
it turns on and you just keep going, the routine has become the same and suddenly the world's turned a dull, light gray and it feels like a giant cubicle. i've been removed from my friends and each day has become routine. it seems like we're not capable of handling the world larger than the immediate surroundings. We're like lighthouses who can only see and manage what we 'light', and we miss out on the other things, even things that used to be unless they're right there in front of us. Occasionally a boat will pass by and a hello will go out to an old friend, but back I go again.. same old routine in my light gray box.
i remember a time when i lived with roommates and even if i was home 'alone' i wasn't. i had someone to converse with, someone to play with, there was an immediate fix to my need for social gathering. but living at home, along right now sucks. my light gray box settles around my house when i'm by myself and i start at every sound that comes in the night, double check the doors are shut and locked, close each door on my way to my room, ears tuned for creepy crawlies and ghosts around the next corner. but when there's people in my house and life around me, social gathering and comfort, the light gray box disappears and it gets sunny again and my heart soaks it up, it's wonderful.
... but the people leave :( and my light gray box comes back. i wonder if that makes me needy. hehe or maybe i just miss people.
Saturday, May 28, 2005
I've had two near cases of food poisoning in the last two days you'd
think I'd have learned by now, but I really haven't. first it was bad
hummus, then it was to much dairy.. the syomach pain both of witch put
me to bed in the fetal position wishing it would disappear. why is it
that the mind so quickly forgets how much the body and soul hurt. each
time we experience pain it seems like hell on earth yet moments (be they
long or short) later we forget the pain we had jsut felt! defense
mechanism? ....further analysis will be done later... right now I just
wish the pain would go away.
--jadeheart
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
mobile blogging
I'm so lazy look no posts since January! ahhh but now I can mobile
blog! perhaps this will make things easier...
--jadeheart
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
I am: drinking as much water as I possible can.
I think: people aren't really listening to each other.
I know: that I can do better.
I want: more than I have right now.
I wish: I had more of a goal in life.
I love: my bf, my family, my friends and that I can still feel love :).
I hate: liars, being too sensitive, commitmentphobia (my own).
I miss: my mom and my grandfather.
I fear: never achieving true potential (whatever that is).
I feel: my contacts squeezing my eyes and sleepy.
I hear: crazy people in the lobby.
I smell: hot coca with marshmallows.
I see: the monkeys on my wall.
I crave: tenderness.
I wonder: where I'll be in 3 years.
I regret: never having said enough.
I search: for my reality to align itself with my heart.
I am not: as patient as I once was.
I believe: in love.
I sing: in the car and the shower.
I have: more than I realize.
I dance: whenever I can get away with it.
I do not always: hear what my dad has to say.
I fight: back fear that I'll never do what I really want to do.
I hope: that I'll become who I want to be.
I never: say never.
I confuse: my words sometimes.
I ache: from loss.
I can usually be found: daydreaming.
I am scared: of the dark.
I need: love.
I lack: a bit of stability.
I am happy about: how I've handled my life so far.
I expect: to change and grow.
I think: people aren't really listening to each other.
I know: that I can do better.
I want: more than I have right now.
I wish: I had more of a goal in life.
I love: my bf, my family, my friends and that I can still feel love :).
I hate: liars, being too sensitive, commitmentphobia (my own).
I miss: my mom and my grandfather.
I fear: never achieving true potential (whatever that is).
I feel: my contacts squeezing my eyes and sleepy.
I hear: crazy people in the lobby.
I smell: hot coca with marshmallows.
I see: the monkeys on my wall.
I crave: tenderness.
I wonder: where I'll be in 3 years.
I regret: never having said enough.
I search: for my reality to align itself with my heart.
I am not: as patient as I once was.
I believe: in love.
I sing: in the car and the shower.
I have: more than I realize.
I dance: whenever I can get away with it.
I do not always: hear what my dad has to say.
I fight: back fear that I'll never do what I really want to do.
I hope: that I'll become who I want to be.
I never: say never.
I confuse: my words sometimes.
I ache: from loss.
I can usually be found: daydreaming.
I am scared: of the dark.
I need: love.
I lack: a bit of stability.
I am happy about: how I've handled my life so far.
I expect: to change and grow.
Sunday, January 02, 2005
christmas on a plane, new years in shanghai
I spent Christmas Eve into Christmas day on the UA flight.. you'd think it was nice, but I have to say.. UA Business class (yes i'm spoiled) service has deteriorated. This is how I know I've turned into my father's daughter, when I want to take the flight attendents aside to teach them proper customer service. Now honestly, how hard can it be? Not to mention it's your job!
My dad has this tendency to 'teach' wherever he goes, mostly the waitresses, coz we pretty much eat dinner out at some chinese restaurant every night, so needless to say, I got to hear the 'lecture' given oh... 10 times at least.
Taiwan was lovely, humid, scattered showers and more warm than cold. Visited the new tallest building in the world Taiwan 101 and got to see mr. daniel lee! He's been teaching english in taiwan for the last 5 months. It was so good to see him, we went to Taipei 101 and had lunch.. lunch as in itself and experience. There are an incredible amount of people in Taiwan and on the weekend at the mall and for some reason they congregate as a mass in the food court. Now I hate to be rushed, especially while I'm eating, but you literally had to hunt like hungry lions after a gazelle for a place to sit! We were wandering around with our trays for what seemed like 10 minutes (it was prolly more like 5-7) til Daniel spotted somewhere. I got to taste traditional Taiwanese food, granted I picked the safer version with fried tofu, veggies, soup and rice. Daniel order oyster omelete, honestly tastes like oyster with egg.. I prefer the fried tofu.
I also visited my grandfather's grave, had to lots to say to him in my heart. I miss him so much and it still hurts to know that I couldn't have a few more words with him. I love you grandpa, always.
Next off to Shanghai.. and for political reasons, instead of flying 2 hours from Taipei to Shanghai, we had to fly to Hong Kong (1.5 hours) and wait another 1.5 hours to then fly north to shanghai (2 hours). Lovely.. gotta love the relationship between Taiwan and China right now.
We've been living at my dad's cousins places, one owns the top floor of an apartment building and the other the bottom floor. It's been great, my aunt took me shopping, then my cousin took me shopping and we've been having foot and body massages left and right.. I'm massaged out right now, and it's actually starting to hurt! I've had yummy chinese breakfast every morning and delicious food throughout the day. It's basically been, eat breakfast, shop, eat lunch, massage, eat dinner, come home and sleep.
We did stop by the buddhist temple to pay respects to my mom's memorial there. My dad had an 8 hour service done for her the last time he was here. Some monks chanted while we kneeled and kow towed. I always know she's gone, and if I think about it too much I feel her absence, I don't like to think about it to hard. But sometimes you can't help it, she really is gone... One year later and I know there's still a part of me that's died with her. It's like a room no one goes into anymore, it's door is shut and everything in it is left exactly as it is and yet I'm still not completely sure exactly what's in the room.. but I don't want to open the door.
Mom, I love you.
New years was spent uneventful, I was waiting for the clock to pass 12 so I could go to bed.
Alrighty, off I go, only a few more hours and I head to the airport to finally go home.. thank goodness I don't have to go straight to work. I took the day off, yipee! I miss the states! (Did I mention Shanghainese (many Chinese ppl in general) can be pushy and rude!... oh man.. going to develop an ulcer if I stay longer)
Bye family! Thanks for everything!
I spent Christmas Eve into Christmas day on the UA flight.. you'd think it was nice, but I have to say.. UA Business class (yes i'm spoiled) service has deteriorated. This is how I know I've turned into my father's daughter, when I want to take the flight attendents aside to teach them proper customer service. Now honestly, how hard can it be? Not to mention it's your job!
My dad has this tendency to 'teach' wherever he goes, mostly the waitresses, coz we pretty much eat dinner out at some chinese restaurant every night, so needless to say, I got to hear the 'lecture' given oh... 10 times at least.
Taiwan was lovely, humid, scattered showers and more warm than cold. Visited the new tallest building in the world Taiwan 101 and got to see mr. daniel lee! He's been teaching english in taiwan for the last 5 months. It was so good to see him, we went to Taipei 101 and had lunch.. lunch as in itself and experience. There are an incredible amount of people in Taiwan and on the weekend at the mall and for some reason they congregate as a mass in the food court. Now I hate to be rushed, especially while I'm eating, but you literally had to hunt like hungry lions after a gazelle for a place to sit! We were wandering around with our trays for what seemed like 10 minutes (it was prolly more like 5-7) til Daniel spotted somewhere. I got to taste traditional Taiwanese food, granted I picked the safer version with fried tofu, veggies, soup and rice. Daniel order oyster omelete, honestly tastes like oyster with egg.. I prefer the fried tofu.
I also visited my grandfather's grave, had to lots to say to him in my heart. I miss him so much and it still hurts to know that I couldn't have a few more words with him. I love you grandpa, always.
Next off to Shanghai.. and for political reasons, instead of flying 2 hours from Taipei to Shanghai, we had to fly to Hong Kong (1.5 hours) and wait another 1.5 hours to then fly north to shanghai (2 hours). Lovely.. gotta love the relationship between Taiwan and China right now.
We've been living at my dad's cousins places, one owns the top floor of an apartment building and the other the bottom floor. It's been great, my aunt took me shopping, then my cousin took me shopping and we've been having foot and body massages left and right.. I'm massaged out right now, and it's actually starting to hurt! I've had yummy chinese breakfast every morning and delicious food throughout the day. It's basically been, eat breakfast, shop, eat lunch, massage, eat dinner, come home and sleep.
We did stop by the buddhist temple to pay respects to my mom's memorial there. My dad had an 8 hour service done for her the last time he was here. Some monks chanted while we kneeled and kow towed. I always know she's gone, and if I think about it too much I feel her absence, I don't like to think about it to hard. But sometimes you can't help it, she really is gone... One year later and I know there's still a part of me that's died with her. It's like a room no one goes into anymore, it's door is shut and everything in it is left exactly as it is and yet I'm still not completely sure exactly what's in the room.. but I don't want to open the door.
Mom, I love you.
New years was spent uneventful, I was waiting for the clock to pass 12 so I could go to bed.
Alrighty, off I go, only a few more hours and I head to the airport to finally go home.. thank goodness I don't have to go straight to work. I took the day off, yipee! I miss the states! (Did I mention Shanghainese (many Chinese ppl in general) can be pushy and rude!... oh man.. going to develop an ulcer if I stay longer)
Bye family! Thanks for everything!
i hope in 2005...
to write more often in my blog (so perhaps others can make sense of my randomness)
to exercise more.. or rather continually/regularly
to create more of a plan for my future
to study a language
to save more money
to remember these hopes 3 months into the new year ;)
happy christmas and new years everyone! it's bloody cold in china right now!
to write more often in my blog (so perhaps others can make sense of my randomness)
to exercise more.. or rather continually/regularly
to create more of a plan for my future
to study a language
to save more money
to remember these hopes 3 months into the new year ;)
happy christmas and new years everyone! it's bloody cold in china right now!
Thursday, December 02, 2004
stuffy nose delirium
Everytime i get a stuffy nose, my head gets all out of wack and my sinus hurt and it's just awful.. what's worse, I can't seem to control my mouth.. or rather what comes out of it.
Have you noticed that, the moment your head gets "foggy", like in times of drunkeness, intense sleepiness, or sickness, your mouth and your brain just lose control of each other. You can't get deep conversation out of me if you tried, but you ask the right questions and you'll get deeper truths, in a sense deeper truths. If you ask me what I got you for Christmas, I'll probably blurt it out, and you can't get any deeper truths than that during the holiday season. haha..
see.. there I go again, not making any sense.
Anyway.. here were random thoughts/occurances today during my walk through delirium.
First off, you say anything to me and it'll take a good 30 seconds for me to really soak it in.. and another 30 sec for me to give you an answer.. whether or not that answer makes any sense, we'll you'll have to let me know. what's that you say?
Secondly I'm way more polite when I'm sick, everything is a lot slower and I drive slower too (that sucks, I'm usually quick about everything).
Thirdly.. I go through periods where I'm so clouded I can't do anything, I was holding onto a really soft stuffed animal today and I had this intense urge to just lay down on it and sleep. We were going through donations of stuffed animals and the urge to lay upon them all and nap was great.. too bad my co workers were also in the room.
Fourthly.. I realized I don't do anything anymore. My coworker asked what is there to do Friday night and the only thing I could think of? Sit at home with the boyfriend, watch a movie, eat and cuddle. That's my life now.. I don't do anything. Well I do.. but it feels like I don't really.
My life is a pattern, I sleep, eat, work, go home, see bf on weekends, eat some more.. sleep.. only see certain people in my life, generally bf and roommate are about it.
Fifthly(?) I know I've been thinking strange thoughts almost like I'm watching my life through someone elses eyes, but I can't keep those thoughts in my head.. and this is weird, either it just got really really dark outside or the lights look brighter.. there goes my ear popping.
Man I hate being sick.. life's so much more boring when you're sick..
Everytime i get a stuffy nose, my head gets all out of wack and my sinus hurt and it's just awful.. what's worse, I can't seem to control my mouth.. or rather what comes out of it.
Have you noticed that, the moment your head gets "foggy", like in times of drunkeness, intense sleepiness, or sickness, your mouth and your brain just lose control of each other. You can't get deep conversation out of me if you tried, but you ask the right questions and you'll get deeper truths, in a sense deeper truths. If you ask me what I got you for Christmas, I'll probably blurt it out, and you can't get any deeper truths than that during the holiday season. haha..
see.. there I go again, not making any sense.
Anyway.. here were random thoughts/occurances today during my walk through delirium.
First off, you say anything to me and it'll take a good 30 seconds for me to really soak it in.. and another 30 sec for me to give you an answer.. whether or not that answer makes any sense, we'll you'll have to let me know. what's that you say?
Secondly I'm way more polite when I'm sick, everything is a lot slower and I drive slower too (that sucks, I'm usually quick about everything).
Thirdly.. I go through periods where I'm so clouded I can't do anything, I was holding onto a really soft stuffed animal today and I had this intense urge to just lay down on it and sleep. We were going through donations of stuffed animals and the urge to lay upon them all and nap was great.. too bad my co workers were also in the room.
Fourthly.. I realized I don't do anything anymore. My coworker asked what is there to do Friday night and the only thing I could think of? Sit at home with the boyfriend, watch a movie, eat and cuddle. That's my life now.. I don't do anything. Well I do.. but it feels like I don't really.
My life is a pattern, I sleep, eat, work, go home, see bf on weekends, eat some more.. sleep.. only see certain people in my life, generally bf and roommate are about it.
Fifthly(?) I know I've been thinking strange thoughts almost like I'm watching my life through someone elses eyes, but I can't keep those thoughts in my head.. and this is weird, either it just got really really dark outside or the lights look brighter.. there goes my ear popping.
Man I hate being sick.. life's so much more boring when you're sick..
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
working in the dark
I woke up this morning and I could hear the rain outside and it was completely pitch black. Lately, more often than not, I wake up wondering if I've missed the changing of the clocks or maybe read my alarm wrong and it's really not 7am yet.. but it is. 10-15 minutes later the sky will lighten a tiny bit.
Today's the first day it's actually rained.. really rained, not the wimpy kind of light splatter, but hard plops of drops that cause giant puddles that spray out against your car when you go through a ditch you can't see the bottom of. It's great! I love rainy days too, not too many but I love them all the same. Makes me want to curl up with a cup of hot chocolate and snuggle up to someone, preferrably not just a chum.
Which I now have again in my life! Yay! And as most people say it happens when you least expect it, which it did. Granted, I did meet him online, but I wasn't planning on it. It started out as a joke and then we were talking and he sounded like fun and I was totally up for meeting new people. I was so tired of my friends all being so busy and me just sitting at home bored. So I thought.. well I'm a smart, confident girl, I know exactly what will make me feel better and what is lacking in my life.. my friends!! People to hang out with, to make stupid jokes with, people who love me for my dorkiness. Granted I still have my friends, but they're scattered all over and busy with their own lives, not to mention distance makes it hard to hang out.
So I start kicking it with this guy, he's funny, he's cute, he's 'normal', we're so different but things kind of clicked so I went with it. But it does feel a bit strange.. I've been single for so long and as much as I complained about it, I look back and realize how much of a blessing it actually was. I had LOTS of time for self reflection.. and I know this time around I won't lose myself so blindly into a relationship and forget who I am. I know I'm still capable of changing and I'm sure there's still more to learn about who I am as a person, but damn.. after all the shit I went through in the last few years, I'm glad I still managed to retain most of my 'sanity' and most of 'me'. I was so afraid I'd turn into this stone faced, stone hearted, bitter person. But I can't, I won't, and even if this relationship ends up hurting me, it's not going to stop me from ever loving people and trying to find that 'can't live w/out each other love'.
Already things are changing, more of my friends are in the area now, I'm getting more involved with the community, going to start hula lessons too! And now there's a new man in my life, it's strange to say boyfriend, I've never really used that word before. It's strange to hear him refer to me as his girlfriend.. strange but nice, comforting. Especially since just as I start getting settled, my brother takes off for school in So Cal and my dad moves out to North Carolina! They left me here!! At least I'm not alone. :P Although now.. I have another 'challenge' ahead of me, I've actually gotten used to being single, being independent. Now I'm going to have to learn to be part of a relationship that's not friendship. I have a feeling this is going to be fun... ;)
I guess I can let myself be happy.. right? I know I for sure as hell deserve it!
I woke up this morning and I could hear the rain outside and it was completely pitch black. Lately, more often than not, I wake up wondering if I've missed the changing of the clocks or maybe read my alarm wrong and it's really not 7am yet.. but it is. 10-15 minutes later the sky will lighten a tiny bit.
Today's the first day it's actually rained.. really rained, not the wimpy kind of light splatter, but hard plops of drops that cause giant puddles that spray out against your car when you go through a ditch you can't see the bottom of. It's great! I love rainy days too, not too many but I love them all the same. Makes me want to curl up with a cup of hot chocolate and snuggle up to someone, preferrably not just a chum.
Which I now have again in my life! Yay! And as most people say it happens when you least expect it, which it did. Granted, I did meet him online, but I wasn't planning on it. It started out as a joke and then we were talking and he sounded like fun and I was totally up for meeting new people. I was so tired of my friends all being so busy and me just sitting at home bored. So I thought.. well I'm a smart, confident girl, I know exactly what will make me feel better and what is lacking in my life.. my friends!! People to hang out with, to make stupid jokes with, people who love me for my dorkiness. Granted I still have my friends, but they're scattered all over and busy with their own lives, not to mention distance makes it hard to hang out.
So I start kicking it with this guy, he's funny, he's cute, he's 'normal', we're so different but things kind of clicked so I went with it. But it does feel a bit strange.. I've been single for so long and as much as I complained about it, I look back and realize how much of a blessing it actually was. I had LOTS of time for self reflection.. and I know this time around I won't lose myself so blindly into a relationship and forget who I am. I know I'm still capable of changing and I'm sure there's still more to learn about who I am as a person, but damn.. after all the shit I went through in the last few years, I'm glad I still managed to retain most of my 'sanity' and most of 'me'. I was so afraid I'd turn into this stone faced, stone hearted, bitter person. But I can't, I won't, and even if this relationship ends up hurting me, it's not going to stop me from ever loving people and trying to find that 'can't live w/out each other love'.
Already things are changing, more of my friends are in the area now, I'm getting more involved with the community, going to start hula lessons too! And now there's a new man in my life, it's strange to say boyfriend, I've never really used that word before. It's strange to hear him refer to me as his girlfriend.. strange but nice, comforting. Especially since just as I start getting settled, my brother takes off for school in So Cal and my dad moves out to North Carolina! They left me here!! At least I'm not alone. :P Although now.. I have another 'challenge' ahead of me, I've actually gotten used to being single, being independent. Now I'm going to have to learn to be part of a relationship that's not friendship. I have a feeling this is going to be fun... ;)
I guess I can let myself be happy.. right? I know I for sure as hell deserve it!
Thursday, October 14, 2004
end of innocence
i'm actually watching this boy, sad looking dark haired boy about 13, he walks into a room and ppl are running around and there's this cold air about and i hear someone say, she's not going to make it.
i see this tv monitor, it's slightly fuzzy, the tracking is messed up and there's a slight crack in the screen, it's showing this girl who's about 7 and she's got this peaceful look on her face like she knows what's coming and has accepted it, yet somewhat sad too and i can hear her name miné (sounds like mee-neh) and then suddenly i'm in the room watching her and it's cold in the room, but i'm not and she isn't.
and the boy is suddenly there and she lights up and smiles and you can tell she really loves him and she hugs him and he sort of smiles back and you can tell he's in turmoil inside because he loves her so much
he says he'll always be there for her. and she's kind of got this wisdom in her eyes like she knows
and the room becomes warm and he knows he has to go, that's when she turns and looks at me (although this whole time i feel like i'm just floating and watching from another world) and she has this look on her face that says to me, it's time to go then...
i wake up
i'm actually watching this boy, sad looking dark haired boy about 13, he walks into a room and ppl are running around and there's this cold air about and i hear someone say, she's not going to make it.
i see this tv monitor, it's slightly fuzzy, the tracking is messed up and there's a slight crack in the screen, it's showing this girl who's about 7 and she's got this peaceful look on her face like she knows what's coming and has accepted it, yet somewhat sad too and i can hear her name miné (sounds like mee-neh) and then suddenly i'm in the room watching her and it's cold in the room, but i'm not and she isn't.
and the boy is suddenly there and she lights up and smiles and you can tell she really loves him and she hugs him and he sort of smiles back and you can tell he's in turmoil inside because he loves her so much
he says he'll always be there for her. and she's kind of got this wisdom in her eyes like she knows
and the room becomes warm and he knows he has to go, that's when she turns and looks at me (although this whole time i feel like i'm just floating and watching from another world) and she has this look on her face that says to me, it's time to go then...
i wake up
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