firsts
so there's a first time for everything.. first time you talk, walk, speak.. first crush, kiss, boyfriend, first love.. first time you have your heart broken, first time you truly lose someone you love and then the first time it happens again after that..
i realize i'm going through a whole new set of firsts.. first christmas without her, first new year without her, first birthday without her. it's a strange, empty feeling.
sometimes i get scared to talk to people about it, coz i feel like they're going to think i'm just using her passing as an excuse. but if you remember who i was before she died and how i am now.. how could it possibly ever be an excuse. this is a life changing event that one will never understand until one goes through it.
but if you could just for a minute.. imagine what it might be like to lose your mom.. multiply that by infinite and you'll know what i'm feeling.
doesn't mean i'm wallowing in self pity. i hurt from her loss still.. even though it's almost been a year, i miss her everyday. the only way i can explain it, is through firsts..
that's why the pain is still there, because to me.. most of this is the first time i've had to do things in a world where she's no longer physically part of. but i've realized, that i'm a lot stronger than i believed i was. and although some days i would love to be weak and fall, there's still strength in that weakness because i'm still here the next day... hope still exists and she taught me to love, so how could i not?
there is a bit of comfort in my pain.. i know i hurt because i love and i'm glad i can still love.. friends and family at least and that's what matters most to me right now.
mamman, je vous aimerai toujours.
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Friday, August 06, 2004
fevered wakefulness
i haven't had a fever in a year, guess that flu shot is wearing off or something. anyway all i could think about today was how lonely i felt being sick and at home alone. it sucked, i was sick enough that standing up and walking around made me dizzy, not sick enough to just pass out and sleep. thank goodness for dvd's and a laptop that plays them. it's early in the morning and i'm not sure if it's the caffeine from the herbal tea (if there's any in there) or if i'm too afraid to go to sleep.
being sick makes me sad, it makes me miss my mom a lot more and i seem to be on the downside of my usual up/down depression (no thanks to a few other incidents in my life). i didn't think i could hit any lower since october and yet life continues to prove me wrong. my fault really, i knew the truth of the matter and didn't want to acknowledge it. it seems my expectations in life have heightened.. part of believes that i am owed for all that i've lost and endured.. all the pain i've had to experience within the last two years alone. all these thoughts swam through my head today and many of them i wish would just leave and never return. but it hurts, to think these thoughts because pain comes with these thoughts. i'm tired of pain, i just want peace.
but all i can think about as i lay here in bed is God, I wish someone was here to hold me, to tell me everything's going to be okay. instead i'm all alone in the house, which makes it feel even lonlier and instead i wish for a dream. i know what it's like to be held.. i remember how it felt to love someone like that and believe that they love you. to be only concerned with each other, to keep each other safe. oh to have someone love me the way i know i can love a person..i need to feel safe tonight but i don't. i feel fevered and sick and lonely.. it sucks.
if God is so all powerful, can't he at least send me a dream? in the words of one of my closest friends, 'throw me a freakin' bone would ya?' one dream.. a nice long one of someone holding me safe throughout the night. is that too much to ask for? He obviously isn't going to send my perfect man to knock on the bloody door anytime soon now is He.. but a dream.. I could do with a dream. or heck.. just knock me out and let me not dream for once tonite.. i wouldn't mind that either.
i hate that part when you close your eyes, before sleep takes ahold of you, because that's when the pain is the worst. that's when you really feel it.. physically and it's like your heart is being squeezed and i imagine someone holding me and for a split second i can feel that too, but then it's gone and that hurts as well.
just peace would be nice.. i better close my eyes.. have to get past that part for sleep.
i haven't had a fever in a year, guess that flu shot is wearing off or something. anyway all i could think about today was how lonely i felt being sick and at home alone. it sucked, i was sick enough that standing up and walking around made me dizzy, not sick enough to just pass out and sleep. thank goodness for dvd's and a laptop that plays them. it's early in the morning and i'm not sure if it's the caffeine from the herbal tea (if there's any in there) or if i'm too afraid to go to sleep.
being sick makes me sad, it makes me miss my mom a lot more and i seem to be on the downside of my usual up/down depression (no thanks to a few other incidents in my life). i didn't think i could hit any lower since october and yet life continues to prove me wrong. my fault really, i knew the truth of the matter and didn't want to acknowledge it. it seems my expectations in life have heightened.. part of believes that i am owed for all that i've lost and endured.. all the pain i've had to experience within the last two years alone. all these thoughts swam through my head today and many of them i wish would just leave and never return. but it hurts, to think these thoughts because pain comes with these thoughts. i'm tired of pain, i just want peace.
but all i can think about as i lay here in bed is God, I wish someone was here to hold me, to tell me everything's going to be okay. instead i'm all alone in the house, which makes it feel even lonlier and instead i wish for a dream. i know what it's like to be held.. i remember how it felt to love someone like that and believe that they love you. to be only concerned with each other, to keep each other safe. oh to have someone love me the way i know i can love a person..i need to feel safe tonight but i don't. i feel fevered and sick and lonely.. it sucks.
if God is so all powerful, can't he at least send me a dream? in the words of one of my closest friends, 'throw me a freakin' bone would ya?' one dream.. a nice long one of someone holding me safe throughout the night. is that too much to ask for? He obviously isn't going to send my perfect man to knock on the bloody door anytime soon now is He.. but a dream.. I could do with a dream. or heck.. just knock me out and let me not dream for once tonite.. i wouldn't mind that either.
i hate that part when you close your eyes, before sleep takes ahold of you, because that's when the pain is the worst. that's when you really feel it.. physically and it's like your heart is being squeezed and i imagine someone holding me and for a split second i can feel that too, but then it's gone and that hurts as well.
just peace would be nice.. i better close my eyes.. have to get past that part for sleep.
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
i miss her
i was training at stanford hospital the last two days and as i walked through the building all i could think of was.. this was the place where my mother passed away. i could vaguely remember how i felt and what had happened, but now it seems all so far away. it's like i've automatically pushed everything away, this pain sits behind a gray hazey veil that walks along side my life. and yet it still seems absolutely real, sharp and clear. this pain.. this indescribable feeling of loneliness because no one can possible understand what i have to live with every day of my life.
if something were to feel unreal and all too real at the same time it is this, this feeling of pain with no hope at the end of it. only a waiting for time to dull the wound and ease the loneliness. a hope that some love will enter my life and fill a part of the void that has entered my heart.
love has this way of building upon itself, renewing itself, because if you love and are loved in return it feeds into each other and creates this safe place. because if you love someone, they're what matters and you would give whatever you could to them.
i want to believe again. i hate this bitterness that builds, who deserves this? i just feel like i keep giving but nothing comes back to me, i'm not going to have anything left to give soon, only bitterness and anger in my heart. as much as i hope for love, i'm not strong enough for all of this. and despite knowing my friends are always there.. this is a love they cannot offer and with this pain it is a love i will never hope to find.
i just want peace. i want to be normal again. i don't want to hope for love.
shhhh let it fade away.
i was training at stanford hospital the last two days and as i walked through the building all i could think of was.. this was the place where my mother passed away. i could vaguely remember how i felt and what had happened, but now it seems all so far away. it's like i've automatically pushed everything away, this pain sits behind a gray hazey veil that walks along side my life. and yet it still seems absolutely real, sharp and clear. this pain.. this indescribable feeling of loneliness because no one can possible understand what i have to live with every day of my life.
if something were to feel unreal and all too real at the same time it is this, this feeling of pain with no hope at the end of it. only a waiting for time to dull the wound and ease the loneliness. a hope that some love will enter my life and fill a part of the void that has entered my heart.
love has this way of building upon itself, renewing itself, because if you love and are loved in return it feeds into each other and creates this safe place. because if you love someone, they're what matters and you would give whatever you could to them.
i want to believe again. i hate this bitterness that builds, who deserves this? i just feel like i keep giving but nothing comes back to me, i'm not going to have anything left to give soon, only bitterness and anger in my heart. as much as i hope for love, i'm not strong enough for all of this. and despite knowing my friends are always there.. this is a love they cannot offer and with this pain it is a love i will never hope to find.
i just want peace. i want to be normal again. i don't want to hope for love.
shhhh let it fade away.
a faint memory
why are you mad?
because you're not listening to me.
I am listening, you're not hearing me.
okay fine, I'm listening, what do you want to tell me?
I love you.
you do? what kind of love is that?
I don't know. the kind where I love you but I can't.
how do you silence thoughts that wish to be words but to be spoken would only complicate life.. so thus they remain whispered only in dreams.
"i love you"
"i know"
"no seriously, i love you"
"I know"
"no, I really LOVE you."
"I KNOW.. I love you too."
....I'm sorry, I didn't know... I still don't.
it's so far away now that i'm not sure about the context of things anymore. i have known love of all types.. and this is what i get for believing.
my past is my past and i need to let it lie, the present is what was the future and the future hopefully will have a light.
why are you mad?
because you're not listening to me.
I am listening, you're not hearing me.
okay fine, I'm listening, what do you want to tell me?
I love you.
you do? what kind of love is that?
I don't know. the kind where I love you but I can't.
how do you silence thoughts that wish to be words but to be spoken would only complicate life.. so thus they remain whispered only in dreams.
"i love you"
"i know"
"no seriously, i love you"
"I know"
"no, I really LOVE you."
"I KNOW.. I love you too."
....I'm sorry, I didn't know... I still don't.
it's so far away now that i'm not sure about the context of things anymore. i have known love of all types.. and this is what i get for believing.
my past is my past and i need to let it lie, the present is what was the future and the future hopefully will have a light.
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
i was mistaken
I made a mistake this time around and I was wrong. I let me heart tell my mind lies because the rest of my life hurt so bad and instead I only ended with more pain. I almost lost something something I didn't want taken. I'm paying for it now as I paid for it once before.
I forgot the one rule I said applied. it is what is it and nothing more.
I just needed you to care, but you never will, not for me.
i was wrong, my heart can become more bitter and the more bitter the heart, the more it hopes to be saved, but the more it believes it never will be.
This is what it’s like to walk half blind
Listening to sugar coated lies
Gray haze following you through
Heart creating lies from mind’s truths
Every heart break leads
To heart hardening
Anger numbing pain
Until it fades away to bitterness
When you imagine nothing good will ever come again
Coz life’s dealt you a shit hand
And you found that for all you gave
Nothing was received
i dream when i sleep, i never want to dream again.
the man laughed at me.
I made a mistake this time around and I was wrong. I let me heart tell my mind lies because the rest of my life hurt so bad and instead I only ended with more pain. I almost lost something something I didn't want taken. I'm paying for it now as I paid for it once before.
I forgot the one rule I said applied. it is what is it and nothing more.
I just needed you to care, but you never will, not for me.
i was wrong, my heart can become more bitter and the more bitter the heart, the more it hopes to be saved, but the more it believes it never will be.
This is what it’s like to walk half blind
Listening to sugar coated lies
Gray haze following you through
Heart creating lies from mind’s truths
Every heart break leads
To heart hardening
Anger numbing pain
Until it fades away to bitterness
When you imagine nothing good will ever come again
Coz life’s dealt you a shit hand
And you found that for all you gave
Nothing was received
i dream when i sleep, i never want to dream again.
the man laughed at me.
Friday, July 23, 2004
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
the up part of the rollercoaster
my cousin got married this past weekend and it was wonderful. I had the honor of being her maid of honor and watched her marry the man she loves, the one guy in this world who is absolutely perfect for her. It was so great to see that love between them grow so strong over the years and to know that their love will carry them through good times and bad times in the future.
i cried when i gave my toast. :P i've gone through a lot of hard times in the past year and it's still hard to this day. going to that wedding made it so bittersweet. this was the first time in about 10 or more years that the cousins on my mother's side of the family was all together again.. and thankfully it was for a happy occasion. we've been having too many funerals to attend, my grandfathers (which i sadly missed due to being in England) and my mother's (where one of my cousin's couldn't attend). Finally all 11 of us came together for such a happy and wonderful event and it was fantastic. I realized how lucky I was to have a family this strong and this loving. My grandfather had made sure that throughout the years, we had family reunions at least every 2 years when we were young. We grew up together and it was like having tons of brothers and sisters to play with. I was telling my friend Ef about my family and it just made me smile bigger and bigger as I thought about how much I love them and how close we all are and when we're together things are good. Anyway, this past weekend has put smiles on my face and for the second time in the last year I felt really, truly happy and so surrounded by love. it was hard to see my aunties because they remind me so much of my mother and to see our family still recovering from the loss of two beloved family members.. but loving each other makes things so much better.
i can't close my heart off completely no matter how bitter life makes me.. the hope of love still carries me through it all.
i'm definitely in the up part of the rollercoaster right now, because i know still any minute i can come down again.. but for awhile.. at least i can float up here and enjoy this love residue from the weekend ;) and like the down part of the rollercoaster you know you can turn to someone to help you climb back up again.
my cousin got married this past weekend and it was wonderful. I had the honor of being her maid of honor and watched her marry the man she loves, the one guy in this world who is absolutely perfect for her. It was so great to see that love between them grow so strong over the years and to know that their love will carry them through good times and bad times in the future.
i cried when i gave my toast. :P i've gone through a lot of hard times in the past year and it's still hard to this day. going to that wedding made it so bittersweet. this was the first time in about 10 or more years that the cousins on my mother's side of the family was all together again.. and thankfully it was for a happy occasion. we've been having too many funerals to attend, my grandfathers (which i sadly missed due to being in England) and my mother's (where one of my cousin's couldn't attend). Finally all 11 of us came together for such a happy and wonderful event and it was fantastic. I realized how lucky I was to have a family this strong and this loving. My grandfather had made sure that throughout the years, we had family reunions at least every 2 years when we were young. We grew up together and it was like having tons of brothers and sisters to play with. I was telling my friend Ef about my family and it just made me smile bigger and bigger as I thought about how much I love them and how close we all are and when we're together things are good. Anyway, this past weekend has put smiles on my face and for the second time in the last year I felt really, truly happy and so surrounded by love. it was hard to see my aunties because they remind me so much of my mother and to see our family still recovering from the loss of two beloved family members.. but loving each other makes things so much better.
i can't close my heart off completely no matter how bitter life makes me.. the hope of love still carries me through it all.
i'm definitely in the up part of the rollercoaster right now, because i know still any minute i can come down again.. but for awhile.. at least i can float up here and enjoy this love residue from the weekend ;) and like the down part of the rollercoaster you know you can turn to someone to help you climb back up again.
Friday, July 02, 2004
i'm in love.. with love
.. well i think i'm in love, actually i'm pretty sure of it. i'm in love.. with an idea. sad as that is. of the love of this man, this "perfect for me" man. I know how my heart feels when he's close to me. How my body comes alive when he kisses me, how safe I feel when he holds me. how we're happy just hanging out or going out or just sitting quietly. how his arms feel around me. the evenness of his breathing as he sleeps next to me. how in his eyes i am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen and he can't believe he has me. how despite the fact i'm no traditional beauty, he sees me for me and it makes me irresistable to him. i can feel it in my mind and in my body.. how it's all supposed to feel.
i love him so much that my heart aches.. because it's not real. because the one time i believed in a love like this, it turned out to be a lie. i had known the truth deep down inside, but i loved the hope of what i knew could be true. i have to admit i'm afraid i will never love like that again, that i'll end up loving a lie again.
maybe that's why i'm still single, then again it could just be because i'm picky...
anyways, it's semi-late, my heart is aching, and that's how it feels. i know love. i know love in so many forms and i know it's power over me and it's power over people. that's why my heart aches, i know what it's supposed to feel like, i know how it heals, i know i don't have it the way i want it right now.
my heart is breaking because i'm in love
..with the hope that love will heal me.
.. well i think i'm in love, actually i'm pretty sure of it. i'm in love.. with an idea. sad as that is. of the love of this man, this "perfect for me" man. I know how my heart feels when he's close to me. How my body comes alive when he kisses me, how safe I feel when he holds me. how we're happy just hanging out or going out or just sitting quietly. how his arms feel around me. the evenness of his breathing as he sleeps next to me. how in his eyes i am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen and he can't believe he has me. how despite the fact i'm no traditional beauty, he sees me for me and it makes me irresistable to him. i can feel it in my mind and in my body.. how it's all supposed to feel.
i love him so much that my heart aches.. because it's not real. because the one time i believed in a love like this, it turned out to be a lie. i had known the truth deep down inside, but i loved the hope of what i knew could be true. i have to admit i'm afraid i will never love like that again, that i'll end up loving a lie again.
maybe that's why i'm still single, then again it could just be because i'm picky...
anyways, it's semi-late, my heart is aching, and that's how it feels. i know love. i know love in so many forms and i know it's power over me and it's power over people. that's why my heart aches, i know what it's supposed to feel like, i know how it heals, i know i don't have it the way i want it right now.
my heart is breaking because i'm in love
..with the hope that love will heal me.
Thursday, June 03, 2004
a gazillion times worse..
you never know when a smell, a feeling, an image, a sight, a sound will remind you of her. it took me years to get over a broken heart and this is so much worse its indescribable pain that lies in the undercurrent of my soul and surfaces ever so often in the presence of some trigger..
and most times when it happens i'm alone which makes it worse..
i forget that there's love actually out there, that i'm thought of and loved..
because in that moment when i'm alone and it hits me that i will never hear her, never smell her, never see her again i fall
and i just wish someone was there to hug me so tight i can't breath so i don't have to feel the pain.. someone to tell me that everything will be alright one day..
you don't have to say anything just hold me tight.
you never know when a smell, a feeling, an image, a sight, a sound will remind you of her. it took me years to get over a broken heart and this is so much worse its indescribable pain that lies in the undercurrent of my soul and surfaces ever so often in the presence of some trigger..
and most times when it happens i'm alone which makes it worse..
i forget that there's love actually out there, that i'm thought of and loved..
because in that moment when i'm alone and it hits me that i will never hear her, never smell her, never see her again i fall
and i just wish someone was there to hug me so tight i can't breath so i don't have to feel the pain.. someone to tell me that everything will be alright one day..
you don't have to say anything just hold me tight.
Monday, April 26, 2004
Thursday, April 22, 2004
social animals: part 1
I'm not awake yet, it's almost 9am. I'm at work and bored. I've checked practically every e-mail account I have.. and on that note.. that's scary that I have more than one. hehe. Anyway, so I came across this American Eagle Outfitters email I got. And it showed a picture of a bunch of young people dressed for summer laying out on blankets and it made me think about warm summer nights and warm bodies all snuggled next to each other on blankets and/or sand and I got all nostalgic.
Ahh those were the days, when you were out with friends and just chillin' and being near each other. There's something about being near people that just brings a sense of security and well-being. I don't know what it is, but I miss it. Terribly. Yet I know things will never go back to the way they were. Life for me it seems will always be bittersweet because part of it will always be missing.
.. maybe that's why I so ardently search for love, wanting to be filled up again.. complete.. but it scares me too.. that I may never find that. Or maybe it scares me more than when I do, this aching from my loss still won't go away..
I'm not awake yet, it's almost 9am. I'm at work and bored. I've checked practically every e-mail account I have.. and on that note.. that's scary that I have more than one. hehe. Anyway, so I came across this American Eagle Outfitters email I got. And it showed a picture of a bunch of young people dressed for summer laying out on blankets and it made me think about warm summer nights and warm bodies all snuggled next to each other on blankets and/or sand and I got all nostalgic.
Ahh those were the days, when you were out with friends and just chillin' and being near each other. There's something about being near people that just brings a sense of security and well-being. I don't know what it is, but I miss it. Terribly. Yet I know things will never go back to the way they were. Life for me it seems will always be bittersweet because part of it will always be missing.
.. maybe that's why I so ardently search for love, wanting to be filled up again.. complete.. but it scares me too.. that I may never find that. Or maybe it scares me more than when I do, this aching from my loss still won't go away..
Sunday, March 21, 2004
slight desperation or just PMS
So my moods go up and down and sometimes it coincides with that lovely thing we women enjoy due to the privilege that we can bear children. Anyway, I was noticing, ever since my mom passed that my PMS is a lot worse. My patience disappears quicker the week before and I'm more sensitive to issues. Things that I normally could block off or deal with on a day to day basis are a lot harder to bear during the time of month. I miss my mom a lot more and she's on my mind a lot more, I think since my defenses are weakened she creeps in. Which isn't to say I don't want to think about her.. it just hurts, a lot.
I try to keep myself busy and doing things to 'cheer' me up, but it's always hard. I have always wanted to be this self-confident girl, who didn't need men to make her feel good about herself. But the truth is, as confident as I feel sometimes, when I have a guy paying attention to me (whether it's a friend or stranger) if makes me feel wanted and if it's a friend - safe as well. It's just kind of nice to know that although I'm not drop dead gorgeous that I may still be something sexy thing men want, and not just continually the girl next door. When it's a male friend paying attention to me, it's just nice to know that I'm still thought about and cared about in that way that only guys can do. Maybe it's just me attaching that feeling of security with men when in actuality any friend will do.. but for some reason with guy friends, it just feels different.
A few weeks ago I was snowboarding up in Tahoe and I thought I was gonna hafta go alone. But it turned out my friend's friend was up there too and it was nice to just kick it w/ a guy (who was pretty cute ;) ) and talk about silly things and just be near a guy again. He stuck w/ me the whole day when he could have just taken off to do his own thing and he tried to help me out and teach me to board better. Then there are what I call 'bar men' or as my one of my friend's calls them 'single serving friends'. Even though I sometimes feel like a piece of meat walking through a bar.. it's kinda nice to know that I may have a teeny bit of sex appeal. :) My co-workers think my look is too safe. Sooo I'm trying "vamp" it up a bit.. okay not really vamp, but just change some things. I have to admit, after highlighting and chopping off about 5 inches of my hair.. it's really quite liberating.
but still.. these are just teeny moments in my life and they disappear just as quickly. I'm probably never going to see that cute boarder again and 'single serving friends' are just that.. one time only. I miss my friends in so cal, the closeness that we had and just being able to go over to someone's house and kick it. I can't do that here anymore and that feeling of being safe with friends is slowly fading away.. that scares me. It makes me feel like there's a slight desperation to my life and that if I don't make friends up here fast I'm going to lose myself and be a hermit for the rest of my life.
I'm terrified and yet trying to stay in control.. but it's scary. It's like I can feel this presence trying to suck me into this drab existence and I'm slowly falling into it because I can't find me way out.
When is it going to be too late?
So my moods go up and down and sometimes it coincides with that lovely thing we women enjoy due to the privilege that we can bear children. Anyway, I was noticing, ever since my mom passed that my PMS is a lot worse. My patience disappears quicker the week before and I'm more sensitive to issues. Things that I normally could block off or deal with on a day to day basis are a lot harder to bear during the time of month. I miss my mom a lot more and she's on my mind a lot more, I think since my defenses are weakened she creeps in. Which isn't to say I don't want to think about her.. it just hurts, a lot.
I try to keep myself busy and doing things to 'cheer' me up, but it's always hard. I have always wanted to be this self-confident girl, who didn't need men to make her feel good about herself. But the truth is, as confident as I feel sometimes, when I have a guy paying attention to me (whether it's a friend or stranger) if makes me feel wanted and if it's a friend - safe as well. It's just kind of nice to know that although I'm not drop dead gorgeous that I may still be something sexy thing men want, and not just continually the girl next door. When it's a male friend paying attention to me, it's just nice to know that I'm still thought about and cared about in that way that only guys can do. Maybe it's just me attaching that feeling of security with men when in actuality any friend will do.. but for some reason with guy friends, it just feels different.
A few weeks ago I was snowboarding up in Tahoe and I thought I was gonna hafta go alone. But it turned out my friend's friend was up there too and it was nice to just kick it w/ a guy (who was pretty cute ;) ) and talk about silly things and just be near a guy again. He stuck w/ me the whole day when he could have just taken off to do his own thing and he tried to help me out and teach me to board better. Then there are what I call 'bar men' or as my one of my friend's calls them 'single serving friends'. Even though I sometimes feel like a piece of meat walking through a bar.. it's kinda nice to know that I may have a teeny bit of sex appeal. :) My co-workers think my look is too safe. Sooo I'm trying "vamp" it up a bit.. okay not really vamp, but just change some things. I have to admit, after highlighting and chopping off about 5 inches of my hair.. it's really quite liberating.
but still.. these are just teeny moments in my life and they disappear just as quickly. I'm probably never going to see that cute boarder again and 'single serving friends' are just that.. one time only. I miss my friends in so cal, the closeness that we had and just being able to go over to someone's house and kick it. I can't do that here anymore and that feeling of being safe with friends is slowly fading away.. that scares me. It makes me feel like there's a slight desperation to my life and that if I don't make friends up here fast I'm going to lose myself and be a hermit for the rest of my life.
I'm terrified and yet trying to stay in control.. but it's scary. It's like I can feel this presence trying to suck me into this drab existence and I'm slowly falling into it because I can't find me way out.
When is it going to be too late?
Sunday, March 14, 2004
Monday, March 08, 2004
Spring?
It's March already!! I can't believe it. I'm still itching to go snowboarding, it's so crazy. I never dreamed it would get to the day where I'd really really want to go snowboarding a lot more. I'm hoping we'll get one more good rain in so I can go enjoy the powder. I've still got two free tix to Heavenly that have to be used up by the end of this season.. soooo if anyone's interested ;) Let me know!
With this new weather feels like new beginnings.. although I kno this weather is not to last for very long. Just like new beginnings become the story. Anyways, I got promoted.. hooray for me! I'm so excited. I feel like fate is finally revealing a little bit more about my story to me. Although I'm still missing that love aspect, but anyone who knows me has already heard enough about that. I gripe and complain practically everyday.. so at this rate if the rule is that "it happens when you least expect it", it won't ever happen for me. I'm thinking about moving out. I miss my independence and my privacy, it's hard when you've had it for five years and then have to give it back or modify it. I kno.. I'm selfish.. so sue me.
I'm so tired of being the one to try and think of everyone and include everyone and not leave anyone out.. granted it's not like I've done that all the time. There have been times when I've left my own friends out and for that I'm truly sorry. They know who they are and I still love them all the same. I just want to know someone is thinking about me or have someone think about me for a change. And not because I ask them to.. just because they do.
Anyways, just like this random babble.. I'm sure the weather will soon change as will my moods.. oh damn it.
It's March already!! I can't believe it. I'm still itching to go snowboarding, it's so crazy. I never dreamed it would get to the day where I'd really really want to go snowboarding a lot more. I'm hoping we'll get one more good rain in so I can go enjoy the powder. I've still got two free tix to Heavenly that have to be used up by the end of this season.. soooo if anyone's interested ;) Let me know!
With this new weather feels like new beginnings.. although I kno this weather is not to last for very long. Just like new beginnings become the story. Anyways, I got promoted.. hooray for me! I'm so excited. I feel like fate is finally revealing a little bit more about my story to me. Although I'm still missing that love aspect, but anyone who knows me has already heard enough about that. I gripe and complain practically everyday.. so at this rate if the rule is that "it happens when you least expect it", it won't ever happen for me. I'm thinking about moving out. I miss my independence and my privacy, it's hard when you've had it for five years and then have to give it back or modify it. I kno.. I'm selfish.. so sue me.
I'm so tired of being the one to try and think of everyone and include everyone and not leave anyone out.. granted it's not like I've done that all the time. There have been times when I've left my own friends out and for that I'm truly sorry. They know who they are and I still love them all the same. I just want to know someone is thinking about me or have someone think about me for a change. And not because I ask them to.. just because they do.
Anyways, just like this random babble.. I'm sure the weather will soon change as will my moods.. oh damn it.
Saturday, January 31, 2004
good days
I'm sure you've heard about those people who are sick or have a psychological disorder or something like that and they always say.. today's a good day or today's a bad day in relation to their 'illness'.
For me today was a good day.
I woke up feeling rested and took a nice long hot shower to wash last night's going out 'grime' off myself. Got dressed in my comfy clothes and took off to meet Jessica to feed the ducks at the park. (I never knew this.. but feeding ducks is actually extremely harmful to them.. we did it anyway, altho I'm never going to do it again. Feeding Water Fowl) It was really nice, Jess and I hung out a lot in middle school and I've known her all throughout high school. We kicked it in the same group of friends and I could always be super silly with her, it was great. We grew apart in college though and after my mom passed away we managed to reconnect. It was cool to just catch up while walking circles around the park and start rebuilding our friendship. Time has definitely changed the both of us and we see more eye to eye now.
I've noticed a lot of change in our high school friends over the years and it's strange to know that we probably all wouldn't be friends now if it hadn't been for our long history together. We're so different from one another, but it's great. I love how it's opening my eyes to see who they really are and it definitely makes me appreciate them way more than I ever have. I'm glad we have our childhood history to keep us together, because it makes them all the more special to me. I'm starting to see them through my 'college' eyes. The one that looks more critically at events and situations and sees the strength and compassion and wit that lives inside each of them. We've gone through a lot and I love learning what their opinions are of issues we never discussed in high school.
Fuzz has definitely been a strong support recently and I really love and appreciate the fact that he's like this big fuzzy bear that I can lean against when I'm lost. He's always willing to listen and he can definitely empathize with me. And then there's Jen, she always means well but lately I just haven't got the strength to deal with her iffyness and whining, but I still love her. She does the best she can to cheer me up and it's just nice to know that she's always there for me no matter what. And Jane, God I love that girl and I can't wait for her to come home!! It's been a long time and I miss having her around, she's just all around great and one of the few friends that understands a lot about the high school me. And then there's Virginia too, lately I've just come to appreciate her more and more. It all started with a snowboard trip to tahoe and it felt really comfortable to kick it w/ her and Loi and just have things feel normal. She's studying up in Vallejo so I don't see her much, but I think one of these weekends I'll hafta go up and see her just for fun.
Even with my ex I see new things in him that I had never noticed before and it makes me glad that we've managed to stay friends. Although for a long while it was rough for me and we actually didn't talk much at all in the last four and a half years, but with the past becoming a fading memory it's nice to be able to kick it with him once in awhile. He's one of the few whom I'm comfortable enough to be almost completely honest with. Some 'lies' still slip from my mouth to protect my own ego, altho i usually regret it later.
It's hard when you've trained yourself to protect your own heart that sometimes the truth becomes a half truth so you don't have to face pain.
I spent so much time running away from this place because it caused me so much pain and it was the greatest pain of all that brough me back. Perhaps this is my time to make it mine again, this is going to be difficult because my heart yearns to be away, off, it calls to the beach and the sun and So Cal and England, as much as it loves Nor Cal. Things have changed and it's hard to find rest, but I'm going to try.
Anyway today was a good day.
I'm sure you've heard about those people who are sick or have a psychological disorder or something like that and they always say.. today's a good day or today's a bad day in relation to their 'illness'.
For me today was a good day.
I woke up feeling rested and took a nice long hot shower to wash last night's going out 'grime' off myself. Got dressed in my comfy clothes and took off to meet Jessica to feed the ducks at the park. (I never knew this.. but feeding ducks is actually extremely harmful to them.. we did it anyway, altho I'm never going to do it again. Feeding Water Fowl) It was really nice, Jess and I hung out a lot in middle school and I've known her all throughout high school. We kicked it in the same group of friends and I could always be super silly with her, it was great. We grew apart in college though and after my mom passed away we managed to reconnect. It was cool to just catch up while walking circles around the park and start rebuilding our friendship. Time has definitely changed the both of us and we see more eye to eye now.
I've noticed a lot of change in our high school friends over the years and it's strange to know that we probably all wouldn't be friends now if it hadn't been for our long history together. We're so different from one another, but it's great. I love how it's opening my eyes to see who they really are and it definitely makes me appreciate them way more than I ever have. I'm glad we have our childhood history to keep us together, because it makes them all the more special to me. I'm starting to see them through my 'college' eyes. The one that looks more critically at events and situations and sees the strength and compassion and wit that lives inside each of them. We've gone through a lot and I love learning what their opinions are of issues we never discussed in high school.
Fuzz has definitely been a strong support recently and I really love and appreciate the fact that he's like this big fuzzy bear that I can lean against when I'm lost. He's always willing to listen and he can definitely empathize with me. And then there's Jen, she always means well but lately I just haven't got the strength to deal with her iffyness and whining, but I still love her. She does the best she can to cheer me up and it's just nice to know that she's always there for me no matter what. And Jane, God I love that girl and I can't wait for her to come home!! It's been a long time and I miss having her around, she's just all around great and one of the few friends that understands a lot about the high school me. And then there's Virginia too, lately I've just come to appreciate her more and more. It all started with a snowboard trip to tahoe and it felt really comfortable to kick it w/ her and Loi and just have things feel normal. She's studying up in Vallejo so I don't see her much, but I think one of these weekends I'll hafta go up and see her just for fun.
Even with my ex I see new things in him that I had never noticed before and it makes me glad that we've managed to stay friends. Although for a long while it was rough for me and we actually didn't talk much at all in the last four and a half years, but with the past becoming a fading memory it's nice to be able to kick it with him once in awhile. He's one of the few whom I'm comfortable enough to be almost completely honest with. Some 'lies' still slip from my mouth to protect my own ego, altho i usually regret it later.
It's hard when you've trained yourself to protect your own heart that sometimes the truth becomes a half truth so you don't have to face pain.
I spent so much time running away from this place because it caused me so much pain and it was the greatest pain of all that brough me back. Perhaps this is my time to make it mine again, this is going to be difficult because my heart yearns to be away, off, it calls to the beach and the sun and So Cal and England, as much as it loves Nor Cal. Things have changed and it's hard to find rest, but I'm going to try.
Anyway today was a good day.
Saturday, January 24, 2004
the dark place
I've been there, that dark place where in the midst of people you feel completely alone and it seemed silly back then, but I grew out of it. I found confidence in myself and a niche where I flourished.. then my heart was broken (repeatedly) and I found myself slipping into that dark place again.. so easily over and over.. I began to wonder if perhaps one can never truly leave that darkness... and lo and behold I climbed out of it again.
I found love in my friends and joy in life and things were good. I was having fun and exploring the world and myself.. yet part of me still knew what alone was. I can't forget alone, it's like carrying a little bit of that darkness with me everywhere I go.. and along side of that darkness is my little ray of hope that someone will save me from all of this.
But then my world decided to come crashing down on me again, in a way I never realized was possibly. You never EVER truly understand someone's pain unless you experience what they've experienced. To imagine pain does not even come close to the actual slamming reality of it.
Anyway.. so I hadn't realized I was falling or losing control until these past two weeks. My defenses that I had put up around my mother's death were slowly crumbling, they were being chipped away and I was slowly losing it. Every little thing bothered me and I wanted to cry all the time and my whole life felt like ash.. it's the best way I can describe it.. ash. Last thursday the frustration of putting my roof rack on my car set me off and I snapped at a friend as she was drunkenly trying to console me.. which only further irritated me and for the first time I shouted the words out loud.. "she's dead and she isn't coming back." I had been bottling up this frustration and anger in me for so long. I remember standing in the hospital as we watched them turn the machines off.. a decision we made as a family.. and wanting to just SCREAM.. NO GOD DAMN IT, IT'S NOT FAIR, DON'T GO, COME BACK DON'T LEAVE US.. and just scream and scream and scream.. I never did.. I still haven't, it's too late for that now.
Then this past weekend everything just tipped over and out. I had gone up to Tahoe for a weekend and little things kept happening that just kept building on each other. I was already feeling vulnerable and then one of my friends wldn't drop a certain issue which added to my already delicate balance of things and then a certain situation including an ex caused a bit of pain to my already broken heart and then one night I have this wacked out dream which I won't describe, but made me feel like throwing up all day the next day.. and then we watch TV and in one show a guy's father ends up in a coma (which gets me thinking) and then the movie afterwards is She's All That, a story about a girl without a father who ends up finding love with a wonderful girl that helps fill the void her mother's passing left.. (hmm.... ).. and that was just it. I slipped into the back room barely holding it all together called my friend Dustin and let the dam break.
But then my ex's friend comes in the room and sees me crying and I think she tells him coz he ends up coming in and the tears are just flowing and all I can think about it how much it hurts without her.. the things I never got to say.. the last time I saw her awake.. the last words she heard me while conscious.. the decision we made to let her not suffer as her last wish was.. watching the doctors turn the machines down slowly.. the monitors levelling out and she was gone.. i watched her die... at the age of 23 I WATCHED her DIE.
It feels like someone had sucked all the life out of me and there's this void that just sits there, sometimes in the pit of my stomach and sometimes in my heart, but it's always there. I just need my heart to be safe right now and it's not and it feels like I carry an open wound around every day. I didn't realize what I had wanted was someone to just hold me while I cried and feel safe again. But the thing is, I've struggled my whole life to be strong, to never show weakness and crying... oh crying used to drive me crazy. There's only certain people I don't mind being weak around and many of them are scattered too far to be physically near me. Strangely enough the person who I long ago hated to be weak in front of the most was the person I was completely weak in front of this weekend... and it felt nice. I think I just needed someone to hold me while I cried, someone I felt safe with... but the hardest part is asking for that.
I've been there, that dark place where in the midst of people you feel completely alone and it seemed silly back then, but I grew out of it. I found confidence in myself and a niche where I flourished.. then my heart was broken (repeatedly) and I found myself slipping into that dark place again.. so easily over and over.. I began to wonder if perhaps one can never truly leave that darkness... and lo and behold I climbed out of it again.
I found love in my friends and joy in life and things were good. I was having fun and exploring the world and myself.. yet part of me still knew what alone was. I can't forget alone, it's like carrying a little bit of that darkness with me everywhere I go.. and along side of that darkness is my little ray of hope that someone will save me from all of this.
But then my world decided to come crashing down on me again, in a way I never realized was possibly. You never EVER truly understand someone's pain unless you experience what they've experienced. To imagine pain does not even come close to the actual slamming reality of it.
Anyway.. so I hadn't realized I was falling or losing control until these past two weeks. My defenses that I had put up around my mother's death were slowly crumbling, they were being chipped away and I was slowly losing it. Every little thing bothered me and I wanted to cry all the time and my whole life felt like ash.. it's the best way I can describe it.. ash. Last thursday the frustration of putting my roof rack on my car set me off and I snapped at a friend as she was drunkenly trying to console me.. which only further irritated me and for the first time I shouted the words out loud.. "she's dead and she isn't coming back." I had been bottling up this frustration and anger in me for so long. I remember standing in the hospital as we watched them turn the machines off.. a decision we made as a family.. and wanting to just SCREAM.. NO GOD DAMN IT, IT'S NOT FAIR, DON'T GO, COME BACK DON'T LEAVE US.. and just scream and scream and scream.. I never did.. I still haven't, it's too late for that now.
Then this past weekend everything just tipped over and out. I had gone up to Tahoe for a weekend and little things kept happening that just kept building on each other. I was already feeling vulnerable and then one of my friends wldn't drop a certain issue which added to my already delicate balance of things and then a certain situation including an ex caused a bit of pain to my already broken heart and then one night I have this wacked out dream which I won't describe, but made me feel like throwing up all day the next day.. and then we watch TV and in one show a guy's father ends up in a coma (which gets me thinking) and then the movie afterwards is She's All That, a story about a girl without a father who ends up finding love with a wonderful girl that helps fill the void her mother's passing left.. (hmm.... ).. and that was just it. I slipped into the back room barely holding it all together called my friend Dustin and let the dam break.
But then my ex's friend comes in the room and sees me crying and I think she tells him coz he ends up coming in and the tears are just flowing and all I can think about it how much it hurts without her.. the things I never got to say.. the last time I saw her awake.. the last words she heard me while conscious.. the decision we made to let her not suffer as her last wish was.. watching the doctors turn the machines down slowly.. the monitors levelling out and she was gone.. i watched her die... at the age of 23 I WATCHED her DIE.
It feels like someone had sucked all the life out of me and there's this void that just sits there, sometimes in the pit of my stomach and sometimes in my heart, but it's always there. I just need my heart to be safe right now and it's not and it feels like I carry an open wound around every day. I didn't realize what I had wanted was someone to just hold me while I cried and feel safe again. But the thing is, I've struggled my whole life to be strong, to never show weakness and crying... oh crying used to drive me crazy. There's only certain people I don't mind being weak around and many of them are scattered too far to be physically near me. Strangely enough the person who I long ago hated to be weak in front of the most was the person I was completely weak in front of this weekend... and it felt nice. I think I just needed someone to hold me while I cried, someone I felt safe with... but the hardest part is asking for that.
Monday, January 12, 2004
falling apart
People tell me they admire me for how strong I am being.
My Christian friends say 'God would not give you something he didn't believe you couldn't handle.'
A buddhist friend is supposed to send me materials and told me that chanting might help me find some peace.
Then why does it feel like I can barely hang on and hold up the walls that keep me sane.. the walls that help keep me moving forward. An action I took this weekend reminded me of how lonely I was. I remember from long ago what it was like to feel safe (or at least to think that I was safe) and how nice it felt to be physically near someone again, to be held. But I unknowingly unleashed upon myself a worse feeling. I was already feeling lonely.. but this was like a colorful reminder of what I haven't had in so long. And it doesn't help in this time of my life when it feels like no one is around. I know people say call if you need me.. but when I'm really in that low spot I want someone to find me.
I want someone to read that subtle, or sometimes not so subtle comment I make and just call or if they're in the area grab me and take me away from here.. even if it's only for an hour. This loneliness eats away at me.. it's like i'm standing at the edge of a cliff and the darkness looks so soft and quiet and peaceful below.
i want to fall apart.. into that soft darkness and know that someone below will catch me and that i can have a moments peace and that they'd watch over me.. just for a moment...
i want to fall apart.
People tell me they admire me for how strong I am being.
My Christian friends say 'God would not give you something he didn't believe you couldn't handle.'
A buddhist friend is supposed to send me materials and told me that chanting might help me find some peace.
Then why does it feel like I can barely hang on and hold up the walls that keep me sane.. the walls that help keep me moving forward. An action I took this weekend reminded me of how lonely I was. I remember from long ago what it was like to feel safe (or at least to think that I was safe) and how nice it felt to be physically near someone again, to be held. But I unknowingly unleashed upon myself a worse feeling. I was already feeling lonely.. but this was like a colorful reminder of what I haven't had in so long. And it doesn't help in this time of my life when it feels like no one is around. I know people say call if you need me.. but when I'm really in that low spot I want someone to find me.
I want someone to read that subtle, or sometimes not so subtle comment I make and just call or if they're in the area grab me and take me away from here.. even if it's only for an hour. This loneliness eats away at me.. it's like i'm standing at the edge of a cliff and the darkness looks so soft and quiet and peaceful below.
i want to fall apart.. into that soft darkness and know that someone below will catch me and that i can have a moments peace and that they'd watch over me.. just for a moment...
i want to fall apart.
Sunday, December 07, 2003
love.. or lack there of..
So, with my mom gone, I've come to realize there's a void in my life. Especially since I've had to move back up to Nor Cal. Don't get me wrong, I love Nor Cal because it's where I grew up. I love my friends that I've made here, they're great. But somehow, things just don't seem to be enough up here anymore. Hardly any of my friends are really around, most of them are seeing people, so it's even harder to get ahold of them and life just isn't the same anymore.
I miss So Cal, I miss having roommates and my own independence and place. I miss having guy friends around!! (Seriously, most of my high school friends are girls.. something you just want to 'dick' around and be stupid and guys are just better at that.. haha).
Anyway, I'm glad my friends have found 'love' in their lives, but I can't help but feel jealous too. They say it hits when you least expect it too.. well shit I'm in trouble then coz I want it and I can't get it out of my head. I read an article off MSN on speed dating which really amused me and then I decided what the heck, nothing to do go look at personals on craigslist. And as I got to reading them.. the lower and lower my confidence dropped.
Which brings me to what I've been thinking lately.. maybe I'm just not cute enough for the guys I want. I know that's stupid, soooo I'm NOT drop dead gorgeous, but hey I'm worth loving for sure!! I guess it's a lot easier to remind yourself of that when you've got lots of friends around to boost your ego for you. And I think without them, I'm having trouble. Especially with all that's happened to me.. I'm running low on love. I know I've got my dad and my brother, but it's not the same. Sometimes you just want to curl next to your friend and feel that love. I don't even know what I want anymore. I think about the qualities I want in a man and it just gets all muddled and confusing because I'm never going to find that!
I'm stuck in a rut and I hate it, but there's really no way out of it. I don't trust random people I meet and let's face it, I'm really not going to meet anyone through my friends at this rate. So basically?.. I just frustrated and annoyed.
I really did have it easy, I had a family who loved me, both my parents, loads of friends around - and now? It just feels like I've been left with next to nothing. My dad is in some ways a 'broken' man without my mother, my brother seems to be bottling things up.. and me? Well.. everyone tells me I'm strong and you know what, I WANT to fall apart and scream and kick and fight and blame someone for all this shit that's happening to me. I want to GIVE UP. I know I'm not without love.. my brain tells me and part of my heart knows.. but it's still really hard coz I just can't feel it anymore.
All I know is that I have this void, and something had better help me fill it.. I can't be this strong forever.
So, with my mom gone, I've come to realize there's a void in my life. Especially since I've had to move back up to Nor Cal. Don't get me wrong, I love Nor Cal because it's where I grew up. I love my friends that I've made here, they're great. But somehow, things just don't seem to be enough up here anymore. Hardly any of my friends are really around, most of them are seeing people, so it's even harder to get ahold of them and life just isn't the same anymore.
I miss So Cal, I miss having roommates and my own independence and place. I miss having guy friends around!! (Seriously, most of my high school friends are girls.. something you just want to 'dick' around and be stupid and guys are just better at that.. haha).
Anyway, I'm glad my friends have found 'love' in their lives, but I can't help but feel jealous too. They say it hits when you least expect it too.. well shit I'm in trouble then coz I want it and I can't get it out of my head. I read an article off MSN on speed dating which really amused me and then I decided what the heck, nothing to do go look at personals on craigslist. And as I got to reading them.. the lower and lower my confidence dropped.
Which brings me to what I've been thinking lately.. maybe I'm just not cute enough for the guys I want. I know that's stupid, soooo I'm NOT drop dead gorgeous, but hey I'm worth loving for sure!! I guess it's a lot easier to remind yourself of that when you've got lots of friends around to boost your ego for you. And I think without them, I'm having trouble. Especially with all that's happened to me.. I'm running low on love. I know I've got my dad and my brother, but it's not the same. Sometimes you just want to curl next to your friend and feel that love. I don't even know what I want anymore. I think about the qualities I want in a man and it just gets all muddled and confusing because I'm never going to find that!
I'm stuck in a rut and I hate it, but there's really no way out of it. I don't trust random people I meet and let's face it, I'm really not going to meet anyone through my friends at this rate. So basically?.. I just frustrated and annoyed.
I really did have it easy, I had a family who loved me, both my parents, loads of friends around - and now? It just feels like I've been left with next to nothing. My dad is in some ways a 'broken' man without my mother, my brother seems to be bottling things up.. and me? Well.. everyone tells me I'm strong and you know what, I WANT to fall apart and scream and kick and fight and blame someone for all this shit that's happening to me. I want to GIVE UP. I know I'm not without love.. my brain tells me and part of my heart knows.. but it's still really hard coz I just can't feel it anymore.
All I know is that I have this void, and something had better help me fill it.. I can't be this strong forever.
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