I am: drinking as much water as I possible can.
I think: people aren't really listening to each other.
I know: that I can do better.
I want: more than I have right now.
I wish: I had more of a goal in life.
I love: my bf, my family, my friends and that I can still feel love :).
I hate: liars, being too sensitive, commitmentphobia (my own).
I miss: my mom and my grandfather.
I fear: never achieving true potential (whatever that is).
I feel: my contacts squeezing my eyes and sleepy.
I hear: crazy people in the lobby.
I smell: hot coca with marshmallows.
I see: the monkeys on my wall.
I crave: tenderness.
I wonder: where I'll be in 3 years.
I regret: never having said enough.
I search: for my reality to align itself with my heart.
I am not: as patient as I once was.
I believe: in love.
I sing: in the car and the shower.
I have: more than I realize.
I dance: whenever I can get away with it.
I do not always: hear what my dad has to say.
I fight: back fear that I'll never do what I really want to do.
I hope: that I'll become who I want to be.
I never: say never.
I confuse: my words sometimes.
I ache: from loss.
I can usually be found: daydreaming.
I am scared: of the dark.
I need: love.
I lack: a bit of stability.
I am happy about: how I've handled my life so far.
I expect: to change and grow.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Sunday, January 02, 2005
christmas on a plane, new years in shanghai
I spent Christmas Eve into Christmas day on the UA flight.. you'd think it was nice, but I have to say.. UA Business class (yes i'm spoiled) service has deteriorated. This is how I know I've turned into my father's daughter, when I want to take the flight attendents aside to teach them proper customer service. Now honestly, how hard can it be? Not to mention it's your job!
My dad has this tendency to 'teach' wherever he goes, mostly the waitresses, coz we pretty much eat dinner out at some chinese restaurant every night, so needless to say, I got to hear the 'lecture' given oh... 10 times at least.
Taiwan was lovely, humid, scattered showers and more warm than cold. Visited the new tallest building in the world Taiwan 101 and got to see mr. daniel lee! He's been teaching english in taiwan for the last 5 months. It was so good to see him, we went to Taipei 101 and had lunch.. lunch as in itself and experience. There are an incredible amount of people in Taiwan and on the weekend at the mall and for some reason they congregate as a mass in the food court. Now I hate to be rushed, especially while I'm eating, but you literally had to hunt like hungry lions after a gazelle for a place to sit! We were wandering around with our trays for what seemed like 10 minutes (it was prolly more like 5-7) til Daniel spotted somewhere. I got to taste traditional Taiwanese food, granted I picked the safer version with fried tofu, veggies, soup and rice. Daniel order oyster omelete, honestly tastes like oyster with egg.. I prefer the fried tofu.
I also visited my grandfather's grave, had to lots to say to him in my heart. I miss him so much and it still hurts to know that I couldn't have a few more words with him. I love you grandpa, always.
Next off to Shanghai.. and for political reasons, instead of flying 2 hours from Taipei to Shanghai, we had to fly to Hong Kong (1.5 hours) and wait another 1.5 hours to then fly north to shanghai (2 hours). Lovely.. gotta love the relationship between Taiwan and China right now.
We've been living at my dad's cousins places, one owns the top floor of an apartment building and the other the bottom floor. It's been great, my aunt took me shopping, then my cousin took me shopping and we've been having foot and body massages left and right.. I'm massaged out right now, and it's actually starting to hurt! I've had yummy chinese breakfast every morning and delicious food throughout the day. It's basically been, eat breakfast, shop, eat lunch, massage, eat dinner, come home and sleep.
We did stop by the buddhist temple to pay respects to my mom's memorial there. My dad had an 8 hour service done for her the last time he was here. Some monks chanted while we kneeled and kow towed. I always know she's gone, and if I think about it too much I feel her absence, I don't like to think about it to hard. But sometimes you can't help it, she really is gone... One year later and I know there's still a part of me that's died with her. It's like a room no one goes into anymore, it's door is shut and everything in it is left exactly as it is and yet I'm still not completely sure exactly what's in the room.. but I don't want to open the door.
Mom, I love you.
New years was spent uneventful, I was waiting for the clock to pass 12 so I could go to bed.
Alrighty, off I go, only a few more hours and I head to the airport to finally go home.. thank goodness I don't have to go straight to work. I took the day off, yipee! I miss the states! (Did I mention Shanghainese (many Chinese ppl in general) can be pushy and rude!... oh man.. going to develop an ulcer if I stay longer)
Bye family! Thanks for everything!
I spent Christmas Eve into Christmas day on the UA flight.. you'd think it was nice, but I have to say.. UA Business class (yes i'm spoiled) service has deteriorated. This is how I know I've turned into my father's daughter, when I want to take the flight attendents aside to teach them proper customer service. Now honestly, how hard can it be? Not to mention it's your job!
My dad has this tendency to 'teach' wherever he goes, mostly the waitresses, coz we pretty much eat dinner out at some chinese restaurant every night, so needless to say, I got to hear the 'lecture' given oh... 10 times at least.
Taiwan was lovely, humid, scattered showers and more warm than cold. Visited the new tallest building in the world Taiwan 101 and got to see mr. daniel lee! He's been teaching english in taiwan for the last 5 months. It was so good to see him, we went to Taipei 101 and had lunch.. lunch as in itself and experience. There are an incredible amount of people in Taiwan and on the weekend at the mall and for some reason they congregate as a mass in the food court. Now I hate to be rushed, especially while I'm eating, but you literally had to hunt like hungry lions after a gazelle for a place to sit! We were wandering around with our trays for what seemed like 10 minutes (it was prolly more like 5-7) til Daniel spotted somewhere. I got to taste traditional Taiwanese food, granted I picked the safer version with fried tofu, veggies, soup and rice. Daniel order oyster omelete, honestly tastes like oyster with egg.. I prefer the fried tofu.
I also visited my grandfather's grave, had to lots to say to him in my heart. I miss him so much and it still hurts to know that I couldn't have a few more words with him. I love you grandpa, always.
Next off to Shanghai.. and for political reasons, instead of flying 2 hours from Taipei to Shanghai, we had to fly to Hong Kong (1.5 hours) and wait another 1.5 hours to then fly north to shanghai (2 hours). Lovely.. gotta love the relationship between Taiwan and China right now.
We've been living at my dad's cousins places, one owns the top floor of an apartment building and the other the bottom floor. It's been great, my aunt took me shopping, then my cousin took me shopping and we've been having foot and body massages left and right.. I'm massaged out right now, and it's actually starting to hurt! I've had yummy chinese breakfast every morning and delicious food throughout the day. It's basically been, eat breakfast, shop, eat lunch, massage, eat dinner, come home and sleep.
We did stop by the buddhist temple to pay respects to my mom's memorial there. My dad had an 8 hour service done for her the last time he was here. Some monks chanted while we kneeled and kow towed. I always know she's gone, and if I think about it too much I feel her absence, I don't like to think about it to hard. But sometimes you can't help it, she really is gone... One year later and I know there's still a part of me that's died with her. It's like a room no one goes into anymore, it's door is shut and everything in it is left exactly as it is and yet I'm still not completely sure exactly what's in the room.. but I don't want to open the door.
Mom, I love you.
New years was spent uneventful, I was waiting for the clock to pass 12 so I could go to bed.
Alrighty, off I go, only a few more hours and I head to the airport to finally go home.. thank goodness I don't have to go straight to work. I took the day off, yipee! I miss the states! (Did I mention Shanghainese (many Chinese ppl in general) can be pushy and rude!... oh man.. going to develop an ulcer if I stay longer)
Bye family! Thanks for everything!
i hope in 2005...
to write more often in my blog (so perhaps others can make sense of my randomness)
to exercise more.. or rather continually/regularly
to create more of a plan for my future
to study a language
to save more money
to remember these hopes 3 months into the new year ;)
happy christmas and new years everyone! it's bloody cold in china right now!
to write more often in my blog (so perhaps others can make sense of my randomness)
to exercise more.. or rather continually/regularly
to create more of a plan for my future
to study a language
to save more money
to remember these hopes 3 months into the new year ;)
happy christmas and new years everyone! it's bloody cold in china right now!
Thursday, December 02, 2004
stuffy nose delirium
Everytime i get a stuffy nose, my head gets all out of wack and my sinus hurt and it's just awful.. what's worse, I can't seem to control my mouth.. or rather what comes out of it.
Have you noticed that, the moment your head gets "foggy", like in times of drunkeness, intense sleepiness, or sickness, your mouth and your brain just lose control of each other. You can't get deep conversation out of me if you tried, but you ask the right questions and you'll get deeper truths, in a sense deeper truths. If you ask me what I got you for Christmas, I'll probably blurt it out, and you can't get any deeper truths than that during the holiday season. haha..
see.. there I go again, not making any sense.
Anyway.. here were random thoughts/occurances today during my walk through delirium.
First off, you say anything to me and it'll take a good 30 seconds for me to really soak it in.. and another 30 sec for me to give you an answer.. whether or not that answer makes any sense, we'll you'll have to let me know. what's that you say?
Secondly I'm way more polite when I'm sick, everything is a lot slower and I drive slower too (that sucks, I'm usually quick about everything).
Thirdly.. I go through periods where I'm so clouded I can't do anything, I was holding onto a really soft stuffed animal today and I had this intense urge to just lay down on it and sleep. We were going through donations of stuffed animals and the urge to lay upon them all and nap was great.. too bad my co workers were also in the room.
Fourthly.. I realized I don't do anything anymore. My coworker asked what is there to do Friday night and the only thing I could think of? Sit at home with the boyfriend, watch a movie, eat and cuddle. That's my life now.. I don't do anything. Well I do.. but it feels like I don't really.
My life is a pattern, I sleep, eat, work, go home, see bf on weekends, eat some more.. sleep.. only see certain people in my life, generally bf and roommate are about it.
Fifthly(?) I know I've been thinking strange thoughts almost like I'm watching my life through someone elses eyes, but I can't keep those thoughts in my head.. and this is weird, either it just got really really dark outside or the lights look brighter.. there goes my ear popping.
Man I hate being sick.. life's so much more boring when you're sick..
Everytime i get a stuffy nose, my head gets all out of wack and my sinus hurt and it's just awful.. what's worse, I can't seem to control my mouth.. or rather what comes out of it.
Have you noticed that, the moment your head gets "foggy", like in times of drunkeness, intense sleepiness, or sickness, your mouth and your brain just lose control of each other. You can't get deep conversation out of me if you tried, but you ask the right questions and you'll get deeper truths, in a sense deeper truths. If you ask me what I got you for Christmas, I'll probably blurt it out, and you can't get any deeper truths than that during the holiday season. haha..
see.. there I go again, not making any sense.
Anyway.. here were random thoughts/occurances today during my walk through delirium.
First off, you say anything to me and it'll take a good 30 seconds for me to really soak it in.. and another 30 sec for me to give you an answer.. whether or not that answer makes any sense, we'll you'll have to let me know. what's that you say?
Secondly I'm way more polite when I'm sick, everything is a lot slower and I drive slower too (that sucks, I'm usually quick about everything).
Thirdly.. I go through periods where I'm so clouded I can't do anything, I was holding onto a really soft stuffed animal today and I had this intense urge to just lay down on it and sleep. We were going through donations of stuffed animals and the urge to lay upon them all and nap was great.. too bad my co workers were also in the room.
Fourthly.. I realized I don't do anything anymore. My coworker asked what is there to do Friday night and the only thing I could think of? Sit at home with the boyfriend, watch a movie, eat and cuddle. That's my life now.. I don't do anything. Well I do.. but it feels like I don't really.
My life is a pattern, I sleep, eat, work, go home, see bf on weekends, eat some more.. sleep.. only see certain people in my life, generally bf and roommate are about it.
Fifthly(?) I know I've been thinking strange thoughts almost like I'm watching my life through someone elses eyes, but I can't keep those thoughts in my head.. and this is weird, either it just got really really dark outside or the lights look brighter.. there goes my ear popping.
Man I hate being sick.. life's so much more boring when you're sick..
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
working in the dark
I woke up this morning and I could hear the rain outside and it was completely pitch black. Lately, more often than not, I wake up wondering if I've missed the changing of the clocks or maybe read my alarm wrong and it's really not 7am yet.. but it is. 10-15 minutes later the sky will lighten a tiny bit.
Today's the first day it's actually rained.. really rained, not the wimpy kind of light splatter, but hard plops of drops that cause giant puddles that spray out against your car when you go through a ditch you can't see the bottom of. It's great! I love rainy days too, not too many but I love them all the same. Makes me want to curl up with a cup of hot chocolate and snuggle up to someone, preferrably not just a chum.
Which I now have again in my life! Yay! And as most people say it happens when you least expect it, which it did. Granted, I did meet him online, but I wasn't planning on it. It started out as a joke and then we were talking and he sounded like fun and I was totally up for meeting new people. I was so tired of my friends all being so busy and me just sitting at home bored. So I thought.. well I'm a smart, confident girl, I know exactly what will make me feel better and what is lacking in my life.. my friends!! People to hang out with, to make stupid jokes with, people who love me for my dorkiness. Granted I still have my friends, but they're scattered all over and busy with their own lives, not to mention distance makes it hard to hang out.
So I start kicking it with this guy, he's funny, he's cute, he's 'normal', we're so different but things kind of clicked so I went with it. But it does feel a bit strange.. I've been single for so long and as much as I complained about it, I look back and realize how much of a blessing it actually was. I had LOTS of time for self reflection.. and I know this time around I won't lose myself so blindly into a relationship and forget who I am. I know I'm still capable of changing and I'm sure there's still more to learn about who I am as a person, but damn.. after all the shit I went through in the last few years, I'm glad I still managed to retain most of my 'sanity' and most of 'me'. I was so afraid I'd turn into this stone faced, stone hearted, bitter person. But I can't, I won't, and even if this relationship ends up hurting me, it's not going to stop me from ever loving people and trying to find that 'can't live w/out each other love'.
Already things are changing, more of my friends are in the area now, I'm getting more involved with the community, going to start hula lessons too! And now there's a new man in my life, it's strange to say boyfriend, I've never really used that word before. It's strange to hear him refer to me as his girlfriend.. strange but nice, comforting. Especially since just as I start getting settled, my brother takes off for school in So Cal and my dad moves out to North Carolina! They left me here!! At least I'm not alone. :P Although now.. I have another 'challenge' ahead of me, I've actually gotten used to being single, being independent. Now I'm going to have to learn to be part of a relationship that's not friendship. I have a feeling this is going to be fun... ;)
I guess I can let myself be happy.. right? I know I for sure as hell deserve it!
I woke up this morning and I could hear the rain outside and it was completely pitch black. Lately, more often than not, I wake up wondering if I've missed the changing of the clocks or maybe read my alarm wrong and it's really not 7am yet.. but it is. 10-15 minutes later the sky will lighten a tiny bit.
Today's the first day it's actually rained.. really rained, not the wimpy kind of light splatter, but hard plops of drops that cause giant puddles that spray out against your car when you go through a ditch you can't see the bottom of. It's great! I love rainy days too, not too many but I love them all the same. Makes me want to curl up with a cup of hot chocolate and snuggle up to someone, preferrably not just a chum.
Which I now have again in my life! Yay! And as most people say it happens when you least expect it, which it did. Granted, I did meet him online, but I wasn't planning on it. It started out as a joke and then we were talking and he sounded like fun and I was totally up for meeting new people. I was so tired of my friends all being so busy and me just sitting at home bored. So I thought.. well I'm a smart, confident girl, I know exactly what will make me feel better and what is lacking in my life.. my friends!! People to hang out with, to make stupid jokes with, people who love me for my dorkiness. Granted I still have my friends, but they're scattered all over and busy with their own lives, not to mention distance makes it hard to hang out.
So I start kicking it with this guy, he's funny, he's cute, he's 'normal', we're so different but things kind of clicked so I went with it. But it does feel a bit strange.. I've been single for so long and as much as I complained about it, I look back and realize how much of a blessing it actually was. I had LOTS of time for self reflection.. and I know this time around I won't lose myself so blindly into a relationship and forget who I am. I know I'm still capable of changing and I'm sure there's still more to learn about who I am as a person, but damn.. after all the shit I went through in the last few years, I'm glad I still managed to retain most of my 'sanity' and most of 'me'. I was so afraid I'd turn into this stone faced, stone hearted, bitter person. But I can't, I won't, and even if this relationship ends up hurting me, it's not going to stop me from ever loving people and trying to find that 'can't live w/out each other love'.
Already things are changing, more of my friends are in the area now, I'm getting more involved with the community, going to start hula lessons too! And now there's a new man in my life, it's strange to say boyfriend, I've never really used that word before. It's strange to hear him refer to me as his girlfriend.. strange but nice, comforting. Especially since just as I start getting settled, my brother takes off for school in So Cal and my dad moves out to North Carolina! They left me here!! At least I'm not alone. :P Although now.. I have another 'challenge' ahead of me, I've actually gotten used to being single, being independent. Now I'm going to have to learn to be part of a relationship that's not friendship. I have a feeling this is going to be fun... ;)
I guess I can let myself be happy.. right? I know I for sure as hell deserve it!
Thursday, October 14, 2004
end of innocence
i'm actually watching this boy, sad looking dark haired boy about 13, he walks into a room and ppl are running around and there's this cold air about and i hear someone say, she's not going to make it.
i see this tv monitor, it's slightly fuzzy, the tracking is messed up and there's a slight crack in the screen, it's showing this girl who's about 7 and she's got this peaceful look on her face like she knows what's coming and has accepted it, yet somewhat sad too and i can hear her name miné (sounds like mee-neh) and then suddenly i'm in the room watching her and it's cold in the room, but i'm not and she isn't.
and the boy is suddenly there and she lights up and smiles and you can tell she really loves him and she hugs him and he sort of smiles back and you can tell he's in turmoil inside because he loves her so much
he says he'll always be there for her. and she's kind of got this wisdom in her eyes like she knows
and the room becomes warm and he knows he has to go, that's when she turns and looks at me (although this whole time i feel like i'm just floating and watching from another world) and she has this look on her face that says to me, it's time to go then...
i wake up
i'm actually watching this boy, sad looking dark haired boy about 13, he walks into a room and ppl are running around and there's this cold air about and i hear someone say, she's not going to make it.
i see this tv monitor, it's slightly fuzzy, the tracking is messed up and there's a slight crack in the screen, it's showing this girl who's about 7 and she's got this peaceful look on her face like she knows what's coming and has accepted it, yet somewhat sad too and i can hear her name miné (sounds like mee-neh) and then suddenly i'm in the room watching her and it's cold in the room, but i'm not and she isn't.
and the boy is suddenly there and she lights up and smiles and you can tell she really loves him and she hugs him and he sort of smiles back and you can tell he's in turmoil inside because he loves her so much
he says he'll always be there for her. and she's kind of got this wisdom in her eyes like she knows
and the room becomes warm and he knows he has to go, that's when she turns and looks at me (although this whole time i feel like i'm just floating and watching from another world) and she has this look on her face that says to me, it's time to go then...
i wake up
Friday, September 24, 2004
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
baby steps
had a really good conversation w/ my dad tonight about my mom. it's taken awhile to be able to talk to him about her, because when i did i really wanted to cry, for him, for me, for my brother, for our family and our loss. but finally tonight i could tell him i was okay and talk about her w/out crying.
gotta take the baby steps..
mamman j'aimerais toujours.
your love carries me through each day
it reminds me i have so much to live for
i still have so much to give
i can still love
you are my strength and my heart
i am who i am because of you
and even though you are gone
i am still me because of your love
had a really good conversation w/ my dad tonight about my mom. it's taken awhile to be able to talk to him about her, because when i did i really wanted to cry, for him, for me, for my brother, for our family and our loss. but finally tonight i could tell him i was okay and talk about her w/out crying.
gotta take the baby steps..
mamman j'aimerais toujours.
your love carries me through each day
it reminds me i have so much to live for
i still have so much to give
i can still love
you are my strength and my heart
i am who i am because of you
and even though you are gone
i am still me because of your love
labor day
so i was so busy last week that i didn't even notice labor day weekend sneaking up on me. regular two day weekends.. fine, no problem, but an unplanned three day weekend!! what was i too do!? i hate not having things to do, which is why most days when i'm sick.. but not sick enough to stay home i'd rather go to work. at least i'm being productive.
but anyway! so friday night i'm like.. hmm well i'm kind of in the mood to just chill and be a homebody.. BUT! i get home and it's dark, the power had gone out, so i think okay i'll take a nap and when i wake up hopefully it'll be back on.. bad idea. i wake up in the heat and i'm completely groggy and confused, so i decide to go to the mall.. where else am i going to go? everyone's gone for the weekend w/ their boyfriends (sucks to be single sometimes). anyway, i remember bobby and lily are around, so i call them up, go over and we watch van helsing and eat tator tots and cookies.. fun times. :D i'm so glad those two have walked back into my life, coz they're good people. and as a fortune cookie once told me, 'you're always surrounded by true friends.'
so saturday we go to the beach early and i finally get some color into my skin.. sitting in an office all day doesn't help, but silly me i forget to put sunblock on my chest... i put it on my arms and legs. so now it's slightly red and itchy and bit burned. i hope it doesn't peel. but aloe is a blessing. anyway i get home and i find out my cousin's coming into town!! YAY! i meet up w/ her and another cousin and my brother, they come over and we just hang out for it. sunday i spent pratically all day with her and we really got to talk and chat about everything and anything, which was great. then we met up w/ these two guys to go to a greek festival. soooo much fun, not to mention one's really cute ;) and "normal".. you'll have to ask me what that means! we had some good food, pork kebabs and did a bit of greek dancing, and for some reason the guys kept making me laugh, my cheeks started to hurt, haven't laughed like that since verwin came to visit me.. hehe not that it's hard to make me laugh since i'm always smiling anyway. but yeah it really felt nice to be hanging out w/ people and have it be effortless and fun! (again missing my friends and thinking about the ones who can't be near me right now) So yeah sunday night i came home w/ a big ol' fatty smile on my face, lately since my 24th birthday i've just been feeling more and more 'normal' and i hope it lasts for quite some time.
so yeah, after i got back tho.. sucked.. try sleeping in heat. it's awful, i felt so sick and i kept tossing and turning. i had to get up early to meet some friends for breakfast, but i was seriously zoning and feeling ill. of course when i see sonia everything gets better, then we met up w/ ami and her sister, and had vietnamese sandwiches. it was good to just sit there and yack about a whole bunch of whatever, even tho sone lives in milpitas i hardly see her and it sucks. altho i'm sure both of us could make a better effort to hang out, she's one of the few people who despite being different from me knows me so incredibly well. it's nice to be understood, in fact it's great to be understood and to just tell her what goes on in my life and have her understand how i feel about it.
so yeah, that was my labor day, chilled monday picked up mendel from the airport which was fun, i love meeting people at the airport or getting met at the airport, there's a sense of security and feeling like i'm being welcomed back to a safe place.
my heart is with my friends and family always and they're what keep me safe. i don't know what i'd do w/out any of them. i came upon this ephiphany last week that put some solace into my heart.
the fact that i can hurt so deeply only means i can love that deeply.
and when i feared i'd never love again, that thought brings me comfort. love is pain and pleasure.
so i was so busy last week that i didn't even notice labor day weekend sneaking up on me. regular two day weekends.. fine, no problem, but an unplanned three day weekend!! what was i too do!? i hate not having things to do, which is why most days when i'm sick.. but not sick enough to stay home i'd rather go to work. at least i'm being productive.
but anyway! so friday night i'm like.. hmm well i'm kind of in the mood to just chill and be a homebody.. BUT! i get home and it's dark, the power had gone out, so i think okay i'll take a nap and when i wake up hopefully it'll be back on.. bad idea. i wake up in the heat and i'm completely groggy and confused, so i decide to go to the mall.. where else am i going to go? everyone's gone for the weekend w/ their boyfriends (sucks to be single sometimes). anyway, i remember bobby and lily are around, so i call them up, go over and we watch van helsing and eat tator tots and cookies.. fun times. :D i'm so glad those two have walked back into my life, coz they're good people. and as a fortune cookie once told me, 'you're always surrounded by true friends.'
so saturday we go to the beach early and i finally get some color into my skin.. sitting in an office all day doesn't help, but silly me i forget to put sunblock on my chest... i put it on my arms and legs. so now it's slightly red and itchy and bit burned. i hope it doesn't peel. but aloe is a blessing. anyway i get home and i find out my cousin's coming into town!! YAY! i meet up w/ her and another cousin and my brother, they come over and we just hang out for it. sunday i spent pratically all day with her and we really got to talk and chat about everything and anything, which was great. then we met up w/ these two guys to go to a greek festival. soooo much fun, not to mention one's really cute ;) and "normal".. you'll have to ask me what that means! we had some good food, pork kebabs and did a bit of greek dancing, and for some reason the guys kept making me laugh, my cheeks started to hurt, haven't laughed like that since verwin came to visit me.. hehe not that it's hard to make me laugh since i'm always smiling anyway. but yeah it really felt nice to be hanging out w/ people and have it be effortless and fun! (again missing my friends and thinking about the ones who can't be near me right now) So yeah sunday night i came home w/ a big ol' fatty smile on my face, lately since my 24th birthday i've just been feeling more and more 'normal' and i hope it lasts for quite some time.
so yeah, after i got back tho.. sucked.. try sleeping in heat. it's awful, i felt so sick and i kept tossing and turning. i had to get up early to meet some friends for breakfast, but i was seriously zoning and feeling ill. of course when i see sonia everything gets better, then we met up w/ ami and her sister, and had vietnamese sandwiches. it was good to just sit there and yack about a whole bunch of whatever, even tho sone lives in milpitas i hardly see her and it sucks. altho i'm sure both of us could make a better effort to hang out, she's one of the few people who despite being different from me knows me so incredibly well. it's nice to be understood, in fact it's great to be understood and to just tell her what goes on in my life and have her understand how i feel about it.
so yeah, that was my labor day, chilled monday picked up mendel from the airport which was fun, i love meeting people at the airport or getting met at the airport, there's a sense of security and feeling like i'm being welcomed back to a safe place.
my heart is with my friends and family always and they're what keep me safe. i don't know what i'd do w/out any of them. i came upon this ephiphany last week that put some solace into my heart.
the fact that i can hurt so deeply only means i can love that deeply.
and when i feared i'd never love again, that thought brings me comfort. love is pain and pleasure.
Saturday, September 04, 2004
Why do Women Cry?
A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.
"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."
Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.
Finally he asked God. He said, "God, why do women cry so easily?"
God said:
" When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.
I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.
I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.
I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.
I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.
And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."
that's how my mother loved our family and that's how i hope i will love my family.
A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.
"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."
Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.
Finally he asked God. He said, "God, why do women cry so easily?"
God said:
" When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.
I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.
I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.
I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.
I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.
And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."
that's how my mother loved our family and that's how i hope i will love my family.
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
hope in the heart
hmmm don't know what it is, but life feels like it's happening and moving.. feels good. :) there's hope in my heart and i feel like something's about to happen in my life, hopefully good.. nothing's been getting me down lately. something in my heart has settled a bit more these last few days and even things that used to hurt the heart i chuckle at. as if life and i know better.. the hurt won't last, something will come alone to soothe that away and put hope back in the heart.
hope in the heart again
hmmm don't know what it is, but life feels like it's happening and moving.. feels good. :) there's hope in my heart and i feel like something's about to happen in my life, hopefully good.. nothing's been getting me down lately. something in my heart has settled a bit more these last few days and even things that used to hurt the heart i chuckle at. as if life and i know better.. the hurt won't last, something will come alone to soothe that away and put hope back in the heart.
hope in the heart again
Thursday, August 26, 2004
www.colorquiz.com
Your Existing Situation
Works well in cooperation with others but is disinclined to take the leading role. Needs a personal life of mutual understanding and freedom from discord.
Your Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and to bridge the gap which she feels separates herself from others. Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest. She therefore resents any restriction or limitation being imposed on her and insists on being free and unhampered.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.
Your Desired Objective
Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming. Longs for interesting and exciting things to happen and wants to be admired for her charm.
Your Actual Problem
Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.
Your Actual Problem #2
The fear that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of illusory or meaningless activities.
Your Existing Situation
Works well in cooperation with others but is disinclined to take the leading role. Needs a personal life of mutual understanding and freedom from discord.
Your Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and to bridge the gap which she feels separates herself from others. Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest. She therefore resents any restriction or limitation being imposed on her and insists on being free and unhampered.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.
Your Desired Objective
Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming. Longs for interesting and exciting things to happen and wants to be admired for her charm.
Your Actual Problem
Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.
Your Actual Problem #2
The fear that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of illusory or meaningless activities.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
the best birfday ever!!
so i just wanted to write it down so i remember what happened!
friday night 9:30 pick greedi, ef, pena, and the captain up from the airport, drop stuff off at home and go to santana row. seeing as how san jose isn't that fun.. it was the only place i could really think of. we wander around and end up at this irish pub called rosie's.. an irish pub that served mojitos and played house music! fantastic!! haha it was hilarious and laods of fun. smokin' drinkin' sober me.. fun :)
we get home, crash and sleep, wake up and go to indian buffet.. yuuuummmmyyy. then back to santa row in the day time to 'shop' and walk off our tummies. wander around, take a picture w/ a beautiful black great dane, walk all the way over to valley fair, all over valley fair, i think the only things we bought were drinks the whole time, wander back to the car and go home, chill hang out watch olympics, i think i fell asleep at one point for a short while.. i think.. decide where we want to go for dinner and get dressed and head out. delancey street cafe - one of my favourite places to eat in the city! it's awesome, the appetizers are terrific and i think we were served by ex-cons trying to empower themselves and get a stable life together. anyways, seared tuna.. yuuuummy. they drank some more, i ate some more, and we hop back in the car over to suite 181. they start drinkin' in the car (we were parked) and we head inside. ALLLLLLLL these people showed up!! it was great! scattered but great. I got to celebrate it w/ my roommate and jen and virginia and all their friends and our mutual friends, my high school buddies, and Dip showed up when I didn't expect him, dustin came too! It was wonderful! I had such a great time, a smile plastered on my face the entire night. Despite the fact my feet were killing me it was fantastic. Drove home, watched greedi and the captain somehow walk upstairs, downstairs, change into pjs, walk back upstairs and pass out and not remember a thing. *gropy* hilarious! i love being sober sometimes w/ drunk friends, it's pure entertainment.
wake up the next morning, go to a vegetarian place to meet my dad, bro, grandpa, auntie and cousin and we all chow down on yummy chinese vegetarian food. who'd thought it would taste good! all pile back in my car, pass a tan in-n-out which seem to merit a photo by greedi. get home, i pass out again.. sorry tired, didn't sleep much.. wake up, order pizza, drive them back to the airport and off they went back to OC. :( booo.. so monday was monday.. went to jen's to eat dinner after having eaten at a FIRST 5 event.. man soo much food I was stuffed. I get home and karen hands me a piece of paper.. my birthday gift from her, joe, mendel, mason, jane, fuzz? and jen (i think that's it). Anyways on it is a list of DARKROOM EQUIPMENT!! It was everything else I needed to complete my darkroom and now I can set it up and do my photos again! How freaking awesome is that! it's the best present ever!!!!!!!
Tuesday! I turned 24 on the 24th of August!! Supposedly that means it's going to be the best year of my life. I hope it doesn't stop there, but I wouldn't mind this year being the best so far. Anyway I couldn't have asked for a better day considering the hardships I went through the last two years. So I get to work, people are already wishing me a happy birthday, phone calls, text messages, IM's, the works.. then I get a package.. roses!! at work!! I've always wanted flowers at work and here they were! They're sitting on my desk and I stare at them everyday. :) My co-workers take me to lunch and get me a $50 giftcard to ValleyFair.. muwahahaha. More shopping for me yay! And every single one of them was there too, it was great fun. Get back to work, more wishes and fun surprises. I get an email from one of my best friends, Mike and it said hey vix check this out and please read it.. i was kinda sad at first coz I thot boo he forgot my birthday.. open up the word document and it's a card to me! Smiles all over again!! haha I don't think I had been this happy in a long time for so long! Work ends at 5, I get home, park, open my back door, get the mail key, open the front door to have a bouquet of balloons smack me in the head! Angie,, you're the best cousin ever! The balloons are great. Then Mendel comes over for dinner, w/ Naked Juice. :) and jane comes over w/ a cake that has a smiling sun (who looks like it's on crack) and bobby and lily (whom i haven't seen in years) come over w/ tubs of icecream!! hehe. It was just plain good.
I had the best birthday I've ever had and I can't thank my friends enough for caring so much about me and remembering and making me feel so incredibly special. You're all wonderful and I love you!
so i just wanted to write it down so i remember what happened!
friday night 9:30 pick greedi, ef, pena, and the captain up from the airport, drop stuff off at home and go to santana row. seeing as how san jose isn't that fun.. it was the only place i could really think of. we wander around and end up at this irish pub called rosie's.. an irish pub that served mojitos and played house music! fantastic!! haha it was hilarious and laods of fun. smokin' drinkin' sober me.. fun :)
we get home, crash and sleep, wake up and go to indian buffet.. yuuuummmmyyy. then back to santa row in the day time to 'shop' and walk off our tummies. wander around, take a picture w/ a beautiful black great dane, walk all the way over to valley fair, all over valley fair, i think the only things we bought were drinks the whole time, wander back to the car and go home, chill hang out watch olympics, i think i fell asleep at one point for a short while.. i think.. decide where we want to go for dinner and get dressed and head out. delancey street cafe - one of my favourite places to eat in the city! it's awesome, the appetizers are terrific and i think we were served by ex-cons trying to empower themselves and get a stable life together. anyways, seared tuna.. yuuuummy. they drank some more, i ate some more, and we hop back in the car over to suite 181. they start drinkin' in the car (we were parked) and we head inside. ALLLLLLLL these people showed up!! it was great! scattered but great. I got to celebrate it w/ my roommate and jen and virginia and all their friends and our mutual friends, my high school buddies, and Dip showed up when I didn't expect him, dustin came too! It was wonderful! I had such a great time, a smile plastered on my face the entire night. Despite the fact my feet were killing me it was fantastic. Drove home, watched greedi and the captain somehow walk upstairs, downstairs, change into pjs, walk back upstairs and pass out and not remember a thing. *gropy* hilarious! i love being sober sometimes w/ drunk friends, it's pure entertainment.
wake up the next morning, go to a vegetarian place to meet my dad, bro, grandpa, auntie and cousin and we all chow down on yummy chinese vegetarian food. who'd thought it would taste good! all pile back in my car, pass a tan in-n-out which seem to merit a photo by greedi. get home, i pass out again.. sorry tired, didn't sleep much.. wake up, order pizza, drive them back to the airport and off they went back to OC. :( booo.. so monday was monday.. went to jen's to eat dinner after having eaten at a FIRST 5 event.. man soo much food I was stuffed. I get home and karen hands me a piece of paper.. my birthday gift from her, joe, mendel, mason, jane, fuzz? and jen (i think that's it). Anyways on it is a list of DARKROOM EQUIPMENT!! It was everything else I needed to complete my darkroom and now I can set it up and do my photos again! How freaking awesome is that! it's the best present ever!!!!!!!
Tuesday! I turned 24 on the 24th of August!! Supposedly that means it's going to be the best year of my life. I hope it doesn't stop there, but I wouldn't mind this year being the best so far. Anyway I couldn't have asked for a better day considering the hardships I went through the last two years. So I get to work, people are already wishing me a happy birthday, phone calls, text messages, IM's, the works.. then I get a package.. roses!! at work!! I've always wanted flowers at work and here they were! They're sitting on my desk and I stare at them everyday. :) My co-workers take me to lunch and get me a $50 giftcard to ValleyFair.. muwahahaha. More shopping for me yay! And every single one of them was there too, it was great fun. Get back to work, more wishes and fun surprises. I get an email from one of my best friends, Mike and it said hey vix check this out and please read it.. i was kinda sad at first coz I thot boo he forgot my birthday.. open up the word document and it's a card to me! Smiles all over again!! haha I don't think I had been this happy in a long time for so long! Work ends at 5, I get home, park, open my back door, get the mail key, open the front door to have a bouquet of balloons smack me in the head! Angie,, you're the best cousin ever! The balloons are great. Then Mendel comes over for dinner, w/ Naked Juice. :) and jane comes over w/ a cake that has a smiling sun (who looks like it's on crack) and bobby and lily (whom i haven't seen in years) come over w/ tubs of icecream!! hehe. It was just plain good.
I had the best birthday I've ever had and I can't thank my friends enough for caring so much about me and remembering and making me feel so incredibly special. You're all wonderful and I love you!
Sunday, August 15, 2004
firsts
so there's a first time for everything.. first time you talk, walk, speak.. first crush, kiss, boyfriend, first love.. first time you have your heart broken, first time you truly lose someone you love and then the first time it happens again after that..
i realize i'm going through a whole new set of firsts.. first christmas without her, first new year without her, first birthday without her. it's a strange, empty feeling.
sometimes i get scared to talk to people about it, coz i feel like they're going to think i'm just using her passing as an excuse. but if you remember who i was before she died and how i am now.. how could it possibly ever be an excuse. this is a life changing event that one will never understand until one goes through it.
but if you could just for a minute.. imagine what it might be like to lose your mom.. multiply that by infinite and you'll know what i'm feeling.
doesn't mean i'm wallowing in self pity. i hurt from her loss still.. even though it's almost been a year, i miss her everyday. the only way i can explain it, is through firsts..
that's why the pain is still there, because to me.. most of this is the first time i've had to do things in a world where she's no longer physically part of. but i've realized, that i'm a lot stronger than i believed i was. and although some days i would love to be weak and fall, there's still strength in that weakness because i'm still here the next day... hope still exists and she taught me to love, so how could i not?
there is a bit of comfort in my pain.. i know i hurt because i love and i'm glad i can still love.. friends and family at least and that's what matters most to me right now.
mamman, je vous aimerai toujours.
so there's a first time for everything.. first time you talk, walk, speak.. first crush, kiss, boyfriend, first love.. first time you have your heart broken, first time you truly lose someone you love and then the first time it happens again after that..
i realize i'm going through a whole new set of firsts.. first christmas without her, first new year without her, first birthday without her. it's a strange, empty feeling.
sometimes i get scared to talk to people about it, coz i feel like they're going to think i'm just using her passing as an excuse. but if you remember who i was before she died and how i am now.. how could it possibly ever be an excuse. this is a life changing event that one will never understand until one goes through it.
but if you could just for a minute.. imagine what it might be like to lose your mom.. multiply that by infinite and you'll know what i'm feeling.
doesn't mean i'm wallowing in self pity. i hurt from her loss still.. even though it's almost been a year, i miss her everyday. the only way i can explain it, is through firsts..
that's why the pain is still there, because to me.. most of this is the first time i've had to do things in a world where she's no longer physically part of. but i've realized, that i'm a lot stronger than i believed i was. and although some days i would love to be weak and fall, there's still strength in that weakness because i'm still here the next day... hope still exists and she taught me to love, so how could i not?
there is a bit of comfort in my pain.. i know i hurt because i love and i'm glad i can still love.. friends and family at least and that's what matters most to me right now.
mamman, je vous aimerai toujours.
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Friday, August 06, 2004
fevered wakefulness
i haven't had a fever in a year, guess that flu shot is wearing off or something. anyway all i could think about today was how lonely i felt being sick and at home alone. it sucked, i was sick enough that standing up and walking around made me dizzy, not sick enough to just pass out and sleep. thank goodness for dvd's and a laptop that plays them. it's early in the morning and i'm not sure if it's the caffeine from the herbal tea (if there's any in there) or if i'm too afraid to go to sleep.
being sick makes me sad, it makes me miss my mom a lot more and i seem to be on the downside of my usual up/down depression (no thanks to a few other incidents in my life). i didn't think i could hit any lower since october and yet life continues to prove me wrong. my fault really, i knew the truth of the matter and didn't want to acknowledge it. it seems my expectations in life have heightened.. part of believes that i am owed for all that i've lost and endured.. all the pain i've had to experience within the last two years alone. all these thoughts swam through my head today and many of them i wish would just leave and never return. but it hurts, to think these thoughts because pain comes with these thoughts. i'm tired of pain, i just want peace.
but all i can think about as i lay here in bed is God, I wish someone was here to hold me, to tell me everything's going to be okay. instead i'm all alone in the house, which makes it feel even lonlier and instead i wish for a dream. i know what it's like to be held.. i remember how it felt to love someone like that and believe that they love you. to be only concerned with each other, to keep each other safe. oh to have someone love me the way i know i can love a person..i need to feel safe tonight but i don't. i feel fevered and sick and lonely.. it sucks.
if God is so all powerful, can't he at least send me a dream? in the words of one of my closest friends, 'throw me a freakin' bone would ya?' one dream.. a nice long one of someone holding me safe throughout the night. is that too much to ask for? He obviously isn't going to send my perfect man to knock on the bloody door anytime soon now is He.. but a dream.. I could do with a dream. or heck.. just knock me out and let me not dream for once tonite.. i wouldn't mind that either.
i hate that part when you close your eyes, before sleep takes ahold of you, because that's when the pain is the worst. that's when you really feel it.. physically and it's like your heart is being squeezed and i imagine someone holding me and for a split second i can feel that too, but then it's gone and that hurts as well.
just peace would be nice.. i better close my eyes.. have to get past that part for sleep.
i haven't had a fever in a year, guess that flu shot is wearing off or something. anyway all i could think about today was how lonely i felt being sick and at home alone. it sucked, i was sick enough that standing up and walking around made me dizzy, not sick enough to just pass out and sleep. thank goodness for dvd's and a laptop that plays them. it's early in the morning and i'm not sure if it's the caffeine from the herbal tea (if there's any in there) or if i'm too afraid to go to sleep.
being sick makes me sad, it makes me miss my mom a lot more and i seem to be on the downside of my usual up/down depression (no thanks to a few other incidents in my life). i didn't think i could hit any lower since october and yet life continues to prove me wrong. my fault really, i knew the truth of the matter and didn't want to acknowledge it. it seems my expectations in life have heightened.. part of believes that i am owed for all that i've lost and endured.. all the pain i've had to experience within the last two years alone. all these thoughts swam through my head today and many of them i wish would just leave and never return. but it hurts, to think these thoughts because pain comes with these thoughts. i'm tired of pain, i just want peace.
but all i can think about as i lay here in bed is God, I wish someone was here to hold me, to tell me everything's going to be okay. instead i'm all alone in the house, which makes it feel even lonlier and instead i wish for a dream. i know what it's like to be held.. i remember how it felt to love someone like that and believe that they love you. to be only concerned with each other, to keep each other safe. oh to have someone love me the way i know i can love a person..i need to feel safe tonight but i don't. i feel fevered and sick and lonely.. it sucks.
if God is so all powerful, can't he at least send me a dream? in the words of one of my closest friends, 'throw me a freakin' bone would ya?' one dream.. a nice long one of someone holding me safe throughout the night. is that too much to ask for? He obviously isn't going to send my perfect man to knock on the bloody door anytime soon now is He.. but a dream.. I could do with a dream. or heck.. just knock me out and let me not dream for once tonite.. i wouldn't mind that either.
i hate that part when you close your eyes, before sleep takes ahold of you, because that's when the pain is the worst. that's when you really feel it.. physically and it's like your heart is being squeezed and i imagine someone holding me and for a split second i can feel that too, but then it's gone and that hurts as well.
just peace would be nice.. i better close my eyes.. have to get past that part for sleep.
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
i miss her
i was training at stanford hospital the last two days and as i walked through the building all i could think of was.. this was the place where my mother passed away. i could vaguely remember how i felt and what had happened, but now it seems all so far away. it's like i've automatically pushed everything away, this pain sits behind a gray hazey veil that walks along side my life. and yet it still seems absolutely real, sharp and clear. this pain.. this indescribable feeling of loneliness because no one can possible understand what i have to live with every day of my life.
if something were to feel unreal and all too real at the same time it is this, this feeling of pain with no hope at the end of it. only a waiting for time to dull the wound and ease the loneliness. a hope that some love will enter my life and fill a part of the void that has entered my heart.
love has this way of building upon itself, renewing itself, because if you love and are loved in return it feeds into each other and creates this safe place. because if you love someone, they're what matters and you would give whatever you could to them.
i want to believe again. i hate this bitterness that builds, who deserves this? i just feel like i keep giving but nothing comes back to me, i'm not going to have anything left to give soon, only bitterness and anger in my heart. as much as i hope for love, i'm not strong enough for all of this. and despite knowing my friends are always there.. this is a love they cannot offer and with this pain it is a love i will never hope to find.
i just want peace. i want to be normal again. i don't want to hope for love.
shhhh let it fade away.
i was training at stanford hospital the last two days and as i walked through the building all i could think of was.. this was the place where my mother passed away. i could vaguely remember how i felt and what had happened, but now it seems all so far away. it's like i've automatically pushed everything away, this pain sits behind a gray hazey veil that walks along side my life. and yet it still seems absolutely real, sharp and clear. this pain.. this indescribable feeling of loneliness because no one can possible understand what i have to live with every day of my life.
if something were to feel unreal and all too real at the same time it is this, this feeling of pain with no hope at the end of it. only a waiting for time to dull the wound and ease the loneliness. a hope that some love will enter my life and fill a part of the void that has entered my heart.
love has this way of building upon itself, renewing itself, because if you love and are loved in return it feeds into each other and creates this safe place. because if you love someone, they're what matters and you would give whatever you could to them.
i want to believe again. i hate this bitterness that builds, who deserves this? i just feel like i keep giving but nothing comes back to me, i'm not going to have anything left to give soon, only bitterness and anger in my heart. as much as i hope for love, i'm not strong enough for all of this. and despite knowing my friends are always there.. this is a love they cannot offer and with this pain it is a love i will never hope to find.
i just want peace. i want to be normal again. i don't want to hope for love.
shhhh let it fade away.
a faint memory
why are you mad?
because you're not listening to me.
I am listening, you're not hearing me.
okay fine, I'm listening, what do you want to tell me?
I love you.
you do? what kind of love is that?
I don't know. the kind where I love you but I can't.
how do you silence thoughts that wish to be words but to be spoken would only complicate life.. so thus they remain whispered only in dreams.
"i love you"
"i know"
"no seriously, i love you"
"I know"
"no, I really LOVE you."
"I KNOW.. I love you too."
....I'm sorry, I didn't know... I still don't.
it's so far away now that i'm not sure about the context of things anymore. i have known love of all types.. and this is what i get for believing.
my past is my past and i need to let it lie, the present is what was the future and the future hopefully will have a light.
why are you mad?
because you're not listening to me.
I am listening, you're not hearing me.
okay fine, I'm listening, what do you want to tell me?
I love you.
you do? what kind of love is that?
I don't know. the kind where I love you but I can't.
how do you silence thoughts that wish to be words but to be spoken would only complicate life.. so thus they remain whispered only in dreams.
"i love you"
"i know"
"no seriously, i love you"
"I know"
"no, I really LOVE you."
"I KNOW.. I love you too."
....I'm sorry, I didn't know... I still don't.
it's so far away now that i'm not sure about the context of things anymore. i have known love of all types.. and this is what i get for believing.
my past is my past and i need to let it lie, the present is what was the future and the future hopefully will have a light.
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
i was mistaken
I made a mistake this time around and I was wrong. I let me heart tell my mind lies because the rest of my life hurt so bad and instead I only ended with more pain. I almost lost something something I didn't want taken. I'm paying for it now as I paid for it once before.
I forgot the one rule I said applied. it is what is it and nothing more.
I just needed you to care, but you never will, not for me.
i was wrong, my heart can become more bitter and the more bitter the heart, the more it hopes to be saved, but the more it believes it never will be.
This is what it’s like to walk half blind
Listening to sugar coated lies
Gray haze following you through
Heart creating lies from mind’s truths
Every heart break leads
To heart hardening
Anger numbing pain
Until it fades away to bitterness
When you imagine nothing good will ever come again
Coz life’s dealt you a shit hand
And you found that for all you gave
Nothing was received
i dream when i sleep, i never want to dream again.
the man laughed at me.
I made a mistake this time around and I was wrong. I let me heart tell my mind lies because the rest of my life hurt so bad and instead I only ended with more pain. I almost lost something something I didn't want taken. I'm paying for it now as I paid for it once before.
I forgot the one rule I said applied. it is what is it and nothing more.
I just needed you to care, but you never will, not for me.
i was wrong, my heart can become more bitter and the more bitter the heart, the more it hopes to be saved, but the more it believes it never will be.
This is what it’s like to walk half blind
Listening to sugar coated lies
Gray haze following you through
Heart creating lies from mind’s truths
Every heart break leads
To heart hardening
Anger numbing pain
Until it fades away to bitterness
When you imagine nothing good will ever come again
Coz life’s dealt you a shit hand
And you found that for all you gave
Nothing was received
i dream when i sleep, i never want to dream again.
the man laughed at me.
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