Wow.. May 30th.. already.. Craziness!! It's been over a month since I've posted and it's only because life just picked up and started running and I've been trying to keep up. SPOP has definately been taking up my time and the REACH project was too for awhile. But it turned out really really cool!! For those of you who came to see it, I really appreciate it because we worked really hard on it. I think we were all pretty proud of the exhibit. Let's see.. we'll play catch up with Vicki's life.. not that it's terribly exciting or anything. I'm getting closer to preparing stuff for England.. scary!! But I'm incredibly excited too, a new environment, new people, new types of stress.. yeah.. what can beat that.. ahhhhhh. I know next year will be up and down for sure, so make sure you write to me out there!! OR EVEN BETTER.. COME VISIT!! Yeah we'll go play in Europe.. come on.. you know you want too! So start saving up the money and vacation time so you can come visit me.

Let's see what else.. well duh.. SPOP. I have to say that my discussion group.. PEPPERONI NIPPLES!! are the best discussion group ever! You all are absolutely amazing and incredible and wonderful and I truly, honestly do love you all. We've still got the summer to go, I know SPOP can be kind of fun, intense, draining and crazy at the same time so if you ever need anyone to just chill with/talk with.. whatever I'm here for you (that goes out to all SPOP staffers)! Arrowhead was absolutely crazy!! Yeeeaahhh I hope everyone had a good time, I for sure did.. even though I did stress out a little.. it's the whole Asian mom thing. :) I'm only happy when other people are happy and I'm feeding people. hahaha.. so yeah you want dinner cooked for you.. just come to me, b/c most likely I'll do it. There's something about food that brings people together.. well that and alcohol I guess too. But alcohol isn't all that there is.. sober fun is possible. :D Trust me.. I know!! And for all the other people I still haven't gotten to know as well.. I look forward to it. :) So come chat me up or just chill w/ me.

Um... yeah so I think that's about it. still no boys.. well actually lots and lots of boys.. sorry I mean guys.. but you know how it goes.. smurfette syndrome, but damn if i don't appreciate all the guys in my life and all the girls. *muah*!

I think being sad has a lot to do with the way you see life. Therefore my theory is you can make yourself sad. Not that being sad is a bad thing, we need to be sad sometimes. But anyway, this is how I came upon this. Yesterday (i think it was yesterday) I had remembered something that made me sort of sad and I was going to write about it later, but today, I've forgotten what it was. All I remember is feeling somewhat sad yesterday over something, but since I've forgotten it I'm happy right now :) And that's even better! I sat here and tried to remember it when it dawned on me: why sit here and try to remember something sad, if you've forgotten about it, don't try to remember it. Stay with the happy feeling.

It amazes me how much people can change is such a sort time. It makes me wonder if that's who they were all along and it was waiting to come out, or if people develop completely new personalities... maybe it's a mixture of both. I can not deny my past and I wouldn't want to, I was who I was and it made me who I am today. There's still that big hopeless romantic geek inside of me and there always will be. I was just thinking about how I've grown closer to some people and apart from others and it's funny. I remember when I started out somewhat friends with this one guy and then he started to annoy me and was a bit of drama because our beliefs often clashed and yet all along we both want the same thing and understand each other a lot more than we think we did... and now we're better friends than ever. Sure our beliefs still aren't the same but at the same time he can understand what I want in love so completely.. and yes our relationship is platonic. :) but yeah he came over the other day and played me a song that made him think of me and I really appreciated it. I was just listening to it and yeaup I've come to that place in life where "I wanna always feel like part of this was mine. I wanna fall in love tonight." -(Jimmy Eat World "A Praise Chorus"). Thanks Eric.

WOW.. April!
I can't believe it. I spent Spring Break is SPAIN! It was absolutely amazing and beautiful there! The people were so friendly and the architechture was gorgeous. I was getting cranky at LAX though. I got there at 2pm, my flight was supposed to leave at 6:25.. we didn't leave until 11:00pm. There was something wrong with the AC which is supposed to keep us alive and give us air.. so yeah a good part to have working. Anyway, missed my flight in London, caught another and finally got to Madrid at 10:35 their time. That was a little over 24 hours of travel time for me. UGH. But it was wonderful to land and see Priya sitting on the railing like a little kid hehe.. she got stuck and almost fell off it. We went to Sheetal's place and had this really really yummy dinner cooked by her roommate. We left for Granada the next day and partied there, went out to bars and stuff. We shopped a little, had delicious falafel, tea, listened to some flamanco music. We also saw La Alhambra, this beautiful Mosque there, I've got pictures. It used to be a palace and it's just beautiful, the buildings are so delicate looking, w/ a lot of arch work and ponds, fountains and windows. Then we took a bus to Sevilla.. not knowing where we were going to stay that night, luckily at the bus station we found a guy who was renting out rooms. So we ended up staying with this sweet, cute old woman in her apartment. Sevilla is gorgeous too! We saw Plaza's (the Plaza d'Espagne is amazing!), churches, and processions.. lots of processions. It was Holy Week (semana santa) over there. There are these people wearing KKK looking outfits to hide their identity from all but God, for being penitent. There are hundreds that march ahead of this platform with a statue of the virgin mary crying and candles on it and a band behind it. This goes all all day from early afternoon to early morning.. like 12 hours a day for the whole week. Beautiful though. Again more bars, clubs, tapas mmmm. Then we went to Madrid and Sheetal showed us around, we went to some cool bars and a hip hop club and went shopping a bit and enjoyed Spain. So yeah, quite amazing.

I totally felt refreshed to come home. Probably because I was excited for the new quarter too! There's SPOP and friends and the summer to look forward to before I leave next year.. that's scary to think about. But right now life is GOOD.. and i'm going to enjoying it. There's no drama in my life as of yet, I know some will find it's way in later, but right now everything's good. :)

I'm contemplating cleaning my bathroom right now, the toilet and the shower could use a good scrubbing.. why am i contemplating this? Well finals are next week and this 8 page paper is going no where despite the fact that the topic is something I'm really interested in. I'm not too worried about the two other finals that I do have, because I've been pretty much on top of the reading (snoozing away on the books.. haha j/k) and I've been going to lectures (despite the fact that one of the teachers has to be one of the most boring women on earth, cheesy as hell (that's a good thing), but she's really into the topic so it was nice to see the enthusiam.. didn't save lecture though. So yeah.. in case you can't tell I'm procrastinating now. My paper is somewhere floating around behind this window I'll get to it later. Anyways, speaking of school, the other day I was at my friend Dustin's place with two other of my friends and we all got to talking, seriously talking about issues today. It was strange, but nice to actually have intellectual conversations.. I remember a time in high school when the conversation was dominated by the topic of boys and perhaps what we were going to do that weekend, occasionally school. Not saying I don't talk about that stuff now, I do, but intermixed into it now are conversations on diversity, LGBT issues, women's issues, politics, religion and more.. I guess it is a sign that we're growing up. Somewhat scary and at the same time exciting.. knowing you do have power in knowledge.

By the way congratulations to those who made SPOP staff this year! :) We're going to have fun. And to those who didn't make it, there's a reason for why things happen, if you can try out again because I know there's a lot of dope ass people that should be on staff who may not be this year. Okay.. I guess I'll take a look at the paper again.. wheeee... good luck on finals everyone.

i came to the conclusion today that i'm jealous.. jealous of the people who go out there and get fucked up on alcohol and have such a raging good time. it's not so much as i'm jealous that i can't, because my weak sauce ass can't handle the alcohol.. i'm jealous because once a person is slightly faded, or even drinking they're part of a group. a group that i'm often left out of because they look at me and go.. oh you're sober.. and don't talk to me as much. i'm not sure if it's because they think they're going to do something stupid or look stupid in front of me, or what. but then again there are those people who i can hang around and who when they drink and i'm still sober we still have an awesome time! those are usually my good friends, the ones that don't pressure me to do anything and don't care how stupid they look in front of me.. and i have to love them for that. but yeah. it just sucks sometimes because i've had people look at me and say "HOW DO YOU HAVE FUN SOBER?!" i just do. if you're a cool bunch of people i'm going to have fun no matter what, it's all about who you're comfortable with. doesn't mean i don't drink.. i do sometimes.. i just have to really be in the mood for it and with good people. i can see why people have more fun faded.. cuz your inhibitions go down and the world softens and gets warmer and "nicer".. as long as you're not on the edge of getting sick.. believe i know all the aspects of drinking.. probably because i have a knack for going through every stage in about two hours if you get a shot into me.. haha but please try and understand that there's sober fun too. alcohol is only a drink.. and if that's all i had to rely on to have fun.. my life would seem somewhat empty.. anyway.. that's how i feel.. to each man his own. :) i'll just be in the corner w/ a few good friends.

so this little thing happened to me today, it was so small.. like a 'hello' but it totally made my day!! and i got to carry that with me for the rest of the day and it just made me feel good all over. funny how such a little thing, a little word or action can make such a HUGE difference in someone's life. so do some little nice thing, it might just make someone's day a lot brighter and sweeter.

*cough cough cough cough cough hack cough gasp for breath cough cough cough* yeah so that's pretty much how it's going right now. the weekend before you can add a really runny and stuffy nose to that too. *cough cough* i think my lung is around here somewhere and my throat too.. darn it. oi. i need to get better FAST because this sickness is totally slowing me down! i don't feel like doing anything, studying, working out, nothing.. ugh.

so i have this dream where i'm with this guy and we're haning out and i think we get together and it's all peaches and cream and then he turns to me and i hear him so clearly say to me "i love you", i can't remember if i said something to him.. it might have been "thank you" but it was strange.. because this situation would probably never ever happen in real life because i don't know him that well. i wonder what it means.. hmmm but it left me with a strange feeling when i woke up, and i tried to remember if anyone (who wasn't a friend or family member) ever said that to me outloud..

okay so most guys think girls are drama right? i'd have to agree with that, we are, well we can be. but it isn't completely our fault alone, guys have to take some of the blame too. my friend was telling me about the drama she's having with her ex boyfriend.. how it still seems unclear where they stand. and then he does something that confuses her even more and when she straight up asks him what's going on he says that he did it because he thought she wanted it. that's what i'm talking about, mixed signals. boys! there are appropriate times to do stuff when you think its what we want, but if you're the ex.. then don't do it at all! it's only going to confuse us, and i have to tell you, if you haven't already noticed, females will nit pick and over analyze everything guys say and do (well most girls, i can't speak for all women). so this is to all people: say what you mean and mean what you say, same goes for actions.. i promise that i'm working on not over analyzing things and maybe learn to be a little braver while i'm at it.. can't let guys do all the work now can i? ;)

i'm waiting for my roommate to get out of the shower right now so we can grab some lunch and go to school to pick some stuff up.. so i thought i'd write a bit before heading out. it's so warm here!! high 80's, feels like low 90's almost, it's wonderful. i'm in my bikini and plan to kick it on the beach and boardwalk today.. which is right outside my house. :D muwahahahaha.. awww yeah. i'm a summer baby which is probably why i love warm weather more than cold... so then why the heck am i going to england next year to study!! where summer weather requires a long sleeved shirt still!! yeah.. i got accepted to the university of sussex.. i have to admit i'm excited, but i know i'm going to be incredibly homesick too.. so you lovely friends of mine out there, save up your cash and vacation days and come see me! please!! i'm going to be so lonely :( hahaha hopefully not.. i'd like to think i can make friends anywhere i go.. well we'll see next year. okay i'm off for now. peace out and have a great day!

i find it strange, that no matter how much i have changed over the years.. i'm still really the same person.. deep down inside i haven't changed that much. i still see me in everything i do and feel...

it's really nice to know that someone out there is listening, :) especially when it's a friend (thanks Ameer!).

funny, just to read comments can brighten my day. i guess it really is the little things... just to know someone is listening.

in one of my really sad periods.. a friend once told me that time would heal everything and that slowly i would start to forget the saddness and hurt until one day i'll be doing something and i'll remember that sad period and think "huh.. haven't thought of that in awhile" and it will just leave me with a memory of an ache.. and that's it.. he was right.

argh! so my DSL keeps having issues with itself or something, I don't know what. But it'll continually log me off repeatedly!! darn stupid thing... *sigh* at least I'm thankful I have it :) as much as I do complaing about it.

i signed up with YACCS so you guys can now comment.. let's hope this works.

it's scary how vulnerable we can become as people.. just by caring about another person.

OMG.. ANY PREDOMINATELY HETEROSEXUAL FEMALE WHO HAS EVER HAD HER HEART BROKEN MUST WATCH.. "SOMEONE LIKE YOU".

my roommate has been trying to get me to watch this movie.. which she first thought was titled "hanging on".. but it turned out it was "someone like you".. and it is totally one of those movies where if you have ever had your heart broken you totally can relate. well most of us heart broken, over analytical females can..

anyway so i started thinking.. remember actually.. a time when i trusted someone with everything i had, because i wanted to. trust is such a small word that carries with is a meaning we cannot even begin to understand the effects that it has upon us and how deeply it weaves into our lives. to break that bond is one of the most hurtful and painful things that can happen to a person. a broken trust isn't so easily healed and it affects every interpersonal relationship that comes after it. i didn't begin to understand this word until i experienced it myself.. and it cut so deep it's still has a strong grip on how i see things now.

when it first happened i remember being so fiercely angry and so desperately sad all at the same time. i wanted to understand why this had happened to me, was it because all men are bastards, assholes, and jerks? ...no... well yes.. at first that's what i kept thinking, no man could do right ever, not ever again, they would just screw up some how and i think that's when i started to get even picker about guys then i already was, or maybe i've always been picky (there's theory developing for that one too).. but i realized it wasn't about guys (thanks to my male roommates who made me realize some things).. it was about me. I'm the one in control of how I think and how I feel.. no doubt I still will have trouble trusting men, but at least i'm walking in an upward direction now and not down. So "no" not all guys are like that, granted sometimes even good guys screw up (i've learned that the hard way). Honestly.. i think most of them want the same thing we all want in the end.. (or beginning, depending on how you look at it). We just want someone to love us for who we are inside and think that we are the most beautiful thing (even if we look like shit). It's that loving a person on the inside that makes them beautiful to you no matter what. When you look at someone and think "God.. I love that person because" of something they do, who they are, what they look like in YOUR eyes, it feels so amazing and to know that you're being looked at like that too.. I'd like to believe that someone out there looked at me like that once and maybe i'll find it again someday.. i say maybe because it's still too hard to say when. but i guess that's why no one can ever really explain love ... because it is that amazing and wonderful.




i would end it there.. seems like a good place to end it, but nothing ever truly ends.. and if you noticed my thoughts tend to run all over the place. and here i'm trying to write as i think, so too bad for you (sorry if it does get hard to read.. but hey you asked for me and you got me). so anyway, back to this love thing.. over the past few years i've learned a lot about love and i have no doubt there's more learning involved in my lifetime. loving your friends can be just as amazing, it's like a small part of loving a significant other... and it helps.. when you have friends who do love you for who you are and you can see it when they look at you and show you.. i guess they help keep my faith in love alive.. because if i can love them, i can love again and be loved in return. life's not always about dark cynical experiences, it's about how you get out of them and make them something new and alive and beautiful..

Happy Valentine's Day!

.. so since i have never had a valentine, for valentine's day i figured i'd take this day to celebrate loving people in general.. afterall love is love. so a big THANK YOU (which i know will never be enough) to those people out there who have touched my life, and loved me so unselfishly and with everything they had just because i was me.. i know i have been truly blessed because there have been a lot of those people in my life.. i love you!

sometimes it's hard to accept something for what it is, and not what you want it to be.