lately some people have been telling me wise things, things I forget sometimes and should remember.

so this is so I don't forget:

1) "I know I can't change the world, but at least I can speak up for what I believe in." Thanks Daniel.

2) "Love shouldn't be work." Thanks Todd.

either way I'll probably forget when emotions start getting the best of me again, but hopefully a little voice will kick in and make me remember, emotions don't always make the best decisions in life.. unfortunately.. yet I wouldn't want to live without them. :) would you know what happiness was if you didn't know sadness?

okay so something weird is going on with my blogger and some posts ended up posting twice.. not sure why.

okay those of you who know me well know that i don't get angry often, and when i do not for very long..

BUT OH MY GOSH..

I can't stand it when people think I'm trying to be politically correct by not saying "that's so gay" or telling others not to say it.

SO DON'T FUCKING TELL ME I'M TRYING TO BE PC DAMMIT! it's not about that, how would you like it if someone used your race in a negative way, or your identity, or your name! It's about HURTING someone, about making them feel like shit, like their identity means nothing. think about if for a minute..

It's not about being PC anymore with me.. it's the fact that it hurts me, I may not be gay, lesbian, or bisexual.. but I have friends who are and I can understand how they hurt. I've felt hurt of a different kind which relates to someone badmouthing a part of who I am. Sure you may be "cool" with gay people, but if you still say it, you're telling other people it's okay to say it. Not everyone knows what you know. I understand that it's hard to judge when to draw the line, but damn.. remember a time someone hurt you by something they said.. it's the same thing. there's other slang to use out there, slang that doesn't require using someone's identity.

okay i'm done.. for now.

afterthought that become the forethought: mmm ramblings of the mind that come in a storm.. confusing perhaps to you.. to me it makes some sort of sense.. like an emotion, you can't explain it, it would only come out as jumble, mixed up phrases.. but you FEEL it..

anyway here goes:

jadeheart.. the name i so often use online, it came from my chinese name and developed into jadeheart.. but people often asked me why i was jaded so young. i used to deny that i was jaded.. but i came to the conclusion this weekend that i really am jaded in a way. not in all aspects of life, but the more i learn the more cynical i have become and the harder it becomes to just be 'nice' in this world. nothing is so nice anymore, nothing is so wonderful. there's pain and suffering all over the place and struggles taking place within everyone.

i knew a fairy tale was just that.. a tale, make believe.. but part of me wants to believe that some kind of fantasy still exists that there might be a bit of magic left in the world.. but everything i learn keeps denying it and showing me that perhaps the only magic one has is what we create on our own. but it's too much of a struggle.. to make magic on my own and no fun at that.. and i'm afraid if i keep looking for that dreamer with a little bit of magic to walk into my life it will never happen. i think it's time i came to grips with reality, but reality hurts and i want to turn back into that self centered fairy tale world. where i'm the princess and there's the prince and the world is right, where people love each other for who they are and there's no pain and struggle with society and what it wants us to do..

so i suppose my heart still believes there will be a bit of magic left in the world.. somewhere. i feel it every so often. but we still become selfish, in the fact that everything we do or anticipate is supposed to make our lives better somehow.. we forget the present.. and that's where i think the magic still may be..

so aptly named jadeheart.

i know i have so much, almost everything.. i'm safe, i have a loving family, loving friends, i'm so extremely lucky to not have to worry about my life, about food, or shelter or money. i know i can make it out there in the world "alone" if i had too.. i have been so blessed by everything and i know i take things for granted and i try to remind myself not too, everyday i know i should wake up happy just because i woke up in a warm bed.

i know there's something inside of me that doesn't trust guys, i'm not sure where it came from or how deep it runs.. i know i have been raised in a society where certain ideals are placed into my head.. i know that not everything is evil or bad.. i know that discrimination and oppression still exists.. i know the way i see things are always in conflict.. i know my identity is always changing and a struggle between emotional, physical, and psychological desires.. i know i want to cry, laugh, scream, fight, hit, make love to, fly, run, hug, hold, caress, love, hate, touch, kiss, etc.. the world, society, you, me, the earth, the sky, the water, the sun, moon, stars.. space.

i want to sit atop a cliff and touch the sky, kiss the stars, and weep upon the earth. i want to release my soul and let it fly above this earthly body.

i'm trapped, trying to make sense of myself and the world around me..

..trying to understand the thoughts that write lines into my hands..

..trying to understand the deep, complicated, simple meanings behind love and hate..

i miss you

okay so again i'm supposed to be doing my german politics paper... i have one paragraph.. the opening paragraph. all it's actually missing is the thesis.. ha! the most important part and i'm stalling. i don't know why, i like the class it's interesting. you wouldn't believe all the shit Germany has been through and the political drama its endured.. it's amazing! in such a short period of time that country has gone to hell and back and then through it all again. anyway, my teacher wants us to write about the unification of germany and the aftermath it has on a social group.. i was going to do blue-collar workers.. i actually did a whole page.. but i kept coming upon interesting stuff about women (which is what i originally wanted to write about, but couldn't find anything on in my textbooks.. but now i have) so i scrapped that one and started anew.. i can't believe it either.. i had a whole page on the other one done and now just a paragraph and i've been "working" on this for 2 hours. i don't have the motivation for it, i don't think i can finish it. but i have to.. damn it.and my coughing isn't helping and now i think my eyesite is going funny. *sigh* yeah i'm complaining again. i do a lot of it, i shouldn't.. i have so much.

i was all depressed last night, because i missed having someone in my life and i wanted to have someone hold me while i fell asleep in my freezing cold ass bed. but the more i thought about it (my whining) the more i realized how lucky i was.. i have a bed to sleep in and it happens to be a big one, with a fluffy down comforter, in a room that's all mine... in a flat (that's what an apartment in a two floored house is called) i share with three people who really really care about me in a house so close to the beach i hear it at night and wake up to it in the morning.. in that house is a garage housing a car my parents bought me (yes spoiled brat that i am) as an early graduation gift, a car that most people dream about having, a car that takes me to a university where i have more friends and fun times and i have the privilege of taking classes and earning a degree so that i can get a good job and earn a higher standard of living..

..suddenly my bed felt really warm and cozy as i fell asleep feeling safe..

then i woke up a few hours later and threw up cuz i was sick, but hey.. it's not so bad if that's the least of my worries :)

*sigh* it's 1:45 on a Saturday morning. I had no class on Friday, slept 12 hours, finally actually slept without coughing and waking myself up the whole time.. thanks for the Contact Beat it knocked me out. Got up, made some food was all ready to study, got food coma, took a nap from 2:45-4:45.. got up and did nothing. I was so lazy I can't believe it, but I couldn't focus on writing my two papers which are due Monday. All I did was whine (yes I know I'm whining now.. get over it) and bum around. oh well.. I'm sick.. I'm allowed it. :) I'll get the papers done, I'm sure of it, I usually do. That's what tomorrow nite and Sunday is for. Okay enough whining out of me.

The RA's are having a reunion tomorrow. I didn't realize how much I missed them and I missed having someone to talk to. It's like out of sight, out of mind.. sucks. It shouldn't be that way and I'm going to work harder to call them up just to talk. But sometimes my life feels so boring, but I miss them and their voices and their hugs. Especially the hugs :) and the way they made me smile just when I saw them. The amazing moments in life have to pass you by, but you'll always remember them, because they get you in the heart and soul and they won't leave. That's great. Makes me feel better knowing someone out there is thinking about me once in awhile and smiling.. *MUAH* love was redefined for me last year and it couldn't have come at a better time. it seems every year i grow stronger and change and flow and realize more about who i am and who i will be.

i don't believe a person stays the same throughout their whole life, they change, sure there's a base to start with.. but with every experience there comes change.. sometimes it's not so good.. i've see that.. and sometimes it's wonderful and that's great too.. hopefully in the end people realize what means the most to them and don't let it go.

life's short, we can't forget the past, ignore the future, or lose the present.. it's almost a war between time. but things work themselves out, they always do. just respect yourself, and the world around you... remember you're not the center of the universe, everythings a relationship.

mm ok, so i'm still at home. it was fun this time, things seem to be better on the home front, which is nice. i never realized how affected i was by how things are at home. but as most of you know if it isn't one thing it's another and i'm usually running off to somewhere for one reason or another.. haha.. makes me wonder where the hell i'm going to end up later in life, but hey i figure i'll eventually get to where i'm going. after all i'm smart and usually confident despite one identity discomforature or another.. mm that's it for now. got a bunch of thoughts lodged up in the brain, but they're not wanting to come out yet. so yeah

happy thanksgiving weekend everybody.

It's hard, to see what the media portrays to us. Then to see pictures such as these http://www.dqc.org/~ben/index.htm that show the cruelty of war. I'm taking a sociology class on collective behaviors and the social movments of the 60's and sort of sad to see the state of our society today. There no longer seems a need to anyone to fight for a cause anymore. There seems to be this lack of passion in the world, even in my part, because many of us have stopped caring.. or just don't have the energy to bring people out. I find myself riding the middle of the fence a lot, not really leaning one way or the other and it scares me to make a decision sometimes, because I don't feel like I know enough about what's going on. All I can offer you is what I do know and what I think now, but that may change later, so don't quote me on it as being a solid truth.

I believe in peace, I hate war and I don't think anyone wins a war but everyone loses. It seems to me an institution that continues to oppress people and keep the dominant culture dominant. Two dominant powers fighting each other with threats and words.. the actual blood shed and lives lost is done by the innocent people who don't often realize what exactly is going on. You stir up enough passion in a person and make them believe in something they'll go out and fight for it. But I think sometimes when you step back and see the whole picture and try to understand both sides, it takes away the passion and then like Eldridge Cleavers says in his book Soul on Ice "the war is only half hearted.. and who wants to fight a half hearted war".

sorry if these thoughts seem a bit scattered to you, I write them as they come, and sometimes the fingers aren't fast enough to catch them all. I'll fix it later.. maybe.

mind is swirling with thoughts once again..

"they" say be yourself, find your identity, realize who you are and embrace it, some say that your identity is always changing and should be because new information is acquired. how does identity come about anyway? is it already predetermined because of the way you were raised, where you grew up, who you've talked to?

it's insane, this idea of truly finding yourself.. you'll never find it, it's too deep.

all you can do is be it.

mood: feeling like a song.

Drive- Bic Runga

I know it's late now I know I
Ought to go
Ride in your car now
But please don't drop me home
My head's so heavy
Could
This be all a dream
Promise me
Maybes and say things
You don't mean
Rain fall from concrete colored skies
No boy don't speak now
You just drive
Drive
Drive
Take me through make me feel alive
Alive
When I ride with you
Keep my heart turning on
Axles around you
Keep our love burning just
Like it used to do
Now just for us
They could
Play our favourite tune
Let's not discuss
All these
Things we can't undo
Let rain fall from concrete coloured skies
No boy don't speak now
You just drive
Drive
Drive
Speed me through
Make me feel alive
Alive
When I ride with you
Rain fall from concrete coloured skies
No boy don't speak now
You just drive

..too late

i want to write and write and write, there's so much on my mind and then i sort of want to meditate to get this all out of my head or maybe vice versa.. i wish i could just concentrate on the now, the present and live in it.. but it seems like my mind only goes to the future. my parents complain that i tend to forget things and get distracted easily.. it's only because i'm constantly thinking about what i need to do, what i want to do, what they want me to do, that i stop looking at what's going on right now in the present.. i have this feeling i'm missing out on something.

so.. what's new in the life of vicki?

well mostly nothing.. been thinking a lot about the risks I take, the struggles or perhaps lack there of that i've been through, etc, etc.. the normally deep penetrating thoughts. I came across some things of my past and I read some of it again, it was scary that I had been in a place like that before and it makes me wonder if I could slip back into it sometimes... also been thinking about what I want to change about myself, how there are things about me I don't quite like, not so much physical anymore, more phsychological, spiritual, emotional... been thinking about how I'm single too, I should stop thinking about that..

I'm applying to go to England next year, to study there for a year, I think it will be good for me. I have this urge to travel now, I want to buy a backpack and go backpacking throughout Europe, learn to do things on my own.. grow up a little bit more. I moved from one bubble to another and sometimes don't feel like I have enough information to even be who I am or want to be.

so yeah.. that's what's new.

Sometimes it feels like people no longer do things for the fun of it, we're always so preoccupied with how something is going to benefit us, how it's going to help us and we keep concentrating on what we can learn or gain from it.. we stop becoming aware of what's around us. We don't see things for the pure beauty and experience of it anymore, there's always this cloud of "what can I take away from this" always in the air. True, you want to gain experience and learn things from everything you do, but I don't think it needs to be a constant thought in your head, because then you might miss something. Just take it for what it is, you'll learn either way and it will become a part of you.

So my new place is freaking awesome, I love it here. And my roommates.. omg.. make me laugh until it hurts and tears are coming out of my eyes. I hope it'll be fun like this all year long.. maybe not too fun.. I still need to study.. yay school!

Okay.. so it's been awhile since I've last posted. School's started, I've moved into my new place... BY THE BEACH!!! hehehe Okay I had to rub it in, it's beautiful here. Alrighty, gonna keep it short, until I have something good to write.

I used to sit and wonder
Would I ever be happy
Life was so bittersweet
So many disapointments
Too many ups and downs for me
When you live a nightmare
It's hard to dream

But sometimes life just isn't fair
So why complain nobody cares
And I don't wanna waste nobody's time
So I'm

I'm about to change my vibe
Today the sun's gonna shine
'cause I made up my mind
That today will be the start of better days
Leavin' old shit behind
And move on with my life
The blindfold's off my eyes
And now all I see for me is better days

Affraid of my reflection
Tell me that's not me I see
That's who I wanna be
Stuck somewhere in the middle
On half full or half empty
Waiting for somebody to come and rescue me

Can't let that petty attitude
Start to jade my point of view
Only thing that does is bring me down
So I'm

I'm about to change my vibe
Today the sun's gonna shine
'cause I made up my mind
That today will be the start of better days
Leavin' old shit behind
And move on with my life
The blindfold's off my eyes
And now all I see for me is better days

Hurt so many times before
I use to cry but no more
Just let it go and life can feel
So good
Stop living that blues

Can't let that petty attitude
Start to jade my point of view
Only thing it does is bring me down
So I'm

I'm about to change my vibe
Today the sun's gonna shine
'cause I made up my mind
That today will be the start of better days
Leavin' old shit behind
And move on with my life
The blindfold's off my eyes
And now all I see for me is better days

I'm about to change my vibe
Today the sun's gonna shine
'cause I made up my mind
That today will be the start of better days
Leavin' old shit behind
And move on with my life
The blindfold's off my eyes
And now all I see for me is better days

Better Days-Janet Jackson

you know those trucks that carry the crates of chickens.. i was thinking, how they're all stacked up on top of each other in rows.. and how much it would suck to be the chickens on the very bottom.. because in a long truck ride you're gonna need to go to the bathroom sometime.

part of me wants to just ignore it, forget it, because it's so awful.. but I can't. It's there, it happened and I feel like I can see the explosion and the building collapse before my eyes.. imagining what it was like for the people dying. A complete act of hate and all I can do is pray, but it doesn't seem like it's enough. I keep going about my day and it will start to feel normal and then I remember, it won't ever be normal again. Once you feel something it's there forever, you can push it away and try to forget it, but it doesn't make it go away.. you felt it, now you know.

This will never go away. Remember it.