Saturday, January 31, 2004
good days
I'm sure you've heard about those people who are sick or have a psychological disorder or something like that and they always say.. today's a good day or today's a bad day in relation to their 'illness'.
For me today was a good day.
I woke up feeling rested and took a nice long hot shower to wash last night's going out 'grime' off myself. Got dressed in my comfy clothes and took off to meet Jessica to feed the ducks at the park. (I never knew this.. but feeding ducks is actually extremely harmful to them.. we did it anyway, altho I'm never going to do it again. Feeding Water Fowl) It was really nice, Jess and I hung out a lot in middle school and I've known her all throughout high school. We kicked it in the same group of friends and I could always be super silly with her, it was great. We grew apart in college though and after my mom passed away we managed to reconnect. It was cool to just catch up while walking circles around the park and start rebuilding our friendship. Time has definitely changed the both of us and we see more eye to eye now.
I've noticed a lot of change in our high school friends over the years and it's strange to know that we probably all wouldn't be friends now if it hadn't been for our long history together. We're so different from one another, but it's great. I love how it's opening my eyes to see who they really are and it definitely makes me appreciate them way more than I ever have. I'm glad we have our childhood history to keep us together, because it makes them all the more special to me. I'm starting to see them through my 'college' eyes. The one that looks more critically at events and situations and sees the strength and compassion and wit that lives inside each of them. We've gone through a lot and I love learning what their opinions are of issues we never discussed in high school.
Fuzz has definitely been a strong support recently and I really love and appreciate the fact that he's like this big fuzzy bear that I can lean against when I'm lost. He's always willing to listen and he can definitely empathize with me. And then there's Jen, she always means well but lately I just haven't got the strength to deal with her iffyness and whining, but I still love her. She does the best she can to cheer me up and it's just nice to know that she's always there for me no matter what. And Jane, God I love that girl and I can't wait for her to come home!! It's been a long time and I miss having her around, she's just all around great and one of the few friends that understands a lot about the high school me. And then there's Virginia too, lately I've just come to appreciate her more and more. It all started with a snowboard trip to tahoe and it felt really comfortable to kick it w/ her and Loi and just have things feel normal. She's studying up in Vallejo so I don't see her much, but I think one of these weekends I'll hafta go up and see her just for fun.
Even with my ex I see new things in him that I had never noticed before and it makes me glad that we've managed to stay friends. Although for a long while it was rough for me and we actually didn't talk much at all in the last four and a half years, but with the past becoming a fading memory it's nice to be able to kick it with him once in awhile. He's one of the few whom I'm comfortable enough to be almost completely honest with. Some 'lies' still slip from my mouth to protect my own ego, altho i usually regret it later.
It's hard when you've trained yourself to protect your own heart that sometimes the truth becomes a half truth so you don't have to face pain.
I spent so much time running away from this place because it caused me so much pain and it was the greatest pain of all that brough me back. Perhaps this is my time to make it mine again, this is going to be difficult because my heart yearns to be away, off, it calls to the beach and the sun and So Cal and England, as much as it loves Nor Cal. Things have changed and it's hard to find rest, but I'm going to try.
Anyway today was a good day.
I'm sure you've heard about those people who are sick or have a psychological disorder or something like that and they always say.. today's a good day or today's a bad day in relation to their 'illness'.
For me today was a good day.
I woke up feeling rested and took a nice long hot shower to wash last night's going out 'grime' off myself. Got dressed in my comfy clothes and took off to meet Jessica to feed the ducks at the park. (I never knew this.. but feeding ducks is actually extremely harmful to them.. we did it anyway, altho I'm never going to do it again. Feeding Water Fowl) It was really nice, Jess and I hung out a lot in middle school and I've known her all throughout high school. We kicked it in the same group of friends and I could always be super silly with her, it was great. We grew apart in college though and after my mom passed away we managed to reconnect. It was cool to just catch up while walking circles around the park and start rebuilding our friendship. Time has definitely changed the both of us and we see more eye to eye now.
I've noticed a lot of change in our high school friends over the years and it's strange to know that we probably all wouldn't be friends now if it hadn't been for our long history together. We're so different from one another, but it's great. I love how it's opening my eyes to see who they really are and it definitely makes me appreciate them way more than I ever have. I'm glad we have our childhood history to keep us together, because it makes them all the more special to me. I'm starting to see them through my 'college' eyes. The one that looks more critically at events and situations and sees the strength and compassion and wit that lives inside each of them. We've gone through a lot and I love learning what their opinions are of issues we never discussed in high school.
Fuzz has definitely been a strong support recently and I really love and appreciate the fact that he's like this big fuzzy bear that I can lean against when I'm lost. He's always willing to listen and he can definitely empathize with me. And then there's Jen, she always means well but lately I just haven't got the strength to deal with her iffyness and whining, but I still love her. She does the best she can to cheer me up and it's just nice to know that she's always there for me no matter what. And Jane, God I love that girl and I can't wait for her to come home!! It's been a long time and I miss having her around, she's just all around great and one of the few friends that understands a lot about the high school me. And then there's Virginia too, lately I've just come to appreciate her more and more. It all started with a snowboard trip to tahoe and it felt really comfortable to kick it w/ her and Loi and just have things feel normal. She's studying up in Vallejo so I don't see her much, but I think one of these weekends I'll hafta go up and see her just for fun.
Even with my ex I see new things in him that I had never noticed before and it makes me glad that we've managed to stay friends. Although for a long while it was rough for me and we actually didn't talk much at all in the last four and a half years, but with the past becoming a fading memory it's nice to be able to kick it with him once in awhile. He's one of the few whom I'm comfortable enough to be almost completely honest with. Some 'lies' still slip from my mouth to protect my own ego, altho i usually regret it later.
It's hard when you've trained yourself to protect your own heart that sometimes the truth becomes a half truth so you don't have to face pain.
I spent so much time running away from this place because it caused me so much pain and it was the greatest pain of all that brough me back. Perhaps this is my time to make it mine again, this is going to be difficult because my heart yearns to be away, off, it calls to the beach and the sun and So Cal and England, as much as it loves Nor Cal. Things have changed and it's hard to find rest, but I'm going to try.
Anyway today was a good day.
Saturday, January 24, 2004
the dark place
I've been there, that dark place where in the midst of people you feel completely alone and it seemed silly back then, but I grew out of it. I found confidence in myself and a niche where I flourished.. then my heart was broken (repeatedly) and I found myself slipping into that dark place again.. so easily over and over.. I began to wonder if perhaps one can never truly leave that darkness... and lo and behold I climbed out of it again.
I found love in my friends and joy in life and things were good. I was having fun and exploring the world and myself.. yet part of me still knew what alone was. I can't forget alone, it's like carrying a little bit of that darkness with me everywhere I go.. and along side of that darkness is my little ray of hope that someone will save me from all of this.
But then my world decided to come crashing down on me again, in a way I never realized was possibly. You never EVER truly understand someone's pain unless you experience what they've experienced. To imagine pain does not even come close to the actual slamming reality of it.
Anyway.. so I hadn't realized I was falling or losing control until these past two weeks. My defenses that I had put up around my mother's death were slowly crumbling, they were being chipped away and I was slowly losing it. Every little thing bothered me and I wanted to cry all the time and my whole life felt like ash.. it's the best way I can describe it.. ash. Last thursday the frustration of putting my roof rack on my car set me off and I snapped at a friend as she was drunkenly trying to console me.. which only further irritated me and for the first time I shouted the words out loud.. "she's dead and she isn't coming back." I had been bottling up this frustration and anger in me for so long. I remember standing in the hospital as we watched them turn the machines off.. a decision we made as a family.. and wanting to just SCREAM.. NO GOD DAMN IT, IT'S NOT FAIR, DON'T GO, COME BACK DON'T LEAVE US.. and just scream and scream and scream.. I never did.. I still haven't, it's too late for that now.
Then this past weekend everything just tipped over and out. I had gone up to Tahoe for a weekend and little things kept happening that just kept building on each other. I was already feeling vulnerable and then one of my friends wldn't drop a certain issue which added to my already delicate balance of things and then a certain situation including an ex caused a bit of pain to my already broken heart and then one night I have this wacked out dream which I won't describe, but made me feel like throwing up all day the next day.. and then we watch TV and in one show a guy's father ends up in a coma (which gets me thinking) and then the movie afterwards is She's All That, a story about a girl without a father who ends up finding love with a wonderful girl that helps fill the void her mother's passing left.. (hmm.... ).. and that was just it. I slipped into the back room barely holding it all together called my friend Dustin and let the dam break.
But then my ex's friend comes in the room and sees me crying and I think she tells him coz he ends up coming in and the tears are just flowing and all I can think about it how much it hurts without her.. the things I never got to say.. the last time I saw her awake.. the last words she heard me while conscious.. the decision we made to let her not suffer as her last wish was.. watching the doctors turn the machines down slowly.. the monitors levelling out and she was gone.. i watched her die... at the age of 23 I WATCHED her DIE.
It feels like someone had sucked all the life out of me and there's this void that just sits there, sometimes in the pit of my stomach and sometimes in my heart, but it's always there. I just need my heart to be safe right now and it's not and it feels like I carry an open wound around every day. I didn't realize what I had wanted was someone to just hold me while I cried and feel safe again. But the thing is, I've struggled my whole life to be strong, to never show weakness and crying... oh crying used to drive me crazy. There's only certain people I don't mind being weak around and many of them are scattered too far to be physically near me. Strangely enough the person who I long ago hated to be weak in front of the most was the person I was completely weak in front of this weekend... and it felt nice. I think I just needed someone to hold me while I cried, someone I felt safe with... but the hardest part is asking for that.
I've been there, that dark place where in the midst of people you feel completely alone and it seemed silly back then, but I grew out of it. I found confidence in myself and a niche where I flourished.. then my heart was broken (repeatedly) and I found myself slipping into that dark place again.. so easily over and over.. I began to wonder if perhaps one can never truly leave that darkness... and lo and behold I climbed out of it again.
I found love in my friends and joy in life and things were good. I was having fun and exploring the world and myself.. yet part of me still knew what alone was. I can't forget alone, it's like carrying a little bit of that darkness with me everywhere I go.. and along side of that darkness is my little ray of hope that someone will save me from all of this.
But then my world decided to come crashing down on me again, in a way I never realized was possibly. You never EVER truly understand someone's pain unless you experience what they've experienced. To imagine pain does not even come close to the actual slamming reality of it.
Anyway.. so I hadn't realized I was falling or losing control until these past two weeks. My defenses that I had put up around my mother's death were slowly crumbling, they were being chipped away and I was slowly losing it. Every little thing bothered me and I wanted to cry all the time and my whole life felt like ash.. it's the best way I can describe it.. ash. Last thursday the frustration of putting my roof rack on my car set me off and I snapped at a friend as she was drunkenly trying to console me.. which only further irritated me and for the first time I shouted the words out loud.. "she's dead and she isn't coming back." I had been bottling up this frustration and anger in me for so long. I remember standing in the hospital as we watched them turn the machines off.. a decision we made as a family.. and wanting to just SCREAM.. NO GOD DAMN IT, IT'S NOT FAIR, DON'T GO, COME BACK DON'T LEAVE US.. and just scream and scream and scream.. I never did.. I still haven't, it's too late for that now.
Then this past weekend everything just tipped over and out. I had gone up to Tahoe for a weekend and little things kept happening that just kept building on each other. I was already feeling vulnerable and then one of my friends wldn't drop a certain issue which added to my already delicate balance of things and then a certain situation including an ex caused a bit of pain to my already broken heart and then one night I have this wacked out dream which I won't describe, but made me feel like throwing up all day the next day.. and then we watch TV and in one show a guy's father ends up in a coma (which gets me thinking) and then the movie afterwards is She's All That, a story about a girl without a father who ends up finding love with a wonderful girl that helps fill the void her mother's passing left.. (hmm.... ).. and that was just it. I slipped into the back room barely holding it all together called my friend Dustin and let the dam break.
But then my ex's friend comes in the room and sees me crying and I think she tells him coz he ends up coming in and the tears are just flowing and all I can think about it how much it hurts without her.. the things I never got to say.. the last time I saw her awake.. the last words she heard me while conscious.. the decision we made to let her not suffer as her last wish was.. watching the doctors turn the machines down slowly.. the monitors levelling out and she was gone.. i watched her die... at the age of 23 I WATCHED her DIE.
It feels like someone had sucked all the life out of me and there's this void that just sits there, sometimes in the pit of my stomach and sometimes in my heart, but it's always there. I just need my heart to be safe right now and it's not and it feels like I carry an open wound around every day. I didn't realize what I had wanted was someone to just hold me while I cried and feel safe again. But the thing is, I've struggled my whole life to be strong, to never show weakness and crying... oh crying used to drive me crazy. There's only certain people I don't mind being weak around and many of them are scattered too far to be physically near me. Strangely enough the person who I long ago hated to be weak in front of the most was the person I was completely weak in front of this weekend... and it felt nice. I think I just needed someone to hold me while I cried, someone I felt safe with... but the hardest part is asking for that.
Monday, January 12, 2004
falling apart
People tell me they admire me for how strong I am being.
My Christian friends say 'God would not give you something he didn't believe you couldn't handle.'
A buddhist friend is supposed to send me materials and told me that chanting might help me find some peace.
Then why does it feel like I can barely hang on and hold up the walls that keep me sane.. the walls that help keep me moving forward. An action I took this weekend reminded me of how lonely I was. I remember from long ago what it was like to feel safe (or at least to think that I was safe) and how nice it felt to be physically near someone again, to be held. But I unknowingly unleashed upon myself a worse feeling. I was already feeling lonely.. but this was like a colorful reminder of what I haven't had in so long. And it doesn't help in this time of my life when it feels like no one is around. I know people say call if you need me.. but when I'm really in that low spot I want someone to find me.
I want someone to read that subtle, or sometimes not so subtle comment I make and just call or if they're in the area grab me and take me away from here.. even if it's only for an hour. This loneliness eats away at me.. it's like i'm standing at the edge of a cliff and the darkness looks so soft and quiet and peaceful below.
i want to fall apart.. into that soft darkness and know that someone below will catch me and that i can have a moments peace and that they'd watch over me.. just for a moment...
i want to fall apart.
People tell me they admire me for how strong I am being.
My Christian friends say 'God would not give you something he didn't believe you couldn't handle.'
A buddhist friend is supposed to send me materials and told me that chanting might help me find some peace.
Then why does it feel like I can barely hang on and hold up the walls that keep me sane.. the walls that help keep me moving forward. An action I took this weekend reminded me of how lonely I was. I remember from long ago what it was like to feel safe (or at least to think that I was safe) and how nice it felt to be physically near someone again, to be held. But I unknowingly unleashed upon myself a worse feeling. I was already feeling lonely.. but this was like a colorful reminder of what I haven't had in so long. And it doesn't help in this time of my life when it feels like no one is around. I know people say call if you need me.. but when I'm really in that low spot I want someone to find me.
I want someone to read that subtle, or sometimes not so subtle comment I make and just call or if they're in the area grab me and take me away from here.. even if it's only for an hour. This loneliness eats away at me.. it's like i'm standing at the edge of a cliff and the darkness looks so soft and quiet and peaceful below.
i want to fall apart.. into that soft darkness and know that someone below will catch me and that i can have a moments peace and that they'd watch over me.. just for a moment...
i want to fall apart.
Sunday, December 07, 2003
love.. or lack there of..
So, with my mom gone, I've come to realize there's a void in my life. Especially since I've had to move back up to Nor Cal. Don't get me wrong, I love Nor Cal because it's where I grew up. I love my friends that I've made here, they're great. But somehow, things just don't seem to be enough up here anymore. Hardly any of my friends are really around, most of them are seeing people, so it's even harder to get ahold of them and life just isn't the same anymore.
I miss So Cal, I miss having roommates and my own independence and place. I miss having guy friends around!! (Seriously, most of my high school friends are girls.. something you just want to 'dick' around and be stupid and guys are just better at that.. haha).
Anyway, I'm glad my friends have found 'love' in their lives, but I can't help but feel jealous too. They say it hits when you least expect it too.. well shit I'm in trouble then coz I want it and I can't get it out of my head. I read an article off MSN on speed dating which really amused me and then I decided what the heck, nothing to do go look at personals on craigslist. And as I got to reading them.. the lower and lower my confidence dropped.
Which brings me to what I've been thinking lately.. maybe I'm just not cute enough for the guys I want. I know that's stupid, soooo I'm NOT drop dead gorgeous, but hey I'm worth loving for sure!! I guess it's a lot easier to remind yourself of that when you've got lots of friends around to boost your ego for you. And I think without them, I'm having trouble. Especially with all that's happened to me.. I'm running low on love. I know I've got my dad and my brother, but it's not the same. Sometimes you just want to curl next to your friend and feel that love. I don't even know what I want anymore. I think about the qualities I want in a man and it just gets all muddled and confusing because I'm never going to find that!
I'm stuck in a rut and I hate it, but there's really no way out of it. I don't trust random people I meet and let's face it, I'm really not going to meet anyone through my friends at this rate. So basically?.. I just frustrated and annoyed.
I really did have it easy, I had a family who loved me, both my parents, loads of friends around - and now? It just feels like I've been left with next to nothing. My dad is in some ways a 'broken' man without my mother, my brother seems to be bottling things up.. and me? Well.. everyone tells me I'm strong and you know what, I WANT to fall apart and scream and kick and fight and blame someone for all this shit that's happening to me. I want to GIVE UP. I know I'm not without love.. my brain tells me and part of my heart knows.. but it's still really hard coz I just can't feel it anymore.
All I know is that I have this void, and something had better help me fill it.. I can't be this strong forever.
So, with my mom gone, I've come to realize there's a void in my life. Especially since I've had to move back up to Nor Cal. Don't get me wrong, I love Nor Cal because it's where I grew up. I love my friends that I've made here, they're great. But somehow, things just don't seem to be enough up here anymore. Hardly any of my friends are really around, most of them are seeing people, so it's even harder to get ahold of them and life just isn't the same anymore.
I miss So Cal, I miss having roommates and my own independence and place. I miss having guy friends around!! (Seriously, most of my high school friends are girls.. something you just want to 'dick' around and be stupid and guys are just better at that.. haha).
Anyway, I'm glad my friends have found 'love' in their lives, but I can't help but feel jealous too. They say it hits when you least expect it too.. well shit I'm in trouble then coz I want it and I can't get it out of my head. I read an article off MSN on speed dating which really amused me and then I decided what the heck, nothing to do go look at personals on craigslist. And as I got to reading them.. the lower and lower my confidence dropped.
Which brings me to what I've been thinking lately.. maybe I'm just not cute enough for the guys I want. I know that's stupid, soooo I'm NOT drop dead gorgeous, but hey I'm worth loving for sure!! I guess it's a lot easier to remind yourself of that when you've got lots of friends around to boost your ego for you. And I think without them, I'm having trouble. Especially with all that's happened to me.. I'm running low on love. I know I've got my dad and my brother, but it's not the same. Sometimes you just want to curl next to your friend and feel that love. I don't even know what I want anymore. I think about the qualities I want in a man and it just gets all muddled and confusing because I'm never going to find that!
I'm stuck in a rut and I hate it, but there's really no way out of it. I don't trust random people I meet and let's face it, I'm really not going to meet anyone through my friends at this rate. So basically?.. I just frustrated and annoyed.
I really did have it easy, I had a family who loved me, both my parents, loads of friends around - and now? It just feels like I've been left with next to nothing. My dad is in some ways a 'broken' man without my mother, my brother seems to be bottling things up.. and me? Well.. everyone tells me I'm strong and you know what, I WANT to fall apart and scream and kick and fight and blame someone for all this shit that's happening to me. I want to GIVE UP. I know I'm not without love.. my brain tells me and part of my heart knows.. but it's still really hard coz I just can't feel it anymore.
All I know is that I have this void, and something had better help me fill it.. I can't be this strong forever.
Thursday, October 30, 2003
numb
i'm done. this is it. no more. my heart just won't take it, it can't take it. that's three people in less than a fucking year. THREE loved ones. my grandfather last december, then my mother in october and not even a month past and my grandmother passes away too. is this some kind of sick joke.. it's almost funny.
i'm done. i'm over.
i'm fine.
i'm done. this is it. no more. my heart just won't take it, it can't take it. that's three people in less than a fucking year. THREE loved ones. my grandfather last december, then my mother in october and not even a month past and my grandmother passes away too. is this some kind of sick joke.. it's almost funny.
DON'T
ask me if i'm alright. i'm not, how could i be. devastated isn't even a word that means anything. it's not enough. anguish is not enough. grief is not enough. none of it is enough.i'm done. i'm over.
i'm fine.
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
lost
I didn't think it would actually happen that she would go. I thought the specialists at Stanford would find some miracle to save her life. And although they kept telling me the chances were slim, I kept thinking God would bring a miracle and bring her back to us. The day before she passed away my dad said the docs said she might not make it through the night. I hurried to the hospital and sat by her and with my family and friends and we left that night seeing her oxygen levels at low 90s. That's great I thought, she's fighting, she still has a chance! God can still give us that miracle!
Then the next morning my dad wakes me up and says O2 levels dropped to 40%.. she might go soon. I sat in the car stunned as my father had a burst of emotion and then calmed to continue driving to the hospital. Sixty percent is when brain damage occurs.. she had been at 40 for at least and hour and when we got there she was at 55 for a good two hours which later went up to 60 something. But it was too late.. I knew she wasn't going to make it, and even if she did.. she wouldn't be the same woman. She had made it clear to us repeatedly and to our family members that should she ever need to go on machines to let her go. She couldn't bear "living" like that.
Our family made the hardest decision of our lives.. the choices from the doctor 1) keep her on the machines for the next two days and let her die on the machines or 2) slowly take her off the meds (other than sedation to keep her comfortable) and let her pass peacefully. She wasn't coming back he said. We didn't let her suffer.. but up until the point of her last breath I kept hoping.. until I looked up and saw the machines registering no oxygen, no heart beat, and no brain function. The doctors had given her paralysis drugs so the machine cld help her breath better.. they let the drug wear off.. but she had regressed so much that she never started breathing on her own.. as soon as the machine slowed down she went on peacefully.
This is the hard part now.. the reality of what's gone from my life. My best friend and the only person in this world who knew me better than myself. It hurts to know she will never physically be with me in the next steps of my life, although I will forever hear her voice and feel her love. It hurts more to see the people who she touched, from those who've pratically known her all her life to those she had brief encounters with. It hurts the most to see my father lose his soul mate and for the first time look lost. But I thank the Lord for all the love he has surrounded us with, for the family and friends who share our burden and most of her for the time we had with my mother. It is her love that will keep us safe and heal our wounds in time and make us better and strong enough to continue our lives without her physical presence.
Mom, I know you can hear me and know that I love you more than anything in the world and that I will never stop loving you and that my world has forever changed from your presence and your absence. I will miss you always and love you always.
I didn't think it would actually happen that she would go. I thought the specialists at Stanford would find some miracle to save her life. And although they kept telling me the chances were slim, I kept thinking God would bring a miracle and bring her back to us. The day before she passed away my dad said the docs said she might not make it through the night. I hurried to the hospital and sat by her and with my family and friends and we left that night seeing her oxygen levels at low 90s. That's great I thought, she's fighting, she still has a chance! God can still give us that miracle!
Then the next morning my dad wakes me up and says O2 levels dropped to 40%.. she might go soon. I sat in the car stunned as my father had a burst of emotion and then calmed to continue driving to the hospital. Sixty percent is when brain damage occurs.. she had been at 40 for at least and hour and when we got there she was at 55 for a good two hours which later went up to 60 something. But it was too late.. I knew she wasn't going to make it, and even if she did.. she wouldn't be the same woman. She had made it clear to us repeatedly and to our family members that should she ever need to go on machines to let her go. She couldn't bear "living" like that.
Our family made the hardest decision of our lives.. the choices from the doctor 1) keep her on the machines for the next two days and let her die on the machines or 2) slowly take her off the meds (other than sedation to keep her comfortable) and let her pass peacefully. She wasn't coming back he said. We didn't let her suffer.. but up until the point of her last breath I kept hoping.. until I looked up and saw the machines registering no oxygen, no heart beat, and no brain function. The doctors had given her paralysis drugs so the machine cld help her breath better.. they let the drug wear off.. but she had regressed so much that she never started breathing on her own.. as soon as the machine slowed down she went on peacefully.
This is the hard part now.. the reality of what's gone from my life. My best friend and the only person in this world who knew me better than myself. It hurts to know she will never physically be with me in the next steps of my life, although I will forever hear her voice and feel her love. It hurts more to see the people who she touched, from those who've pratically known her all her life to those she had brief encounters with. It hurts the most to see my father lose his soul mate and for the first time look lost. But I thank the Lord for all the love he has surrounded us with, for the family and friends who share our burden and most of her for the time we had with my mother. It is her love that will keep us safe and heal our wounds in time and make us better and strong enough to continue our lives without her physical presence.
Mom, I know you can hear me and know that I love you more than anything in the world and that I will never stop loving you and that my world has forever changed from your presence and your absence. I will miss you always and love you always.
Thursday, October 02, 2003
i need your help
It's October and you can definitely feel it up here in Nor Cal. And my life in the last two weeks have been flipped upside down tremendously.. it went from having to give up a job to giving up my place in So Cal and moving back up here to my mom going to the hospital and then suddenly in the last three days - to her being in the hospital under heavy sedation and on machines helping her breath. I'm so scared we're going to lose her soon and the doctors aren't sure how long she's got left and she's not even conscious because she'll fight the tubes in her throat helping her breath if she's awake. They transfered her through helicopter to Stanford hospital yesterday and I pray the specialists there will be able to help her.
If any blog readers of mine know my mom, she's a really wonderful and caring person who's given so much to her family and more if that's possible. She is our reason for living and so selflessly gave everything to us and took less for herself. If you believe in a higher being send up prayers for her please, chants if your buddhist, and positive thoughts if nothing else.
Thanks.
ps. don't send flowers coz she can't be anywhere near them. cards are okay and if you wanna reach me, leave a message on the 'spill it' link.
It's October and you can definitely feel it up here in Nor Cal. And my life in the last two weeks have been flipped upside down tremendously.. it went from having to give up a job to giving up my place in So Cal and moving back up here to my mom going to the hospital and then suddenly in the last three days - to her being in the hospital under heavy sedation and on machines helping her breath. I'm so scared we're going to lose her soon and the doctors aren't sure how long she's got left and she's not even conscious because she'll fight the tubes in her throat helping her breath if she's awake. They transfered her through helicopter to Stanford hospital yesterday and I pray the specialists there will be able to help her.
If any blog readers of mine know my mom, she's a really wonderful and caring person who's given so much to her family and more if that's possible. She is our reason for living and so selflessly gave everything to us and took less for herself. If you believe in a higher being send up prayers for her please, chants if your buddhist, and positive thoughts if nothing else.
Thanks.
ps. don't send flowers coz she can't be anywhere near them. cards are okay and if you wanna reach me, leave a message on the 'spill it' link.
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
stupid, smart people
So i've been applying to AmeriCorps Vista jobs lately and been getting numerous interview offers quickly. But of course, if you know what AmeriCorps is you'd kno they don't pay much and that it's basically like the national/state version of PeaceCorps. Which is cool with me, coz that's ultimately what I want to do. But my dad says it's perfect for people like me.. the smart, dumb people who will do a lot of work for basically no money. But it's okay, coz it's helping me realise what my focus is turning towards:
Community outreach, public service, national service, helping the people, doing programs, outreach, development, etc.
It's nice to have a direction in my life and feel that familiar feeling of confidence course through my veins in knowing that I'm going towards a goal that will fulfill my psychological and emotional needs.. however money as usual is always an issue. But I think after doing this AmeriCorps job (if I get one of them) it will definately open up doors to new places.
And hopefully give me ideas about what I want a masters in.. hehe.
Can't wait, sooo excited.. hope I get the one I want. *sigh*
Hope my mommy starts to get better too. :( ... ouch..
I hate it when my heart hurts like this.
So i've been applying to AmeriCorps Vista jobs lately and been getting numerous interview offers quickly. But of course, if you know what AmeriCorps is you'd kno they don't pay much and that it's basically like the national/state version of PeaceCorps. Which is cool with me, coz that's ultimately what I want to do. But my dad says it's perfect for people like me.. the smart, dumb people who will do a lot of work for basically no money. But it's okay, coz it's helping me realise what my focus is turning towards:
Community outreach, public service, national service, helping the people, doing programs, outreach, development, etc.
It's nice to have a direction in my life and feel that familiar feeling of confidence course through my veins in knowing that I'm going towards a goal that will fulfill my psychological and emotional needs.. however money as usual is always an issue. But I think after doing this AmeriCorps job (if I get one of them) it will definately open up doors to new places.
And hopefully give me ideas about what I want a masters in.. hehe.
Can't wait, sooo excited.. hope I get the one I want. *sigh*
Hope my mommy starts to get better too. :( ... ouch..
I hate it when my heart hurts like this.
Saturday, September 13, 2003
sorrow halved
they say happiness shared is happiness doubled and that sorrow shared is sorrow halved.. well i need to be majorly halving my sorrow. because my mom is sick, and i'm scared.. the worst case scenario is that we lose her. how do you deal with preparing for the worst? my dad wants us to talk this out, i don't want to talk it out, at least not with him or my brother for some reason. this has definitely put things in perspective for me. it's funny how we can go along with our lives and when something this drastic happens this quickly.. you find out what really matters to you will over power even the things your heart once desired.
i want to scream and kick and fight and cry and lose myself into something like stress or work or anything where i don't have to face this ache and uncertainty. i want someone to pick a physical fight with me because i want to blame someone and hit them and beat them into a pulp until all this frustration is gone.. and yet if i do i'd still feel guilty because i know they are not the reason for my anger and frustration. i want to cry, but i have to be strong for her and my family. i know they're there for me.. but i just don't want to talk to them about it.
it was a sudden onset and my mother's lungs seem to not be functioning well and her body is basically attacking itself. and there's nothing i can do, but be there to support her.
i look at her and i love her more than anything and if she was gone.. my very heart would break forever and there is nothing that could heal that heart ache. i'm trying to stay positive and hope that she recovers quickly.. but recovery seems slow.. if not uncertain as well. she seemed to be doing so well and she was scheduled to come home today.. on her birthday but i walked into the hospital room this morning and i knew that was not going to happen today.
so we wait and be there for her and hope that the chemo will start working and that she'll recover and be herself again. it's just hard knowing that this strong woman now hardly has the strength to even walk around her room without losing her breath. yet admist all this.. i selfishly want my life back, i want to be back in southern california doing my thing.. but i can't be. i'm angry, not at her or my family, but at the situation and as life likes to prove itself over and over again.. it's not fair.
all i have is hope.. and hope is so little in the face of such great hardship and it's hard to keep my mind on that goal. but i will carry that in my heart and pray that she gets better soon. i have to be strong for her..
yet..
je suis fatigué d'être fort
.. if i could ask that if you're spiritual in any way to send out a message and a thought for her. thank you..
they say happiness shared is happiness doubled and that sorrow shared is sorrow halved.. well i need to be majorly halving my sorrow. because my mom is sick, and i'm scared.. the worst case scenario is that we lose her. how do you deal with preparing for the worst? my dad wants us to talk this out, i don't want to talk it out, at least not with him or my brother for some reason. this has definitely put things in perspective for me. it's funny how we can go along with our lives and when something this drastic happens this quickly.. you find out what really matters to you will over power even the things your heart once desired.
i want to scream and kick and fight and cry and lose myself into something like stress or work or anything where i don't have to face this ache and uncertainty. i want someone to pick a physical fight with me because i want to blame someone and hit them and beat them into a pulp until all this frustration is gone.. and yet if i do i'd still feel guilty because i know they are not the reason for my anger and frustration. i want to cry, but i have to be strong for her and my family. i know they're there for me.. but i just don't want to talk to them about it.
it was a sudden onset and my mother's lungs seem to not be functioning well and her body is basically attacking itself. and there's nothing i can do, but be there to support her.
i look at her and i love her more than anything and if she was gone.. my very heart would break forever and there is nothing that could heal that heart ache. i'm trying to stay positive and hope that she recovers quickly.. but recovery seems slow.. if not uncertain as well. she seemed to be doing so well and she was scheduled to come home today.. on her birthday but i walked into the hospital room this morning and i knew that was not going to happen today.
so we wait and be there for her and hope that the chemo will start working and that she'll recover and be herself again. it's just hard knowing that this strong woman now hardly has the strength to even walk around her room without losing her breath. yet admist all this.. i selfishly want my life back, i want to be back in southern california doing my thing.. but i can't be. i'm angry, not at her or my family, but at the situation and as life likes to prove itself over and over again.. it's not fair.
all i have is hope.. and hope is so little in the face of such great hardship and it's hard to keep my mind on that goal. but i will carry that in my heart and pray that she gets better soon. i have to be strong for her..
yet..
je suis fatigué d'être fort
.. if i could ask that if you're spiritual in any way to send out a message and a thought for her. thank you..
Sunday, August 10, 2003
soon to be...
over: the internship, thank goodness! It's been a great experience I've learned a lot and it's the first internship I've walked away from really thinking it's helped me look forward to the future and possibly a career path of some sort. Not to mention I've met some really great peopl in my fellow interns and the intern coord/ admin asst.
23: it's august, I'm turning 23 in 14 days!! Scary... I still look like I'm 16. *sigh* I wish people would treat me as if I were older, I'd think I'd start acting older.
fall: it's been soo hot lately, haven't gotten to see the OC beaches yet :(
home: yay get to see mommy, daddy, and jon. i miss them. i love them.
over: the internship, thank goodness! It's been a great experience I've learned a lot and it's the first internship I've walked away from really thinking it's helped me look forward to the future and possibly a career path of some sort. Not to mention I've met some really great peopl in my fellow interns and the intern coord/ admin asst.
23: it's august, I'm turning 23 in 14 days!! Scary... I still look like I'm 16. *sigh* I wish people would treat me as if I were older, I'd think I'd start acting older.
fall: it's been soo hot lately, haven't gotten to see the OC beaches yet :(
home: yay get to see mommy, daddy, and jon. i miss them. i love them.
Friday, July 25, 2003
ha ha
I was cleaning out e-mails and came across this link my friend sent me.
http://www.smh.com.au/ftimages/2003/03/26/1048354635257.html
Click the Ladder Theory
I was cleaning out e-mails and came across this link my friend sent me.
http://www.smh.com.au/ftimages/2003/03/26/1048354635257.html
Click the Ladder Theory
Friday, July 18, 2003
the right guys
So my friend was telling me this story about how she was eating lunch with some co-workers and one of them a white male told her he has never dated any non-Asian girls (Asian fetish perhaps?). Anyway, he's married now to a vietnamese wife and has kids and all that. And he says to my friend: man this language barrier thing's really getting annoying! i mean it was cute at first but we have so many miscommunications. Now what the heck is that?! I don't get it. I tell my friend this and she throws this back at me, well you like white guys who like asian girls. Okay.. so maybe at one time I was highly attracted to white men.. can you blame me? Look at what society teaches us, prince charming is never asian and that knight in shining armour - white. Sure there's the tall, dark and handsome.. but are they ever black or hispanic or asian? No.. they're white.
Anyways, I thought about my past experiences with men. I have only once in my life dated a white guy (okay this isn't saying much, coz I haven't exactly dated man men at all).. but basically I'm saying I've only dated one guy who's had an 'asian fetish'. Don't think he's got one anymore, but I'm not about to really check in on him with that one. Anyways, I then started thinking about the guys I'm attracted to nowadays. There have been the Asian ones, the Caucasian ones, the Hispanic ones and I've seen some beautiful African American or actually African Brits.. (haven't exactly been attracted to them, coz I've only seen these guys from afar, never really made friends with them). So you might be wondering how I get attracted to these guys? It's not just looks, although that plays a small part at first, but then the one thing that makes or breaks something like this - the personality. If it sucks.. forget it, they just getting fuglier and fuglier. But.. if they are really genuinely cool people then damn.. and when they're sincere and do things out of their way, or notice something you need and goes and does it for you.. damn imma about to give you my heart right now! haha.. but the one killer.. is when they do it for everybody and I just melt into a puddle, coz how many people (girls and guys) do you know are just really good people like that? I've met a lot of those people in my life and I think I got lucky.. too bad all those men that I did eventually 'fall' for just didn't feel the same. But at least I know I'm not picking them wrong, how I be? :) One of these days I'm going to find one that's like that and likes me back! As for right now, I'm glad to say I'm still really good friends w/ all those guys, even if some of them don't know that I've ever liked them.
So my friend was telling me this story about how she was eating lunch with some co-workers and one of them a white male told her he has never dated any non-Asian girls (Asian fetish perhaps?). Anyway, he's married now to a vietnamese wife and has kids and all that. And he says to my friend: man this language barrier thing's really getting annoying! i mean it was cute at first but we have so many miscommunications. Now what the heck is that?! I don't get it. I tell my friend this and she throws this back at me, well you like white guys who like asian girls. Okay.. so maybe at one time I was highly attracted to white men.. can you blame me? Look at what society teaches us, prince charming is never asian and that knight in shining armour - white. Sure there's the tall, dark and handsome.. but are they ever black or hispanic or asian? No.. they're white.
Anyways, I thought about my past experiences with men. I have only once in my life dated a white guy (okay this isn't saying much, coz I haven't exactly dated man men at all).. but basically I'm saying I've only dated one guy who's had an 'asian fetish'. Don't think he's got one anymore, but I'm not about to really check in on him with that one. Anyways, I then started thinking about the guys I'm attracted to nowadays. There have been the Asian ones, the Caucasian ones, the Hispanic ones and I've seen some beautiful African American or actually African Brits.. (haven't exactly been attracted to them, coz I've only seen these guys from afar, never really made friends with them). So you might be wondering how I get attracted to these guys? It's not just looks, although that plays a small part at first, but then the one thing that makes or breaks something like this - the personality. If it sucks.. forget it, they just getting fuglier and fuglier. But.. if they are really genuinely cool people then damn.. and when they're sincere and do things out of their way, or notice something you need and goes and does it for you.. damn imma about to give you my heart right now! haha.. but the one killer.. is when they do it for everybody and I just melt into a puddle, coz how many people (girls and guys) do you know are just really good people like that? I've met a lot of those people in my life and I think I got lucky.. too bad all those men that I did eventually 'fall' for just didn't feel the same. But at least I know I'm not picking them wrong, how I be? :) One of these days I'm going to find one that's like that and likes me back! As for right now, I'm glad to say I'm still really good friends w/ all those guys, even if some of them don't know that I've ever liked them.
Sunday, July 06, 2003
yay!.. boo!
So since I have such a busy life, I'm gonna start a new yay and boo section, so you can see brief flashes of my life in a quick cliff notes version. Clay always did say I 'yammered' on too long and my blogs get all emotional and long.. :D What can I say? That's me.. sometimes...
yay! - got my multiregion DVD player unlocked thanks to a bit of internet searching and I can not play 'the Office' DVD and share English humour with the world (Pete will definitely be happy)
had lunch w/ Kris today! CPK yuuuuummmy and it's good to see her after so long.
watched 9 hours of sex and the city yesterday.. not sure if that's a good thing.. but since I'm missing man, love and sex in my life.. hey what better place to find it
boo! - want my Ms. Dynamite CD.. not sure where it is.. very very upset and sad.. think it may be in my car, but if it is, then it's loose running around.. sniff..
my car is in the shop for a week.. transmission needs fixing.. very sad.. didn't realise how much i appreciated her until she's unavailable. hope she's better soon
July 4th - good times, lots and lots of food.. basically continuous eating and drinking from 1-9pm then i went 'clubbing' at a house club (first time for everything) not bad. interesting. good friends came over and we kicked it.. that was really nice :) gonna miss those who leave to go far and far far far away. *sigh* things are changing, but I don't think I'd have it any other way.. it's life and it goes on.
So since I have such a busy life, I'm gonna start a new yay and boo section, so you can see brief flashes of my life in a quick cliff notes version. Clay always did say I 'yammered' on too long and my blogs get all emotional and long.. :D What can I say? That's me.. sometimes...
yay! - got my multiregion DVD player unlocked thanks to a bit of internet searching and I can not play 'the Office' DVD and share English humour with the world (Pete will definitely be happy)
had lunch w/ Kris today! CPK yuuuuummmy and it's good to see her after so long.
watched 9 hours of sex and the city yesterday.. not sure if that's a good thing.. but since I'm missing man, love and sex in my life.. hey what better place to find it
boo! - want my Ms. Dynamite CD.. not sure where it is.. very very upset and sad.. think it may be in my car, but if it is, then it's loose running around.. sniff..
my car is in the shop for a week.. transmission needs fixing.. very sad.. didn't realise how much i appreciated her until she's unavailable. hope she's better soon
July 4th - good times, lots and lots of food.. basically continuous eating and drinking from 1-9pm then i went 'clubbing' at a house club (first time for everything) not bad. interesting. good friends came over and we kicked it.. that was really nice :) gonna miss those who leave to go far and far far far away. *sigh* things are changing, but I don't think I'd have it any other way.. it's life and it goes on.
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
The Office: part 1
So I finally have something to do in at work. They had me researching hate crimes and now I'm writing a report on it. Whoo hoo. Well not excited about the hate crimes part, because it's horrible and depressing to see crimes committed because of ignorance. The information I continually find is heart breaking. And sometimes I just can't understand why people are like this. Although deep down inside, I know that I have my own prejudices and as much as I'd like to be rid of them, they're there. At least I know they're there and I can try to adjust my thinking. But the reason stereotypes persist is because they are partial truths to what is happening in society. It isn't just randomness that minorities are often at the bottom of the ladder, that we are perceived in both good and bad stereotypes. Our society is a never ending cycle of oppression. And though we may know diverse types of people, we will still stick to what we know. There's the trick, 'we stick to what we know'. Therefore we need to change what we know and expand it. It's a scary place to go, but one that I'm going to try and actively be a part of. In England with my housemates I felt like I wasn't seen just as a race, granted there were numerous incidents within England where I was faced with prejudices. But with my housemates, I wasn't the Chinese girl, I was the American girl (not that it made it any better.. in fact...haha). Anyway, it got me thinking about why my eyes saw not race but race. All the situations I measured in a strangely racial context. Not say that I judged people by their race (although in my head and subconscious I may have), but the situations I encountered I'd ask myself so many questions based upon my own race and that of others. I was asked quite a few times why race was a big issue in the states while I was studying abroad. Upon returning to the US and starting my internship it became a bit clearer to me as to why race is such a big issue. My current internship is with the Center for Asian-Americans United for Self-Empowerment (CAUSE) and the (CASIC) internships purpose is to promote political involvement in the Asian American community. It is to teach us Asian Americans how the legislative office works and how we can be leaders. Being part of it has opened up my eyes to some of the issues that face API people in the US. The US is not like any other countries by a long shot. Our short history is filled with a lot of tension and pain. The only Americans who are native to this country are the Native Americans and they are now considered a minority. Race has always been an issue ever since the first colonies established themselves on this land. Race was there between colonists and Native Americans, it was there when the first White Europeans settled in the US and with other white Europeans that came after. (English, Irish, French, Italians, Polish.. the list goes on) Even when skin color was nearly the same there was an animosity. Then comes those who actually look drastically different, the blacks, the Asians, and the Hispanics and Latinos. For 200 years! This country has been "plauged" by the 'issue of race.' But it's far from solvable at this point. How do you teach love? There are anti-hate programs and diversity promoting organisations out there and that's great. I totally believe in all these steps and they are vital to changing the way people think. Yet.. after looking at www.tolerance.org and seeing at least 708 HATE organisations being monitored in the states, it makes me sad and a bit scared. But I know that I will forever fight this battle if only to hopefully make the future a little bit better for my children and the inheritors of the earth.
yeah yeah.. a bit of cheese at the end.. but if you know me, you know i mean what i say w/ passion.
So I finally have something to do in at work. They had me researching hate crimes and now I'm writing a report on it. Whoo hoo. Well not excited about the hate crimes part, because it's horrible and depressing to see crimes committed because of ignorance. The information I continually find is heart breaking. And sometimes I just can't understand why people are like this. Although deep down inside, I know that I have my own prejudices and as much as I'd like to be rid of them, they're there. At least I know they're there and I can try to adjust my thinking. But the reason stereotypes persist is because they are partial truths to what is happening in society. It isn't just randomness that minorities are often at the bottom of the ladder, that we are perceived in both good and bad stereotypes. Our society is a never ending cycle of oppression. And though we may know diverse types of people, we will still stick to what we know. There's the trick, 'we stick to what we know'. Therefore we need to change what we know and expand it. It's a scary place to go, but one that I'm going to try and actively be a part of. In England with my housemates I felt like I wasn't seen just as a race, granted there were numerous incidents within England where I was faced with prejudices. But with my housemates, I wasn't the Chinese girl, I was the American girl (not that it made it any better.. in fact...haha). Anyway, it got me thinking about why my eyes saw not race but race. All the situations I measured in a strangely racial context. Not say that I judged people by their race (although in my head and subconscious I may have), but the situations I encountered I'd ask myself so many questions based upon my own race and that of others. I was asked quite a few times why race was a big issue in the states while I was studying abroad. Upon returning to the US and starting my internship it became a bit clearer to me as to why race is such a big issue. My current internship is with the Center for Asian-Americans United for Self-Empowerment (CAUSE) and the (CASIC) internships purpose is to promote political involvement in the Asian American community. It is to teach us Asian Americans how the legislative office works and how we can be leaders. Being part of it has opened up my eyes to some of the issues that face API people in the US. The US is not like any other countries by a long shot. Our short history is filled with a lot of tension and pain. The only Americans who are native to this country are the Native Americans and they are now considered a minority. Race has always been an issue ever since the first colonies established themselves on this land. Race was there between colonists and Native Americans, it was there when the first White Europeans settled in the US and with other white Europeans that came after. (English, Irish, French, Italians, Polish.. the list goes on) Even when skin color was nearly the same there was an animosity. Then comes those who actually look drastically different, the blacks, the Asians, and the Hispanics and Latinos. For 200 years! This country has been "plauged" by the 'issue of race.' But it's far from solvable at this point. How do you teach love? There are anti-hate programs and diversity promoting organisations out there and that's great. I totally believe in all these steps and they are vital to changing the way people think. Yet.. after looking at www.tolerance.org and seeing at least 708 HATE organisations being monitored in the states, it makes me sad and a bit scared. But I know that I will forever fight this battle if only to hopefully make the future a little bit better for my children and the inheritors of the earth.
yeah yeah.. a bit of cheese at the end.. but if you know me, you know i mean what i say w/ passion.
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
stupid head
My loving brother thinks I'm a "stupid head" by putting my personal thoughts up online. But despite all that I'm still gonna keep doing it. It's not like I put up anything I wouldn't tell people normally and those who know me, know that I go through a mood w/ optimism still. Things always do get better. :) Which they are right now, I've got my internship and it's slowly helping me form ideas about what I want to do. But things are still weird...
My loving brother thinks I'm a "stupid head" by putting my personal thoughts up online. But despite all that I'm still gonna keep doing it. It's not like I put up anything I wouldn't tell people normally and those who know me, know that I go through a mood w/ optimism still. Things always do get better. :) Which they are right now, I've got my internship and it's slowly helping me form ideas about what I want to do. But things are still weird...
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
Monday, June 02, 2003
relief!
Seems that I've been more prone to stress and breaking down (meaning crying and a whole lot of frustration and anxiety overwhelming me psychologically and physically) lately and I couldn't really figure out why. Which is usually because I'll block what I can out so I don't have to feel bad feelings and therefore get on with my work. However there is a limit to everything and with the pressure of exams, trying to pass and graduate, dealing with leaving here and people here, things changing at home, finding a place to live, getting information and money moved around in the states while I'm in England, finding a job, did I mention revising for exams.. oh and exams.. and my future. So it has been realtively crazy up in my head over the last few weeks. But two days ago I got some of the best news I've ever heard! We got a house! A real house, not just a flat, a house in Huntington. I'm not sure what it looks like, but from the specs and my friends judgements it seems alright. Although my room apparently is really really tiny.. oh well I can deal with that, means less rent. And I don't have to worry about if I can get down there this summer or not. If I can, I will, if not then there will be someone living there already. So Phew.. it's nice to have a home to go back too. And now I just have to get past this last exam and I'll be okay. Then all that stands in the way really is my future.. hahaha.. finding a job or internship or just figuring out what I want to do with my life and then saying good bye.
I hate good byes
I'm lousy at them
I will hold back if i can and deny feelings so I don't have to feel anything
But I may cry
The words will escape me as to what to say
I'll cry
Hug them and walk away
and when I do I'll start bottling it all up again
Until I'm alone
Then I'll cry again
Good byes suck..
It's not even a see you later, I'll try to make a trip out once every few months..
It's more like a e-mail me coz I don't know when I'm going to see you again
Although if I have my way, it'll be next spring. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)