i find it strange, that no matter how much i have changed over the years.. i'm still really the same person.. deep down inside i haven't changed that much. i still see me in everything i do and feel...

it's really nice to know that someone out there is listening, :) especially when it's a friend (thanks Ameer!).

funny, just to read comments can brighten my day. i guess it really is the little things... just to know someone is listening.

in one of my really sad periods.. a friend once told me that time would heal everything and that slowly i would start to forget the saddness and hurt until one day i'll be doing something and i'll remember that sad period and think "huh.. haven't thought of that in awhile" and it will just leave me with a memory of an ache.. and that's it.. he was right.

argh! so my DSL keeps having issues with itself or something, I don't know what. But it'll continually log me off repeatedly!! darn stupid thing... *sigh* at least I'm thankful I have it :) as much as I do complaing about it.

i signed up with YACCS so you guys can now comment.. let's hope this works.

it's scary how vulnerable we can become as people.. just by caring about another person.

OMG.. ANY PREDOMINATELY HETEROSEXUAL FEMALE WHO HAS EVER HAD HER HEART BROKEN MUST WATCH.. "SOMEONE LIKE YOU".

my roommate has been trying to get me to watch this movie.. which she first thought was titled "hanging on".. but it turned out it was "someone like you".. and it is totally one of those movies where if you have ever had your heart broken you totally can relate. well most of us heart broken, over analytical females can..

anyway so i started thinking.. remember actually.. a time when i trusted someone with everything i had, because i wanted to. trust is such a small word that carries with is a meaning we cannot even begin to understand the effects that it has upon us and how deeply it weaves into our lives. to break that bond is one of the most hurtful and painful things that can happen to a person. a broken trust isn't so easily healed and it affects every interpersonal relationship that comes after it. i didn't begin to understand this word until i experienced it myself.. and it cut so deep it's still has a strong grip on how i see things now.

when it first happened i remember being so fiercely angry and so desperately sad all at the same time. i wanted to understand why this had happened to me, was it because all men are bastards, assholes, and jerks? ...no... well yes.. at first that's what i kept thinking, no man could do right ever, not ever again, they would just screw up some how and i think that's when i started to get even picker about guys then i already was, or maybe i've always been picky (there's theory developing for that one too).. but i realized it wasn't about guys (thanks to my male roommates who made me realize some things).. it was about me. I'm the one in control of how I think and how I feel.. no doubt I still will have trouble trusting men, but at least i'm walking in an upward direction now and not down. So "no" not all guys are like that, granted sometimes even good guys screw up (i've learned that the hard way). Honestly.. i think most of them want the same thing we all want in the end.. (or beginning, depending on how you look at it). We just want someone to love us for who we are inside and think that we are the most beautiful thing (even if we look like shit). It's that loving a person on the inside that makes them beautiful to you no matter what. When you look at someone and think "God.. I love that person because" of something they do, who they are, what they look like in YOUR eyes, it feels so amazing and to know that you're being looked at like that too.. I'd like to believe that someone out there looked at me like that once and maybe i'll find it again someday.. i say maybe because it's still too hard to say when. but i guess that's why no one can ever really explain love ... because it is that amazing and wonderful.




i would end it there.. seems like a good place to end it, but nothing ever truly ends.. and if you noticed my thoughts tend to run all over the place. and here i'm trying to write as i think, so too bad for you (sorry if it does get hard to read.. but hey you asked for me and you got me). so anyway, back to this love thing.. over the past few years i've learned a lot about love and i have no doubt there's more learning involved in my lifetime. loving your friends can be just as amazing, it's like a small part of loving a significant other... and it helps.. when you have friends who do love you for who you are and you can see it when they look at you and show you.. i guess they help keep my faith in love alive.. because if i can love them, i can love again and be loved in return. life's not always about dark cynical experiences, it's about how you get out of them and make them something new and alive and beautiful..

Happy Valentine's Day!

.. so since i have never had a valentine, for valentine's day i figured i'd take this day to celebrate loving people in general.. afterall love is love. so a big THANK YOU (which i know will never be enough) to those people out there who have touched my life, and loved me so unselfishly and with everything they had just because i was me.. i know i have been truly blessed because there have been a lot of those people in my life.. i love you!

sometimes it's hard to accept something for what it is, and not what you want it to be.

can you really like someone if you don't really know them that well?

anyway so i think i'm getting sick again.. which sucks major fat bananas. my throat was sore and still is sort of and i either dreamed or was awake but feeling like i had body aches and a headache and really warm all over and uncomfortable. i think it was a dream though too because an old boss was in the dream and a car and this weird futuristic town that sort of looked like london.. anyway i've been drinking lots of tea and lemon/honey water and i made chicken soup today from scratch.. mmmmm sooo good. i even worked out still, but i think that left me feeling more tired. i feel like my mind is elsewhere and i'm still waiting for it to come back. i honestly don't know where it went, but it's definately not here.. so i actually don't know who's typing to you right now. and by now you are probably thinking what does this whole paragraph have to do with what i wrote way up there.. well nothing. and i'm going to leave it at that.. hahahahaha... sorry.

i remember the memories.. but the feelings have started to fade away and it's harder to remember what it felt like.

i was looking around.. cruising the internet and just following links from page to page. these were all personal homepages and as i looked at the titles and phrases on each page they started to run with a theme almost. every page had words upon it that talked about how life was so bittersweet. even my own title was created because of a sadness i once felt. funny, how happiness is hardly written about, we just enjoy it. but sadness, depression, rejection, bitterness, anger.. are written down, shared in ambiguous and yet soulful words sung from a keyboard in a room that is at that moment the most lonely place on earth. is this how it is with every generation, sad words sung in poetry and music woven into a place for all the world to see.. and perhaps someone to notice and understand? i suppose misery really does love company, it's easier to share your sadness with another person.. but i think we do it, because "sadness shared is sadness halved and happiness shared is happiness doubled"..i forgot who said that.. but it does hold some truth to it. it's easier to bear a burden with others there.. and so to all my soul bearing peers out there, you're not alone, we have each other.

can you be in love with someone if they're not in love with you?

There are times when I just want to say 'fuck it' go for it, but then fear factor holds you back..couldn't you just give me a sign?

bananas.. they're great.

but anyway what i have been thinking about lately are guys.. haha.. okay so i think about guys a lot. what else do you expect from a single 21 year old female? anyway. straight guys this is for you.. you want to know what turns a girl on? what makes them swoon for you? what makes you just that much hotter to us? BEING NICE (sincerely nice). that's it. that's all you have to do. be nice.. in a sincere way. My roommate and I were talking the other day about how hot a guy looks to us, when they do something nice. (Like help you up when you fall on your ass while snowboarding). You're not taking away our need to be independent or being to gentlemanly.. it's just about being nice to another person.. and damn if that isn't freaking hot! When a guy is truly sincere and not some jerk who plays girls, that's freaking hot.

I know guys are just as scared of girls as we are of guys. The fear of rejection, of opening yourself up to someone.. becoming vulnerable to them. There are days when I just want to say, "damn i think you're really attractive, want to go out with me?" Of course, that will never happen. My pride and the fear of tremendous embarrassment is going to stop me way before those thoughts even leave as a whisper on my lips... which I suppose doesn't help if the guy is just as shy. Oh well.. maybe one day, I'll grow some extra guts and just go for it. Until then.. I'll do some far away admiring and stick to being friends.

But for now I still have faith in love, all these years and having gone through heartaches and heard stories of other heartaches, I still believe in the stupid thing... love. Thanks to friends mostly. It's funny, because if you think about it, when you love someone they are that much more beautiful to you. I don't mean just loving a significant other.. I mean loving anyone. Think about it and try it.. when you're looking at a friend you love and care about deeply.. maybe you might find beauty you didn't realize was there before. And just remember that when someone who loves you looks at you, they're seeing someone beautiful as well.

Guess that's enough babbling for now.. night.

my goodness it's february already! i can't believe it. so yeah.. you know what that means.. valentine's day is coming up. ugh. i've never had a date on valentine's day.. in fact i don't htink i've ever really had a date. not one that was "official". i suppose this valentine's day is going to be no different. but hey.. at least there's one thing to celebrate.. my roommate's birthday! yup he was born valentine's day. so that makes the day not so bad anymore. but yeah, if any hot guys out there want something to do on valentine's day, i'm free to kick it :)

so i was thinking about what to write since i haven't written in awhile.. and it was funny, because numerous thoughts came to my head. but the idea of writing some of these on this online journal scared me. because some stuff is really personal and to put it on such a public and at the same time strangely private space was intimidating. what will i allow myself to share with the world and my friends and what do i want to keep a secret only for those i trust? i guess a lot of thoughts that seem interesting enough to write about also require me to trust the reader and with internet.. who knows who's reading. guess if you want to really know what's on my mind you'll have to ask.. and if i trust you enough, you'll know. :)

so i've been working out a lot lately, my goal is to at least make this last six weeks. :) and i have to admit, working out feels GREAT! it helps me relieve most of my stress and frustration and excess energy since i'm not doing anything else lately. so yeah off to the ARC i go.

Whoo hoo I went snowboarding yesterday! It was greeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaattttttttttttt. Although I'm still learning how to carve.. there's that fear of falling down that still stops me and the speed. But I realized I'm a person who needs to take their time at things like this. I need to get comfortable with it then I'll be okay. But I still have the rest of this season to practice :D so there's still time yet to get it down. But yeah, two of my HS friends from Santa Barbara came down and we all went. It was cool. Funny to see how we've changed throughout the years and how our thinking has changed.

Bathwater-no doubt

You and your museum of lovers
The precious collection you've housed in your covers
My simpleness threatened by my own admission

And the bags are much too heavy
In my insecure condition
My pregnant mind is fat full with envy again

But I still love to wash in your old bathwater
Love to think that you couldn't love another
I can't help it...you're my kind of man

Wanted and adored by attractive women
Bountiful selection at your discretion
I know I'm diving into my own destruction

So why do we choose the boys that are naughty?
I don't fit in so why do you want me?
I know I can't tame you...but I just keep trying

'Cause I love to wash in your old bathwater
Love to think that you couldn't love another
I'm on your list with all your other women
But I still love to wash in your old bathwater
You make me feel like I couldn't love another
I can't help it...you're my kind of man

Why do the good girls always want the bad boys?

So I pacify problems with kisses and cuddles
Diligenly doubtful through all kinds of trouble
Then I find myself choking on all my contradictions

'Cause I still love to wash in your old bathwater
Love to think that you couldn't love another
Share a toothbrush...you're my kind of man
I still love to wash in your old bath water
Make me feel like I couldn't love another
I can't help it...you're my kind of man

No I can't help myself
I can't help myself
I still love to wash in your old bathwater

Okay so it's a new year and new things have started.. like school.. and preparing to do commencement ceremonies. I'm not actually graduating, just walking, since I'll be in England next year. Whoo hoo! Still trying to find a job.. blech and just move on with life. Not that it's going anywhere. I don't really know where it is going actually, I just keep moving with it. Been thinking about my future a lot, I'll be leaving school for real soon.. what the hell am I going to do? where am I going to go? I really want to stay in Southern California, over the last three and a half years, it has become home to me. I'll always love Northern California, but So Cal has become sort of a sanctuary to me, it's now part of me too. A big part, since I did a lot of "growing" here. A hell of a lot. So we'll see what happens.